Why

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2012
Why
6
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 12:41pm
Why didn't I listen? All of you told me what not to do. You know better, you've all been to this place before. I told myself what not to do. And I just didn't listen. Hurting so very much today and blaming myself. I should have listened to all of you. Thank you for all of your advice and kind words of support. Have to figure out how to pick myself up again and start over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
In reply to: blondehigh
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 10:05am

Blonde,

Rather says it so very, very well.  And his words (always) resonate with me.  Listen to him.

He is absolutely right.  WHEN you are done, the insanity will stop.  The chaos will stop.  But, you must BE READY.

I (finally) sent the “do not contact me anymore” email about 2 months ago.  I prolonged my ending almost two years!  But, I will not beat myself up for that – I just realize now that I guess I wasn’t ready.

But, when I knew the following, I knew I was ready:

·        The “relationship” was not going anywhere; it was NOT meeting my needs

·        I was only ever going to be his secret, his feel good on the side, number two

·        Neither one of us were going to leave our spouses

·        The “high” and the fantasy of pretending we were going to be together one day was over (for me)

·        I got tired of the lying, lying, lying.  To all parties involved, including myself

·        I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

·        I was tired of not sleeping well, feeling physically like crap (due to anxiety and fear)

So, be gentle with yourself, BUT, PAY ATTENTION to how you feel in this A.  Pay attention to how contact with XAP makes you feel.  Pay attention.  And, if you’re like most of us here, you will see that you don’t like being in an A one bit.

As my beautiful 21 year old daughter said one time not too long ago about something that was occurring in her life, if you don’t like something, change it.

Pay attention.  You will get there.  After all, isn’t that why you found this board?  Because you want to end your A?  It takes courage and commitment, but so many have done just that.  You can too.

~Sunrise

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
In reply to: blondehigh
Sat, 12-01-2012 - 11:17am

Why?

Because you aren't done yet.

It isn't a simple process getting your mind to say, "I'm done!" For some it comes easier for some than others. It all depends on why you want it done, and how important it is to you. Why that is so, I don't know. Some hang on for a long time. Years even.

The question "Why?", only you can answer. Look to yourself for that answer, and try to be honest with yourself.

Was there the secret hope that he had changed and would be available to you on YOUR terms? Were you hoping that things had changed? It really wasn't fear of him calling your H, was it?

Being done is when you say to yourself, "NO, this time I am not going to bite."

No matter what, the circumstances don't matter, you are just done and it doesn't matter, anymore.

It's self preservation. It's ending it for YOU.  No one else, just you. You are protecting yourself.

We can give you the tools for these actions, but it is up to you to use them.

I think everyone who answered your first post knew you going to take the hit.  Otherwise you wouldn't have asked. You aren't done yet completely. Many of us have been through this before. It is with experience that I am telling you this. I went through this many, many times. I know it's tough.

When you realize this is a fight for YOUR life, and you are ready, then it will be truly over.  You will fight to protect yourself.

You will really go NC and nothing will get in your way of accomplishing it. All the BS about blocking will end and you will.

You are on a journey. You just started it. You don't know where you are going, only that you are on the bumpy road. You are still in the place where if it ends, OK, and if not, well.............you will try, because you know, deep down, it is the right thing to do for you and your family. It takes commitment. Real commitment.

It's all about being honest with yourself. You can fool us, but we don't count.

I hope you can search your motivation, and come up with some honest answers.

That will tell you were you are going.  When you will get there, is still the question.

We are happy to help.  We want to help.  We want you to succeed.  We want you to find happiness.

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
In reply to: blondehigh
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 5:48pm

I'm sorry you're hurting.  I've done the same in the past and each time I've learned there is no going back.  You know this but your heart will try to fight you all the way.  Sometimes it takes a few slaps in the face to realize nothing changes and the hurt will always be there.  You have to believe that you are worth so much more and start protecting yourself from all the insanity these A's cause.  It's a tough fight....keep fighting Blonde, you can do this.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: blondehigh
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 5:28pm
I'm sorry you reached out and touched the hot stove again. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get back on the horse...that's how you do it. And that's how everyone has to do it...'til they are sick and tired of being sick and tired...and say enough is enough. ((hugs)) Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2012
In reply to: blondehigh
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 4:12pm

There is no figuring out how to pick yourself up - You.Just.Do.it.   You grit your teeth, make a NC promise to yourself and stick with it one day at a time.  It will get easier over time.  We have all learned the hard way that being in an affair is such a hell place to be, it strips you of dignity, self-esteem and sucks the life out of you.  NC = No New Hurts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
In reply to: blondehigh
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 3:26pm

(((Blonde))), I am sorry that you got burned again. Walking away is so very hard and when they fish and try to reel you back in, it is so hard to break free but now you have to try and stand back up, determined to do it differently next time. Have a plan in your head and stick to it no matter what. Emotions have been leading the way for a long time now and it is not going to be easy to apply what you know is right when the emotions are feeding your thoughts.

Do you Journal? That was imperative for me to sift through my thoughts and when you have the facts written down in front of you with the why's of what is really going on inside your head, it makes it harder to go against your truth.

You will pick yourself up and you will move forward from this, it may be unsteady at first so try not to be too hard on yourself.

Are you able to change your phone number so that he is not able to contact you anymore?

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.