Which is the best way to do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Which is the best way to do this?
10
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:15pm
x


Edited 2/8/2005 9:23 am ET ET by littlesoul2
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:29pm
littlesoul,
I know you are probably tired of hearing from me but just wanted to let you in on my situation. I tried NC for 2 months of basically ignoring XOM. I thought that if I just stayed away from him and off the internet he would get the hint. That does not work with men. (or any human for that matter) I eventually ended up talking to him and ended it in person. (although I must confess he has since contacted me, I guess me saying it's over didn't completely sink in the first time)
It is going to be probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in your life. You are gonna cry, feel like sh*t and wonder if you are doing the right thing. You ARE. And you will not get past this b.s until you officially end it.
I really, truly believed that I could have hid from him forever but then that still gives him the chance to think it is still REALLY happening! What would you be thinking if he just dissapeared? I know you two have deep deep ties so I know you would feel worse by not telling him in person. Some people may not agree with me, but this is what you have to do if you are ready to move on and regain some happiness in your life.
You can do this!
Please stay strong and let me know how you are doing!
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:34pm

Hi again - JMHO but why don't you try to continue NC. If and when he contacts you, then tell him you are ending it. I know it is so hard, (despite my decision, I stil am thinking of appropriate ways to contact OM, but I know it is WRONG!) but calling him now to tell him may open everything back up. He may want to see you "one last time" and then you are back to square one. Hang tough - you can do it!!!!!

Sending strength vibes!

Namaste

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:39pm

LITTLESOUL2,

If this is what you really want YES it does work. That is exactly what happened with my Affair. After 5+ years of us going back and forth with out feelings we both just were at the end our wits with the relationship that we both knew could not be at the moment. We both just e-mailed each other as we had for many years then one day it just didn't happen. That was the end of our relationship! Period No questions or anything. It was 8 months ago. I know that is was the right thing to do for both of us. Good luck it was hard but as each day goes by I'm just glad I got to have the experience in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:44pm

I believe in actually saying the words. Until you do, it leaves too much open. Once you say it, it's more official then if you just disappeared. Besides, if you care anything about this person, that's a rough thing to do to him. Unless he's hurt you in some way, he deserves at least that.

My first A ended that way. It was nearing the end, but we were still be friendly, until one day he just put me on block never to be heard from again. Took me forever to get over that, because I had so many unanswered questions. I just think it's cruel to do to someone you care about.

But thats me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:46pm

I think if there has been recent contact. A final contact is merited. I would want to be treated like a person...not just something that was disposible.

I know when I've been 'dumped'...the ones who ignored me kinda hurt. I know sometimes we have to lie and not say hurtful things like "you are just too ugly for me" LOL or "you have B.O. dude" etc. or "get a damn job and we'd talk" lol...but seriously...when someone broke up with me.....it sucks..but it didn't suck as bad as being ignored as if i didn't exist. I like knowing at least I was considered. If its a bad reason for a breakup (one that is extremely negative...I am not sure about final contact). Tis very subjective I think!
I think much of it depends on the situation at hand however, how recent the last contact was and how up in the air mutual feelings were etc.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do,
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:58pm
The.


Edited 2/8/2005 6:56 pm ET ET by littlesoul2
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 5:06pm

well Little...I think you will know whats right to do ...you know what the situation felt like that you were in. How it feels to you is the most important thing. Afterall, you are not a monster...You are a compassionate woman. If its not needed to contact him...you'll know.

Go with YOUR gut. Every situation is slightly different. Not what makes you happy but what makes you feel "right" about it, is how I want to put it. If not contacting you makes you feel more comfortable because of the circumstances...than not contacting is what you should do!
::hugs::
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 5:08pm
.


Edited 2/8/2005 6:57 pm ET ET by littlesoul2
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 5:15pm
m


Edited 2/8/2005 6:57 pm ET ET by littlesoul2
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 10:54pm
Hi Littlesoul,
In my situation, I actually said the words that it was over. This helped make it more real to me, helped to close doors that would otherwise been left open. We talked and see each other every day at work, so it wasn't realistic for me to just stop talking to him all of a sudden. Saying the words though helped me to put some closure to the situation. Which I need badly. I told him not to contact me until he has filed for D. I told him I loved him but couldn't do this anymore. If I wouldn't have said anything, I would have changed my mind a million times and continued the cycle. Now, we haven't been very good at NC, but that's besides the point. Saying the words made me feel in control, something I hadn't felt in the entire A. It could be a positive experience for you and help you to move on.