Whoppi comments on The View

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Whoppi comments on The View
25
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 4:59am

Yesterday morning on The View, one of the hot topics was about sex addicts.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 6:13am

buddy

Your words have spoken to me tonight, and I am feeling your pain and grief. I am only 3+ weeks NC so I am no expert (nor ever will be I'm sure) but I can relate to some of the things you said as I have been dealing with that stuff too.

One 'good' (I know, bad choice of words) thing that has come out of me having a 1+ year A is that it has made me really REALLY face up to my 'issues', both current and those going way back to my early teen and teenage years. IC is definitely helping that, but alot of the work I'm having to do is when I'm at home, living in RL and self reflecting.

<>
I know exactly what you're saying...I feel the same way without a doubt. I have never really felt 'happy' and 'contented', I've always felt like I was just living a life that 'happened' and isn't really what I wanted it to be. But no more! I'm self reflecting, exploring, doing heavy IC sessions, and talking endlessly with my H about how I have been during our marriage. About the 'walls' I've always seemed to have regarding being loving and accepting love back (I've always struggled with being affectionate as my mother withheld affection from me when I was a pre teen and teen) and how I ended up having sex very young and spent several years believing that sex was the best way to make boys like me. I've held in the shame and guilt of that stuff for so many years, but my IC suggested that I just ACCEPT IT. Accept that it happened...that my parents did the best they knew how, and that yes, that is the story of my teenage years and THAT'S OKAY, even if it's not what I'd like it to be. Simple 'acceptance' and moving on can make a difference, and I know I'm so over feeling all that guilt, regret and anger and I'm not going to carry it into the second 40 years of my life.

The thing is, our xAP's may have, at times, made us feel 'special' 'smart' and 'beautiful' (I definitely know mine did!) but that was while we were living a life of fantasy. It isn't Real Life, and we were not 'theirs' to tell us that stuff! And as much as we hate admitting it, of COURSE they're going to tell us that stuff, cos then we keep going back to them! And they keep getting their fix...yes, it hurts like hell but we have to face reality.

Fill yourself, tell YOURSELF that you are special, smart and beautiful and remind yourself each and every day. You don't need validation from a guy you can't have to tell you that stuff. I'm sure your kids think that about you too :) And that's why these A's are an addiction, and why NC is so very important in the healing process - NC helps us shake of that 'fog' and help us see an A for what it really is...lies, deceit, fantasy and unbelievable pain. But there is hope that comes with strength and courage. As my IC told me today, when I'm feeling like I can't deal with it any more, when I feel like I HAVE to contact xAP, I have to DIG DEEP! Dig deep to the deepest darkest corners of my soul for the strength to fight those demons that are trying to make me do something that will so go against making me the person I really want to be.

Take care buddy xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 7:37am

thank you so much, bestrong. i will keep trying....they say if you "fake it till you make it", eventually you do get there.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 9:31am

Buddy and Bestrong:


Reading your posts this am was chilling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 10:47am

dear kmg,


it makes sense that since we all ended in the same place, we probably all started in similar situations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 2:18pm

buddy, bestrong and kmg6,


I understand exactly where you are coming from. I too felt little or no affection from my parents

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 2:44pm

buddy, bestrong, kmg and bandk,

Can I join the club too? (:

I too am in my 40's and have suffered the same childhood adandonment/seperation anxiety/emotional abuse kinds of things. I have done so much counseling over the years and yet here I am STILL dragging coming up short--always with this deep void and going through the motions in life like an outsider. When I got immeresed in this A and it escalated to its peak I too remember being absolutely living in a vacuum where I lived my life totally and completely for AP. My tolerance increased and as he pulled away at times and talked about his W, I tried twice as hard to please him...to be the "sexy vixen, the smart professional, the compassionate friend, the pleasing and adoring woman" HE needed....all because I thought I had FINALLY found true love.

Looking at all this now through a new view, I see how desperate and clingy and needy I became. I went into my child ego state of being. Even now as I suffer the withdrawl I feel that tug of being the sad little girl left behind that no one loves enough.

I truly want to heal this hole in my soul that has existed for so many years. My M is really in shambles and I keep wondering what is next on the horizon. But like a true addict, I guess I need to stick to our loyal NC pledge and just keep looking at myself for the answers.

It's so hard!

(((hugs))) to my EAS sisters

Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 2:53pm
Same goes for me. No attention, affection etc. all through childhood. Also way past 40. Have always enjoyed mens attention just didn't act on it until my kids were all moved out. My husband was married to his job for the last 30 years. It wasn't until recently, when I became distant, because of xap, which H only suspects, but doesn't know much, that H decided that I am important to him. I just hope and pray that it's not too late. Xap gave me all the attention I so very much craved. He wasn't married, however, quite a bit younger than me. Which makes it even harder to "look" at my H now because of the strong physical attraction I had as well as emotional with xap. The only thing keeping me in my marriage is strong desire to set the right example for my kids and the fact that it would absolutely destroy my H to his core. I know I could be happy with H if I could just learn to love myself. I have had T, but it got my nowhere. My affair has been over now for almost a year with very little contact, which always sets me so far back. Never anything physical. I just can't get him out of my head. I still have crying bouts in my car every now and then. I know that the longer I can go completely NC the better off I'll be. My biggest problem is alcohol. I'm not a drinker, maybe once a month at social occasions, but this is when I get in to trouble with contact. Drunk texting or calling is so, so bad! Does anybody else become weak when alcohol is involved? I'd hate to have to give it up completely.
So, a couple of questions. 1.) How do we learn to love ourselves? 2.) Will I ever be able to feel attraction for my husband again? 3.) Do I have to give up social drinking forever??
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 3:10pm

KMG - hello, are you my twin? (smile) I could have written that same thing word for word.

My M is over (going through the divorce now), I ended my A too (going on 20 days) and so now I'm stumbling in the dark trying to make sense of it all and trying to figure out who I am. I have always been looking for approval and acceptance and attention. Men were so important. I have been in relationships with guys since I was 15! Now it's a matter of trying my hardest not to get wrapped up again in a man, get strong, love me and my life first before I start dating again. It's so hard though. Ex H is dating, I miss my AP and I am lonely. I want to feel the safety of a guy's company. I want someone to consider me his girl. This is such an emotional process, such a journey and I am really scared.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 3:18pm

THANK U, THANK U, THANK U

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 3:19pm

God, so many things you said spoke to me--coming up short on counseling and going thru the motions and feeling like an outsider...both me.

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