The whole story

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Registered: 12-31-1969
The whole story
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 3:00pm

Get comfy, this is a long story.

I met him when I was 16, almost 17. I was encouraging him to take a friend of mine to a dance. That wasn't happening so one night, a friend of mine and myself called him up and asked if he wanted to go with me instead. He accepted. We went on a group date. Then we went to the dance together. Afterwards, he kissed me. This kiss, was and still is, the best of my life. We went on to date for the next three years. We were head over heels for one another. Spent as much time together as we could. We fought, but over stupid high school stuff. I graduated and moved two hours away for college. He was still a Senior, but I came home on weekends to see him. The summer before I moved away for college, we broke up for about three weeks, mainly bc of my jealousy issues. Anyway, we had a good year. Then he graduated. I didn't do so well at college and wasn't going to return. He had been accepted to a school in the southern part of our state...three hours or so away. He left and I was heart broken. I missed him. He didn't come home much.

In Sept, he suggested we take a break. We never got back together. He started dating someone else. Fast forward to Dec. I saw him for the first time since we broke up and we talked. We ended up sleeping together again. I sent an email to his current girlfriend about what had happened but she didn't believe me. This habit of sleep together when he would come home, continued for about three years.

In 2003, I met someone, a co-worker. We started dating. It was a rocky and unhealthy relationship. I later found out that he was also seeing another co-worker of ours. She was 'testing' him. She let him know that I was attracted to him to see how serious he was about her. Well, he began dating, that relationship ended. We would 'date' for a few weeks and he would break it off. Then we'd get back together, then he'd break it off. This went on for 9 months. Around Christmas of 03, he decided to go home (AK) for the holidays and stop in Seattle to see a friend. He decided to move to Seattle when he got back. He left in Feb of 04.

I was relieved the relationship was over. I began talking to my high school boyfriend again. I saw him one night and we had a good time together. We almost had sex, but at the last moment, I stopped him. I'm glad that I did. About a week later, I found out I was pregnant.

I called the guy that had left for Seattle and I told him I was pregnant. His response? "I'm not coming back'. We attempted to say we were in a relationship. I even went to see him when I was about 4 months along. It was very uncomfortable. Days after I got back home, he ended the relationship again and was seeing someone else. He asked me on several occasions if the baby was my ex boyfriends.

Over the course of my pregnancy, I saw my ex boyfriend a few times. We both clearly had feelings for one another, we were both just too afraid of getting hurt to say anything. The last time I saw him, I was 7 months pregnant. I would later find out that he had come to see me that night to ask me for another chance. I foolishly wrote a letter and posted it to a site about how my ex kept coming around and he needed to realize we were over. Ever try to tell yourself something over and over again in hopes of one day, believing it's true? Yeah, that was me. I crushed him with that letter.

Three weeks before I had my daughter, her dad showed up. He wanted to see her be born. He was living in my living room. He stayed for six weeks and then went back to AK to start another school program. In Feb of 05, he asked me if we would move to AK to be with him. I agreed. i wanted to at least know I'd tried to give my daughter a family. During this time, I never heard from the high school boyfriend.

In May of 2005, we moved to AK. It was awful. My now H, smoked a lot and we fought all the time. We've had the cops called on us more than once for our arguments. Shortly after I moved, I attempted to contact the HS BF, he replied with an email telling me to never talk to him again. I was crushed. i never wanted that, but I respected it.

In,  Feb 2006   I heard that the hs bf had joined the ARMY. I saw him online one day and simply told him 'Good Luck. Don't get yourself killed" He said, Thanks. That was it. Nothing more :smileysad:

In summer of 2006, H had to move to another town for the summer to finish school work. He would be six hours away. We ended up breaking up. This is right about the time MySpace and Facebook were born. I was alerted, by a friend, of my ex-bf MySpace profile. I looked at it and found that he was dating someone. I was crushed. I had always hoped that we would find a way back to one another.

We heard about each other through family members over the years and in fall of 2006 I heard that he was engaged. My heart broke. I had also heard he was going to Iraq. I hoped and prayed that the engagement would fall apart while he was deployed. They got married weeks later. I remember my mom telling me. I threw myself on my bed and bawled my eyes out. BTW, H and I had gotten back together by this point.

