Where's your focus?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Where's your focus?
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Tue, 05-13-2003 - 10:12am
Could it be it needs to change? Do you commonly think about saying or doing just the right thing to make this man yours? OR are you here to really end your affair? I read some of the posts here and I remember how I was. It seems that many new people come here looking to get out of the pain but hoping they will find a way to do it without ending their affair, but actually getting the MM/OM. All I can say is what a prize! :)

Could it be that you need to put the focus back on you? Could it be that you need to stop accepting the crumbs of a MM's life and being together when it is convenient for him? When was the last time you sat down and really thought about what you do deserve in a good, healthy relationship? Can you honestly say you are getting that now?

All the passion, all the emotions we let ourselves get tied up in end up ruling our better judgement. And until WE decide WE want a change that is going to be BEST for US, we will stay stuck in this crisis of a relationship we call love.

What is love? Do you really know? Does it involve respect? Is there really respect in a relationship where someone is cheating on someone they claim to love? Until we see the real picture and grasp the truth in these affairs, our chances of healing from them are slim. So why is it that we prefer to be in denail about the truth, rather than facing it? Is the high we get from being with these men really worth the pain? And since when is love supposed to hurt like this?

When you can take the focus off of what this MM/OM is thinking or feeling and put it back on yourself and what you want and deserve, then you will begin to take the action necessary to end your A and heal from it. What is it going to be? Heal and move on to a healthy productive relationship or stay stuck on the fence with some man who gives every excuse in the book for staying in a marriage he says he isn't happy with? If it was that bad, he would leave. Kids or no kids. It really doesn't take much of a man to run from his problems at home by involving himself with another woman, now does it? A real man would face all his problems within himself and at home in his marriage and make a good decision for himself without any third party's help, of course other than a professional counselor.

JMHO and feeling the need to vent. Time to grow up people? I know I am because I am not spending one more day pining over some man who thinks so little of me and his W as to do this to us.

God speed and hugs all around.

GT

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 11:26am
Great post GT! Now that I can finally see through all the crap I allowed myself to put up with, I would NEVER EVER AGAIN let him or any other unavailable man be in my life unless he is willing & able to give 100%..because we all deserve that. I know that I have so much to give & I'm not going to waste it any longer on that jerk.

Hugs,

Cin

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 12:09pm
Thanks for that post and the kick in the butt GT. Whatever will we all do without you? LOL
Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 2:11pm
Good for you Cin!!! I am so glad to hear you say that! And I am with you every step of the way!

When it comes to love, there has to be respect or it just isn't love!

Keep on keepin on my friend!

GT

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 2:32pm
NL - you know, it is tough being single and going through the ending of an affair. Often I read the posts here and because I see those who are in just enough pain to be here but still so in love with their MM/OM, that it stirs me up. I hate to see people in such denial and those who are so blinded by the love they feel that seeing and accepting reality is so far off. It's tough, that's all I can say.

Sometimes it is difficult to be able to truly express my anger and frustration over my own situation because I know that by doing so, I can potentially hurt some here who are married. I can only hope that all who are married and on this board know that is not my intention but that I do have to deal with my own feelings too.

Walking away from my own situation was so difficult because it was with the only man who could ever have my whole heart - all the others including my DH never had that. So it was tough to let it go. I can honestly say that I have never known such joy or sorrow. When I see the newer ladies post and know their road ahead, I struggle to find anything that will make them see what they are up against. It is a lonely, dark, very depressing path to take. I just want them all to know that life does go on, even under the worst of circumstances.

I'm sorry if you felt I posted this as a kick in the butt - just know that I post what is in my heart and so that I can be reminded of my own situation and how I have to deal with it. It does help keep resolve!

Hugs,

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:05pm
A kick in the butt is a good thing in the right context GT. Don't say sorry, I like your no-nonsense style here. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 5:56pm
OK GT, you are a smart woman. I do agree on everything what ever you said in all your posts. I think it all comes down to weakness. And I am that. Weak. Can't stand the pain. So if a crumb comes my way .. here I go and the pain lessens. You are right. So what can we do about weakness????? What can we do when the pain doesn't go away??? Tell me that please!!!!!!! It has been so long for me... and I am still hurting. I wish you had some answers for me. Hugs.Blue.
Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 6:25pm
Blue - have you seen a therapist? To just come right out and say you are weak or that it is just too much pain is not an excuse for bad behavior. And when you are actively in an affair, it is bad behavior. I believe by getting into therapy you will find the root of your pain which keeps you in a weak state. But you need to be with a professional who can help you sort through it all. The times you have walked away from your OM, you don't begin to focus on your marriage and to rebuild it. I have a strong impression that you don't want to rebuild your marriage, that it really isn't possible so that helps you to justify going right back into the affair. You can't get out of pain until you MAKE UP YOUR MIND THAT WHATEVER IT TAKES, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LIVE WITH IT ANYMORE. The way you do that is to get with someone who can help you to sort out the truth in your life that is causing your pain and deal with it once and for all. Dr. Phil calls it GETTING REAL. I honestly believe with your situation Blue that you cannot do this on your own. Please seek some help for yourself.

Hugs,

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 9:25pm
BLUESKY! Excuse me for butting in here. May I ask you a question? You know I will anyway! Who in this world taught you to view yourself as weak? Shame on them and the horse they rode in on! You are not weak! You are making a choice! It's as simple as that. So what are you going to do? Keep playing old tape recordings in your head that tell you how weak you are? Or turn off the tape player and scream to the world " I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR"? Oh, and by the way, I want an honest answer to each question please. And will you make it as long as you want without worrying it's too long or that you'll be thought of as that "W" word? Just for me??? PPPPPPPPLEASE???
Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 9:38am
SB, you are welcome to butt in anytime you want to. However, I have to say that in this case and knowing what I do about Blue's situation, it is imperative that she get into counseling. She has made an effort to be the strong one only to end up right smack dab into her affair because of her low self esteem. This issue isn't as simple as just telling herself, I am woman hear me roar. She isn't even close. There have been a number of very dominating people in her life which have put her into this weakened state and wanting to reach out to the OM.

Please Blue, make some calls and find someone to talk to. You know down deep that the solution you have chosen has already brought more pain to your life by trying over and over again to end this affair. You are going to have to deal with your marriage regardless of whether or not you think you can. By seeing a professional, they will share with you how to effectively deal with it and move ahead in life with a new perspective. Eventually, it will be as SB posted. But you are a long way off. I beg of you to do this for yourself and your children.

Hugs,

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 10:26am
GT - I am smiling reading this post becuase its many posts like this one that led me to get off my ____ and get my life in gear. I can honestly say that coming here for the last (year?) not sure how long its been has taught me many a things. Things I NEVER even learned in one therapy session. NO CONTACT (not a term used in any of my sessions anyway), learning the views of what the other person REALLY felt (led me to not be selfish with the XOM anymore) taking a REAL look at my marriage and my kids and is it what was for ME??? (NO! and divorce has been filed and STBXH has his own place FINALLY). What I learned is that FEAR is what held me up and now I have no idea WHAT I was afraid of. I finally feel like I am out of that cloud and see the light. No thanks to you and so many others here for kicking my butt a time or two!! (wink)

Hugs hun!

Racy

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