Why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Why?
29
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 10:14pm

WHY????

Why does this happen? Right when you start to make progress, does something so utterly stupid throw you into a complete tailspin??? When do the little ironic episodes stop - or at least when do we stop SEEING them as "ironic episodes"???

Here's the stupid ironic episode I'm speaking of...

I was at work today and the mail came. In it, was a postcard from a little sports bar down the road from my theatre. It said I won an 'office party' (whoopie - there are 5 people who work in my office). Here's the stupid ironic part - I haven't been to this sports bar in 5 MONTHS!!! It was one of the 'special places' xOM and I use to go. We would meet there for lunch, drinks - whatever. It's the place we had our first 'date, first kiss, place he first said "I love you". Of all the stupid 'special places' - this one was "it". I haven't been back there since we broke up.

I'm so sick of this crap!! WHEN DOES IT STOP????

Diva




Edited 12/20/2004 11:53 pm ET ET by actressdiva
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: actressdiva
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 8:06am

Diva,

What you are referring to is called a "trigger" and it is perfectly normal. That is when something happens and it brings back memories and emotions...sometimes those emotions feel so raw you feel like you started NC an hour ago instead of weeks/months ago. There are definitely places that were me and XOM"s place to meet and hang out and I can't help but get a pit in my stomach when I drive by there. He bought me a ring that I no longer wear but see it when I open my jewelry box, I guess I should put it somewhere out of sight.

Just feel what you have to feel and move on. Triggers are going to happen for a good long time....until eventually they won't happen anymore. I promise.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 12:38pm

Diva, you're not alone. I still have these issues, two months of soild NC and I "see" him everywhere I go, and think of him with every song on the radio. It will go away, but you may need to imploy some coping mechanisms in the meantime.

Let me give an example. Shortly after the first (of many) times my xMM and I ended it, I read this article about having an A with your husband. I thought it was ridiculous at the time. However, since FINALLY, really ending my A, I have started having one with my H.

We eat at the restaurant that xMM and I were fond of attending. We meet for drinks after work. I've woken him up for a 2 a.m. booty call. And we unabashedly had heated sex in a parking lot in the back of the car. My xMM and I were frequent parking lot visitors. In essence, I have replaced some of the memories of HIM, with lasting memories with my husband.

So, if you can stand it, meet your H. there for cocktails. It could be a great time. OR, throw the postcard away and chalk it up to another misty-eyed moment and move on to the rest of your day.

I feel for ya, girl! I wish I could take the pain away, but unfortunately we have to ride these emotions out until they go away. At least we can talk to each other about it.

Stay strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 1:05pm

I get a star too then :-)

My H was away 10 days , he is back tomorrow, and I did not have any contact with xOM all through. I feel great.. I feel I have the power to resist finally, because through the ups and downs I stuck my ground, ofcourse with a lot of help from the board :-) and all my friends here

Diva this feels really good doesnt it..
Trish

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 5:09pm

I know I've said this before, but really do love you guys!!

Shel - That's an interesting idea...I just may have to try that :-) Thanks for the tip. I have been struggling trying to reconnect w/H. I let xOM consume me and no longer had time (or ineterest) for H. I need to get that back...I WANT to get that back.

Trish - You get a whole truck load of gold stars! It does feel pretty good when you 'do the right thing'. I'm proud of myself for not calling xOM while H has been gone. And I'm looking forward to H coming home (rather than looking forward to him leaving).

I did have another episode today. I was at the store buying a thank you card for someone at H's office, when I saw a card that said "You & I are like Cake and Ice Cream...". My heart skipped a beat...xOM use to say that kissing me and starring at me were like trying to choose between cake and ice cream. I thought about him for a minute...smiled...and then moved on. No tears!!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 5:26pm

You are "THE BOMB" Diva!


Hey girl, I haven't abandoned you yet.

sc

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 5:50pm

You're never going to forget (why would you want to) and it may always hurt a little. And once you accept both of those, you're on your way to recovery. We can't pretend our As didn't happen. He touched your heart -- and he changed you and your life. Be grateful that you had him for the time that you did, and go on. These things are going to happen. But it WILL get easier in time. That I can promise you. Someday you will think of him and he'll be "a warm memory."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 6:21pm

Thanks again for everyone's support!

UHG - ya know I luv ya too!! I was worried about you when I got your last email - things didn't sound as good as I thought they would. I knew you were busy and appreciate the time you took to post & email!! Write when you get a chance.

