whoa. just heard from OM...i need y'all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
whoa. just heard from OM...i need y'all!
8
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 2:30pm
ok, nothing earth shattering was said, but i am so shaky and freaked out. i need some support and assurance from y'all, and to know what you think. you all are all so strong and always help me, so this place was all i could think about when i got through talking to him. i need my girls! (wondertwin powers, activate!!!)

very brief recap of my situation: work together for years, pretty good buddies before, always flirted a little but I am M and he has a GF, during a time of emotional weakness for me, i became particularly responsive to his flirting and he soon became serious about wanting to hook up. i struggled with the decision for a while, he pursued, it felt GREAT, so i caved. we've been on and off for a few months. on=he would email and IM and see how far he could take things, i reveled in the high until he would not contact me after an encounter and i got hurt. off=one of us (usually me) ended things because he saw 'casual' as permission to ignore me for periods of time after an encounter and i expected friendly contact to be more frequent. always he came back. sometimes we'd have talks about our friendship and how it was most important (although i guess real friends don't really have to talk about that.) but always it got flirty and led back to sex. well, we had kind of switched back into 'on' mode (quasi-on mode actually...he thought i was too attached and ended things, i told him not to think so highly of himself-it's not attachment, but yeah, the attention is a turn on but he left it open with a suggestion that we couldn't control ourselves when we were together and that we'd be together for a work thing this weekend) anyway, work thing canceled. not a word from him all week. never even ran into him.

i had been so good this week. i decided friday i wanted to be free from this and followed my plan all week. i logged into IM for the first time today, out of morbid curiousity. sure as hell, he comes up on my screen all "hey! how are you?" we had really idle chit chat for a minute...when i told him i was doing really well, he asked if there was any particular reason. i found that strange! i told him, no, can't i be really great without a reason? he made some more small talk and made a joke about me not being able to keep my hands of him. i told him that i wasn't the one with that problem. he said "yeah, you're right. i'll try to keep my hands to myself." i told him he could do it, and he said "oh i'll do it, sweetie ;)" i said "huh?" and he just smiled. he then mentioned a work thing and i told i'd be there, but "no playing together anymore, ok?" he said, "ok, sweetheart. if you say so." i thanked him and then (and here's where it gets a little funky) i told him to by a porno if he needed 'material.' he laughed and said "ok, i have to reboot my computer and just wanted to say hi." i said "bye." and that was it...until i responded again and made sure he knew that i was joking about the porn and wan't angry, but firm about the decision to not fool around. he said again, "ok sweetheart. thanks. have a good weekend."

whew. contact with him always gets me scattered and shaky. i tried to handle it firmly, but in a light enough way that would not get him to say something upsetting to me that might set me back. i hate it, but leaving things in a bad way with him (like me not being in control or looking stupid) causes me to obsess and makes things worse. i KNOW i KNOW i KNOW i'm nothing to him. but STILL i love his IMs and the occasional email or kiss. really, i just want to feel wanted by him. i am petrified of rejection. but i would rather have peace, a happy marriage and a work environment that doesn't leave me afraid of when we might run into each other in the elevator or something.

i need to know if i handled this right, and how to proceed.

thanks so much. i love you guys!

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 2:45pm
Oh Lily - the contact and flirting does shake things up some! It sounds like he was trying to go back to the flirting and it sounds to me like he was putting his feelers out for the next work function. Could it be that or am I reading into it?

Be careful! You have come so far!

DON'T let him jerk you around! Don't let him have the last word and pull you right back into this. Plus if you are strong you will be "showing him" who is in charge - and that should feel awesome - better than being a good lover and boosting his ego - you can be the one he can't have. Let that boost YOUR ego!

One thing that really distances me from OM is after I've had a nice time with my husband. Especially sex. Sounds sort of primal - but if you do have a work event and he is going to talk and flirt - make sure you are prepared and make sure to have really good feelings about your husband at the time. Then maybe you won't want the OM so much. Grab your husband and seduce him and have a quickie if you have to - and you won't be so ready to get physical with OM.

I'm talking to myself here as much as you!

Plus - think of what a great strong example you are - you are so encouraging on this board! Come back and tell us how you got past this and feel just as strong! Fantasize about him wanting you - not blowing you off yet again!

I think it is okay to like the attention from someone - take that for what it is worth and be flattered - you are someone he desires - he makes that clear! Don't be someone he can use though. I'm trying to think of the same thing.

Hang in there! You are so very strong and can handle this.

I also think it is okay to miss someone and miss the attention. You are only human. But don't go back and let the hurt and wondering start again. Everytime you get through this kind of thing you will feel stronger and better for moving past it and not backtracking.

You go girl! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 2:55pm
Lily, you did such a good job by getting rid of his old emails. BUT -- while it is important to let go of the past, you also need to STOP the madness in the future, too. YOU NEED TO GET HIM OFF YOUR BUDDY LIST!!! No more IMs! As long as you are responsing AT ALL to his flirty IMs, you are leaving the door open in his mind. He probably now thinks of you as a challenge, like you're playing hard-to-get. Stand firm, honey!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 3:03pm
There's nothing I need to tell you that you don't already know. You are a very smart woman and you know what it is that you have to do/not do, next.

These were ONLY instant messages, and he writes from an oblivious platform. Totally clueless as to what you have been going through. I'm glad you told him you were doing really well. One day you will REALLY feel these words without even thinking about this clown. His cocky "I'll try to keep my hands to myself" remark is nothing more than baiting, not flattery.