H finished his program and in Jan of 07 we moved to MN. Our relationship was still very rocky. So when we moved, my main goal was to get mine and my daughters belongings back to the lower 48. Things got better though. We were away from his family and that helped a lot. I was going to go back to school while H worked and took care of most of the bills

In June of 07, hs bf showed up on AIM and started talking to me. I was shocked and so excited! We started with the are you!! and all that. We quickly started talking about our relationship and what went wrong. We talked as much as he could be online and we talked for hours at at time. He wrote me a letter while on duty one night. In that letter, he admitted that if I'd talked to him the summer that H and I broke up, i would probably be receiving war money. So we talked through his deployment. Then we came back to the states and he and his wife had a baby.

My H proposed to me in late 07 and we got married in 08. During that time, I was not in contact with ex-bf. I thought of him often. I even had dreams about his before I got married of him or his parents telling me to not get married. Shortly after ex-bf baby was born, he deployed for a second time. We began talking again. I was pregnant with my second child. Again, we talked through most of his deployment. When he got back to Iraq after his leave, he admitted to me that he missed talking to me while gone. Our conversations were always good and full of emotion and powerful memories. I always held myself back because I knew it was going to end, and usually abruptly.

When he returned from his second deployment we continued to talk. By this time, we had admitted that we were still in love with one another, but it wasn't something we said often. On his final night in the Army, we managed a phone call and said our good byes and 'I love you" 's.

After that, i don't think we really talked much. Happy birthday..congrats on a baby (there are now 5 between us. Me, 3 and he has 2). Every once in a while we would talk for a day or so..catching up again. We always found ways to hear news about the other, mainly from family members that still talk to one another.

In May, he started talking to me again. Just out of the blue. It was great. I hadn't been that comfortable talking to him since we were together. Our relationship moved quickly this time. By June, he had plans to make a trip home. He was in TX and I am in MN. I already had a trip planned for home. We would be seeing one another for the first time in almost 8 years. To say that we were excited, is an understatement. We spent one day together. When we were together, everything seemed right. We were whole again. We talked and drove around our home town. We made out like teenagers. When we had to part ways, it was heart breaking. We both knew that our relationship had to stop there. We couldn't handle not being together.

The next day all i did was cry. By that afternoon, I cracked and got a hold of him. We agreed to see one another briefly, before he left town. We've been talking ever since then.This is the love of my life and I couldn't let him go again, nor could he let go of me.

We continued to talk. We talked about being together. Where we would live, how our kids would get along, what vacations to take, having a baby of our own, how he would propose, what kind of wedding we would have. We covered everything. We could never find a place that we didn't agree on.

In July, my H confronted me and asked if there was someone else. I told him the truth. He was angry, but wants to work on things. He has been very back and forth. One day, he is calm and the next he is very angry with me. He has, of course, demanded that I stop talking to my OM. I've tried, and can't seem to do it. Nor, do I want to. OM and I talked of being together. how we would make it work.

In August, OM wife asked him if there was someone else. He told her about me and our relationship. She asked questions for two days and hasn't said anything since. I guess she has completely changed her ways. OM was ready to leave bc she has treated him so poorly throughout their marriage. Now, he plans to stay.

Tomorrow, OM leaves for a trip and when he gets back, he will start school full time. Right now, I'm trying to slowly stop talking to him. I imagine that over the next week or two it will dwindle down to nothing. OM says that one day we will have our chance, it just can't be right now. There are too many things in our way. Living 1000 miles apart, two divorces required, custody battles (on my side), figuring out how to juggle a job and school (him)...I hope he's right. We've both told our spouses that we will always love one another and always wonder about each other. They have both said they understand that.

I don't know. I don't know how to not have him in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to:
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 5:20pm

Welcome Lidb

Well that is one whole story for sure.  Seems there's been a lot of back and forth and things never panning out due to various reasons...and that you are both now living a dream of 'someday'..with a lot of fantasy talk back and forth. 

Where does that leave your marriage?  You say your husband understands about this other man.  Is your husband aware that you want to leave him one day?  




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 9:02am

That's all we can do sometimes...take it one day at a time.

Sometimes we just have to make up our minds that this is where we are today...this is where we are meant to be.  Take care of my present because we do not know what the future may bring.  And when we take care of today and don't leave it in shabbles then we move in a healthier way into tomorrow.

The ability to commitment is what brings us all here today.  Being able to commit to the decision we make is a sign of maturity and shows we have integrity.  We can always change a situation, but we have to do it the right way.  

I think making a decision is your first step, but I don't think basing your decision on words of 'someday' is in your best interest.  I'd commit fully to your marriage and to your raising your family for now.  Once we set our intentions on something, we nourish it and it grows.