Bella - Question...I go back and forth between feelings of "warm and fuzzy" and "anger" and "sadness" when I think about memories of xOM. Here is my question, "Is it wrong to have those feelings be "warm & fuzzy"? I mean, I know xOM touched my heart and I know I loved him and he loved me...but if I get those warm feelings when I think about him, am I more likely to wind up back where I started? I have a habit of dating "on again off again men". The only person I have ever NOT dated more than once is my H (we have been together since our first date). I'm in T and trying to change my patterns, but based on my previous habits, I'm afraid that if xOM WERE to come back and want to 'work things out', I might give in. But thne how do I think about those moments and not have them be warm & fuzzy?? Bleh!

Diva

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: actressdiva
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 7:07pm
i know exactly what you mean about going back and forth between the warm fuzzy feelings and the anger. I love XOM and want to run to him right now, and at the same time I'd like to do a job on his brakes. This is normal I guess. Today I was just thinking about how hard it is to say goodbye, and how I refuse to go through this again. That is what keeps me from calling him. It hurts too much to go through this and I've had to say goodbye to him so many times. I couldn't possibly go through this again.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 11:28pm

You HAVE "warm and fuzzy" feelings. And "what we resist, persists." You LOVED this man -- and you still do. You always will, to some extent. And, IN TIME, you will be able to love this man AND the pain will go away. Maybe not completely but 95% (or more) will go away. We think we have to dislike him or dislike ourselves (or both him AND ourselves) for what happened -- for the affair and/or the affair -- and that if we get angry enough at him or ourself, then the pain will go away. It doesn't happen that way. The anger is just a coverup, a distraction. And being doesn't do us any good, to boot. What we want is the pain to go away NOW and never come back. And that ain't going to happen unless we find someone we love more than we loved him.

We had an A. The memory of MM and the A is always going to be with us. It's not just going to magically disappear someday from our minds forever.

I still have my lover's picture (I'm single) on my dresser. It will stay there until I marry someone else -- IF I ever marry someone else. (That's a BIG IF.) I've gotten past the big hurt (MOST of the time it's not there anymore -- I tried for two years to end the A, so it had a lot of time to 'peter out' -- no pun intended), and I want to remember him and the good times we had and how he changed my life. I found out I could love and that I was lovable (although now I am sure he didn't love me very much but I think he loved me as much as he could love anyone). He showed me that I was strong and courageous and that I could do almost anything I wanted to do (within reason, for a woman who is turning 56 this month). So I went back to school to finish my AA Degree, and I aced all my classes. Now I'm going on to the University.

I have done a lot of crying (over the past two years, as this SLOWLY wound down and I become brave enough to end it) over the loss of him, of the sound of his voice, of how 'secure' and safe I felt in his arms -- and that's all right. When we 'mourn' the loss of someone, we cry. THAT's normal. Not crying is NOT normal.

MM and I used to e-mail first thing in the morning about the daybreak. We've had some gorgeous sunrises here in the past few months (and in the past three years). In fact, that's how we got together -- e-mailing about the sunsets that we could see from our office windows. A couple of days ago we had a gorgeous sunrise. I got very emotional as I walked outside to my car, thanked God that MM had been in my life, got in the car, and cried all the way to work. And loved every minute of it. Because the only other choice was (1) not to have had MM in my life -- and I wouldn't have traded that for anything and (2) not to have loved like I did -- and I wouldn't have traded that for anything.

BTW, MM wasn't The Second Coming. He was a real sh-t at times. Too many times. But he was basically a good man and there were things about him personally -- things about him that didn't have to do with 'us' -- like how he loved/loves his adult children and how he cared/cares for the people he supervises and other things I can't talk about for fear of giving away too much information about him. And I'm grateful. I'm back in school, I volunteer, I have a goal, I love getting older. Three years ago I was floundering and depressed. Three years later I look and feel 10 years younger.

Be GRATEFUL that you had MM, that you can feel, that you can love and know that the pain will gradually go away. The pain is also a gift, you know. Not only does it tell us that we loved -- but we'll think twice about doing something like this again. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 12:00am

wow...I want to be where you are in your view of life. My head is so clouded right now from the break up...I can't see the future. I DO feel like it'd be easier to get over this if I could hate him. He hasn't done anything to make me hate him though and that pisses me off sometimes. I know that I don't regret falling for him and WOW...I've never before felt the love I felt from him. But, now I just worry that I will end up with some guy some day and I will not ever really give him a chance because I will be comparing him to xMM. Don't get me wrong...I don't even WANT to be in a relationship right now...I just couldn't help thinking about the next poor guy that will have to suffer.