Why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Why?
3
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 11:40pm
Why does it seem easier to cause our spouse pain then our OM/OW? Isn't that what we're doing while were having an affair, whether they are aware of it or not. We emotionally push them away to make room in our hearts for someone else. Then when we are finally ready, (after months or many years) to make our marriages work, we expect THEM to be there for us. Why should they?

torn

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tornbtwloves
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 10:39am
The first thing I need to do is ask you IF in fact you are involved in an A and trying to end it? We don't deal a whole lot with the emotions that the BS deals with here. You will find better support on the Betrayed Spouse message board if you are one.

And as an OW involved with a MM, I would like to tell you that my opinion as to your questions as to why it seems easier to cause a spouse pain than an OW/OM may be because your spouse is who you are married to, your spouse is the one you have committed to and are experiencing pretty severe problems with or you wouldn't have betrayed them to begin with. OR a married person who cheats may just have some internal problems themselves and the communication lines have broken down in the marriage where they no longer feel comfortable in being truly open or themselves with their spouse. Often times, bad behavior or self esteem issues are terribly hard to deal with when they are trying to be the strong one in the marriage. Additionally, problems with a spouse and causing the cheater pain is why they don't deal effectively with the one who caused it so they look to a third party to find answers. This is just my opinion based on my own situation.

As to why a cheating spouse expects the betrayed spouse to be there for them is a good question. In my opinion, when vows are broken and trust is destroyed, there can be no expectation of the spouse to be there for you. One can only hope that if the truth of the A comes out, that there was enough of a foundation for love and understanding in the marriage that they have a desire to rebuild. Of course, you can expect it, but when you gamble with your life long commitment by having an affair, it is a chance you take of losing your marriage.

If this is your situation, I would highly recommend you seek counseling from a professional who can better help you to understand yourself. When a person lives in the fantasy of an A long enough, it is difficult at times to face REALITY, even though that is what is necessary.

Good luck.

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: tornbtwloves
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 10:54am
Torn, we don't EXPECT them to be there for us, but we HOPE that they will there for us. I don't think its a bad expectation since we might have done the very same thing with them in the past. Relationships are always borne to ups and downs, what you make out of these situations is really up to each one in the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tornbtwloves
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 7:48pm
I didn't want to cause my spouse pain when I was involved in my EMA. I didn't want to cause my EMA partner pain when I broke it off. I didn't want to cause me or my family or my friends pain over any of it.

Did I cause pain by my actions? Yes, pain to all those who love me and care for me and to myself. Was it worth the pain? No! Was the affair somethung I learned from? Yes! I learned I could never trust the man I thought 'he' was. I learned what was missing at home. I learned that what I had at home was precious and deserved better from me!

Did I expect my spouse to be there for me before, during and after my affair? No! But I sure as heck am glad he was there. Even after all the crap I've put him through, he's still here by my side. We do love each other and want our relationhip to grow so we are willing to put up with a little pain and discomfort to work through it all.

So, EMA partner is out of the picture in a personal way and SOON will be out of the picture in a business way as well!! Things will get better in our household. WOOHOO!!!! Life is almost good!

~Chris~