Whether married or single...

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Whether married or single...
4
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:03am
In my opinion the most dangerous part of having an affair is the lieing. When a person is married and having an affair, they are not only lieing to their DH and perhaps their children, but a lot of times to the OM/OW as well, and most importantly to THEMSELVES!

This was such a revelation to me. I truly believe the root of evil that exists in these affairs is all the lies. A single person such as myself who fell head over heels in love with my first love again even gets caught up in the lies. We fall into the fantasy of being in love again and begin to LIE to ourselves. I really believe it is all the lies that brings on the confusion, the heartache and pain. When you are married, you tell lie after lie to whomever so you can be with your lover.

Getting it right simply means saying NO to the continued lieing to everyone including and most importantly ourselves. Do all of you have thoughts on this subject? Do you wonder why God is brought up so much on this board? Ponder that.

Hugs to all and hope you are enjoying your Thursday.

GT

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:13am
In my situation, there wasn't lying in the classic sense because MM told his wife about me right away. She knew what was going on from the beginning pretty much. And she and I even corresponded a few times so I knew that she really did know.

So even if you still have things out in the open it can be a bad situation. I can't imagine what it would be like with lying and sneaking around. It was bad enough for me without the lies.

But basically you're right. Anytime something has to be kept hidden, chances are it's not a good situation. If you can't tell your best friends and co-workers about it, it's probably not something you should be doing, with some possible exceptions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:19am
I agree - the lies are definitely awful. And we do lie to everyone in our lives including ourselves...

When I ended my EMA the first time (it took three tries to end the physical part, and obviously emotionally I am not all the way out) - I found myself STILL covering up things, cleaning up debris in my life so that I could try to get back to "normal", whatever that is... And I remember so clearly driving in my car, crying so hard I should NOT have been driving... because I felt is was just unfair (and who said anything would be fair anyway?) - I had ended things, taken the high road, done the "right thing" but I was STILL having to lie and deceive and I feared it would never end... and I don't know that it ever does really end... as long as I don't feel I can share with my H what happened, there will always be this lie between us. I have so much more pondering to do...

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:36am
GT:

I agree about the lieing. I am married to a habitual liar. He lies about everything from the big to the small and everywhere in between. He lies to family, friends, co workers. He has seen a therapist for this who tried to use the "just don't do it anymore" speech on him but it must stem from something deeper inside him. So I know what it feels like to be lied to...and here I turn around and had an affair and began the lieing game. I told H about my attraction to OM before A started, I told him about the A after it happened but I would still lie about where I was going (to the gym, out with friends, etc.) I even wound up lieing to my OM (yes i'm filing for divorce, no we don't do "family things" together, etc.) I think in the end the lieing is what actually ended my EMA....he lied to me I lied to him it just never ends....

So lieing is the most complicated part of the EMA IMHO. Thanks for listening, sorry for the ranting.....

Karry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:58pm
yea GT, i think lieing is the core of the whole affair. i am single and xMM used to tell me that he had no reason to lie to me, only W. would you believe i bought that??? yes it did cross my mind that if he could lie to W, then he could lie to me. but you know i firmly believe that HE will not change. why ? because he never thought he was wrong about anything, he was the type that would NEVER apologize even if he was standing on your foot, toes or heart. HE may change in the fact of saving his marriage and do all what is needed to be accounted for wherever he goes, be more thoughtful, be more communicative with W and grown kids, but he is going to try really really hard to APPEAR humble looking, sweet and the best husband you ever met. will he stop lieing to himself? especially as to (excuse the english and spelling) as to why he had affair(s). NO, i doubt that he ever will. and i know it should not be my concern or even waste my brain cells on him. as far as me lieing to him.... i wished i had. i wish i had lied and said i was busy when he wanted to come over, i wish i had lied and said no you can't move in with me for eight months while your wife is out of the country (to save money for their house when she got back). most importantly i wished i had lied and said no, i don't love you, i just want to see if i can break your heart or marriage. i think when we lie to ourselves we really are focusing only on him and the affair...matter of fact i tried so hard to feel that "we" were in a special relationship and that i was different from all the other affairs he had over the course of years. i was dead-set on being the DIFFERENT MISTRESS and so i lied to myself as to what was the the big picture. you know, the big family picture where they are sitting posed looking like the ozzie and harriet family portrait; i lied to myself when he took the family to the beach; baseball games; out to eat; they rented movies together; went shopping together. i having been married before and twice at that i am too familiar with the family "do it together" things. i think lieing to yourself is the biggest cheating game we do to ourselves and in the end we are left sitting on the front porch with our hearts in a hand-basket. sorry if i am getting carried away and venting.

and GOD should be brought up as much as possible on this board. i apologize to any one who does not feel this way for whatever reason you have. as i have mentioned before in other posts, i don't know about you guys...but God is all i have now and i am determined not to put Him second ever again. that's why i am on this post today...i had the audacity to give GOD excuses (lies)so as to make time for a MM!!!!.........my thoughts....rain