I bet your husband thinks you are beautiful. If you are doubting that, ask him. Give this man a chance to win ALL of you back.

Hang tight sweetie, and get a new User ID ( or off that buddy list!)on your computer!

~True~

PS. I forgot! (((((((((((LILY)))))))) <-----hugging you real tight and telling you it'll be OK!!




Edited 9/17/2004 5:11 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 3:09pm
Lily

Lazy is bang on he is trying to set you up for a quick bang at this work function, I would suggest in the future you let him know that your not his sweatheart he has a G/F for that (that poor poor woman to be stuck with such a pig).

It is clear he is concern about you getting to strong for his garbage to work anymore, he is wondering were your getting it from.

I like Lazys idea about connecting with your husband big time sexually but also emotionaly before going to that function could help.

At the function do anything you have to not to be alone with this TURD, he is a low life user, I don't know him but I know plenty like him, you can bet he is bragging it up in the bar and the locker room with his buddies after he scores.

When you go to this function were going to be looking over your shoulder.

If you don't mind me asking in very general terms what line of work are you in.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 3:28pm
Lily,

I think you handled this well. One thing I would have done different (and I did with my MM) when he called you sweetheart, I would have said you must be confusing me with someone else (or something like that). I did this to my MM when he would call me pretty woman - I would say I am working woman, not pretty woman : )

Anyway, I think you did pretty good. I would not IM him anymore. If he IM's you, just log off. You can always say you lost the connection if he calls you on it. You know how PC's can act at times.

If you really want to get away from him - just remember to be strong. As it is, I think you are the one in control here (you got the words you needed to in). Remember, NOTHING can happen if YOU don't let it. I have to keep telling myself those words.

I don't know if you see this guy at work, but if you don't it sure makes it easier to move on. I know it has for me.

Once again, you did good. I don't think you are 'nothing' to him. But don't let him control who you are and who you want to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 4:59pm
Hugs to you all...Lazy, True, Katie, Free, Working!

You are all amazing and I found the strength I needed in your posts. Thank you for taking the time to hold my hand today and get me through this bump!

"Plus if you are strong you will be "showing him" who is in charge - and that should feel awesome - better than being a good lover and boosting his ego - you can be the one he can't have. Let that boost YOUR ego!"

Lazy, what I great way of looking at things! You are so right! That quote made me feel so empowered and less pathetic than I have in a LONG time. Thank you for that. I think I will be playing that in my mind all weekend. Really, that was such a breakthru for me!


Katie, You are right. The only way to stand completely firm is to truly close that door. I have taken him off my buddy list, but do occasionally log on to that old account to see if I will hear from him. I have changed my name and will stick to it. I think I want him to think of me as a challenge, but I need to stop caring what he thinks and focus on me. Thanks for your help today and always!

"These were ONLY instant messages, and he writes from an oblivious platform. Totally clueless as to what you have been going through. I'm glad you told him you were doing really real. One day you will REALLY feel these words without even thinking about this clown. His cocky "I'll try to keep my hands to myself" remark is nothing more than baiting, not flattery. "

True, you are so right on here. He has no idea what I have been going through for the past 5 months, pain and turmoil from him and the other stressors and drama in my life. And ya know, he doesn't care. But I do and I need to take responsibility for the future and see that I don't let him be the source of anymore trouble. Thanks for the hugs and support!

Free...

"he has a G/F for that (that poor poor woman to be stuck with such a pig)"

AMEN SISTER FRIEND!!!

"It is clear he is concern about you getting to strong for his garbage to work anymore, he is wondering were your getting it from. "

I'm getting it from you all.

"I like Lazys idea about connecting with your husband big time sexually but also emotionaly before going to that function could help. "

Working on that one, right now H and I are having trouble there. We were finally intimate this week, but it took a lot of work and was pretty mechanical. Oh well, it's definately a start. He was very sweet and open, but I am working on getting that drive for him back. It's nowhere near the lust I have for OM.

"When you go to this function were going to be looking over your shoulder. "

Thank God for that. You guys will be on my mind every step.

WorkingWoman,

"If you really want to get away from him - just remember to be strong. As it is, I think you are the one in control here (you got the words you needed to in). Remember, NOTHING can happen if YOU don't let it. I have to keep telling myself those words. "

Thanks so much, I really needed to hear that. You are so right. :)

"But don't let him control who you are and who you want to be."

Starting now, I won't.

Love you all,

Lily



Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 8:18am
" really, i just want to feel wanted by him."

THAT'S EXACTLY IT!!! I just got some more insight when I read your last post Lily, I too just want to feel wanted...sexually. My wonderful husband of 17 years, together 19, just doesn't make me feel like he used to when we were younger, although we have a 10times better intimate life now then years ago, I don't feel on an everday level, wanted by him. I often wonder if it has anything to do with aging in men, and hormones and things, he is 53, I just turned 39 last Tuesday.

My "playmate" filled that void - for a while.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 8:38am

OMG, Mercedes...This is too weird. My H and I also have a similar age difference and I suspect part of it is aging. They're past there peak and maybe we're in ours! Email me through ivillage if you want to talk. Our situations are so much alike.


You mentioned that you and H have a much better sex life than you did before...how did you accomplish that? I need tips!


Love,


Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby