Whew...came close to messing up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Whew...came close to messing up!
4
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 4:11pm

Hi all,

I came very close yesterday to messing up and contacting xAP. I came here and honestly read for probably hours and I think that really helped me.

I don't know what triggers these really hard days. I think it may have been something my husband said to me which probably really isn't that big of a deal, but I think I blow it out of proportion.

My husband said basically that he wishes that I liked camping more and was more fun during camping like another woman that went with us. Ok, I honestly don't like tent camping and could do without camping again for the rest of my life. However, my boys and husband love it so I go a couple times a year. I was so proud of myself for not complaining once the entire time. Not one complaint about the stinky/nasty outhouses or the freezing temperatures in the tent, or constant smell of smoke that you can't get away from, or the dirty showers with spiders in them. Nope, I didn't complain one time. I did make the best of it. I had fun with my family and friends and tried very, very hard to overlook the other things.

I think maybe I was looking for a little congratulations and instead he said he wishes I was more like this other girl who went swimming in the river with her clothes on. That will never/ever happen sorry. I said I had a nice time this weekend with the family and didn't complain and he said I needed to be more fun.

So anyway that could have been the trigger who knows.

Here is what helped me yesterday:

1. Thinking about how my family and his family would be affected by another D Day.
2. Thinking about how words are only words. I have read so many messages on here from people who received the same promises only to have them broken. Anyone can promise the world to someone.
3. Thinking about how dishonest it would be for me to talk with him. That I can't ever do anything like what I did before because I am a good honest person.

That is all I can come up with right at this moment, but I know there were a ton more reasons why I need to follow through with NC.

I need to understand these triggers because yesterday was just terrible. I'm curious what others people's triggers are and how they get over them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2009
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 4:25pm

Good for you for sticking with NC.

 

              &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 5:26pm

Hi Luv,

Nice job identifying what seems to me to be a big trigger! I am single now, but when I was married, I would have similar experiences with my H. He could be pretty hard on me at times, and if he was being critical (especially when I couldn't understand what there was to criticize), I'd feel like I wanted to curl up in a ball and close my eyes till he went away. If I'd been in your situation, I would have had a hard time hearing that from my H as well. Honey, I'm with you--camping is NOT my thing. And If I gave up a weekend for my family to spend it freezing in a tent or showering with the spiders, I'd want a little encouragement in the end, not a lecture about how I could be "better."

I'm sure your H's criticism hurt your feelings, and you immediately reacted by remembering the "feel goods" from your xAP. For many people, an AP is an escape from a difficult reality.

I think it would be good for you to express how you feel to your H so that he understands how much you tried to be a happy camper, literally, and how that was a sacrifice for you. It might open up some healthy discussion.

But kudos to you for recognizing what triggered your wanting to contact xAP--that's half the battle sometimes, you know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 10:04pm

Thank you guys so much for your support and for the responses.

Juliette - your response really was right on. Everything from curling up into a ball to escaping reality to remembering all the feel goods from xAP. I would just bask in all the feel goods because I felt like he never criticized me or hurt me. Regardless of how well I felt xAP treated me it still wasn't right or ok. Regardless of his family situation or mine it still wasn't right or ok. That is what I have to constantly remind myself. We are not available to be together.

I did tell my husband how his comment made me feel. His response was that he was sorry for wanting me to be like someone else and he shouldn't have said that. Then he thought everything was all better. I was still hurt, but didn't say anything. He could tell though. When he asked if I was still bothered by it I tried to explain that I just wanted him to tell me that he was happy the weekend went so well and he could tell I was trying to be a trouper for the family. I wanted him to say that I am a beautiful person, kind, and sweet (I was thinking to myself as my xAP did all the time). He just said that he apologized and what more do I want. He said I already told you I shouldn't have said that.

My husband can be a wonderful person he really can, but he sure can break my heart too. I'm starting to learn a little bit better what I can do to control my actions so that this doesn't happen as much and to more constructively let him know when I've been hurt. I think it is getting a little better. I also am a very sensitive person so I'm trying to work on that too.

Thanks again for the thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 9:24am

Good Morning Luv~


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