why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
why?
85
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 8:05pm

do we offer so much....and accept so little?


God, I'm in pain.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 11:51am

Today is a tough day ... the sounds and sights of holidays surround us and we're left feeling like we are going through the motions of life. I don't wanna feel that way anymore, and neither do you.

You and I and every other person on this board is entitled to be in a relationship that is celebrated: where hand-holding doesn't happen under tables and we aren't placed into invisible spaces ... I am sad for all of us who are struggling. I think there is nothing more damaging that a person can do to another than to erode their mental health.

This is one of the reasons I am working at ending this A. Because he has to actively erode the mental health of his partner daily so that she doesn't figure it all out. He has to get her to trust him, when her gut tells her otherwise, he has to lie to her every time she finds something that just doesn't make sense. And that for me is the most awful thing that I have colluded with ... eroding the mental health of another woman. This is the anguish we cause another. And we are left in anguish ourselves. For what? I know I know. But you know, the partner I was involved with was lovely, kind, generous, caring, but at the end of the day he went home ... he went home. And he did what he needed, said what he needed to get the best of both worlds.

I think I am rambling, but I am frustrated. I am angry. I don't want to see women hurting so badly over men that are unavailable to anyone except themselves.

I am aware that this might not seem supportive, but it is... I am here to say, contact doesn't help - it hurts - its makes the hurt worse. Even thou these posts aren't enough, know that in the time between, we are all united and connected to one another - human to human - and therefore not alone in this.

j.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 12:39pm

Thank you Jodi.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: kmg6
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 1:05pm

I did not call, he would probably know it is me anyway....who knows? i am done, thx for saving me from doing something stupid. I am about to take a deep one and get thru this. today is tough, i was good for a while. i guess i am disappointed he has not come fishing at all. that is it.......

guess btwn the other women calling my house and him not even attempting to contact me, he just has moved on and that hurts....right now anyway. at the same time, she is saving him from me.

i thought by now he would have come fishing.....every other mm seems to. i guess i needed to know something was real....that i meant something,

guess he is telling me i did not...maybe that is what hurts so much today, the realization, i didnt mean a thing....

even when i did not know about the A i was in, I did not mean a thing,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
In reply to: kmg6
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 1:06pm

Whenever I have obsessive thoughts about xMM I try to turn my thinking to just how wrong it was of me to allow myself to fall in love with someone else's husband. It was just plain and simply wrong....I, in my own way was manipulative and narcassistic. I am now currently on day 5 of official N/C. I have done this before and have gone for

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
In reply to: kmg6
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 1:14pm

My xMM is not fishing either. In the past he has or I have...we were both weak. I think this time we both do not want to give in to that. We have learned that it is so not worth it, b/c the hurt hurts so much more. I am happy he has not emailed me b/c then I would feel the need to email him right back and really what good would that do? Nothing is changing....that is a fact. So please try to see his lack of fishing as a positive. You win.


Also, FYI so you have a male POV....years ago when I split with my xMM, he would never fish. When we would finally get back together I asked him about why he never did and did he not care. He said he cared so much, but knew that he could not leave so he no longer wanted to hurt me by stringing me along. He wanted me in his life but he knew he could only give me crumbs and hated giving me just that. I believe him. So now I know it is best if we just give one another space.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 1:33pm

Wow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 1:34pm

Caribu79


Don't for one minute think that men are immune to these

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
In reply to: kmg6
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 1:59pm
I am sure your xAP as well as mine are not pining away for us. I know my xMM

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 6:13pm

Welcome to the board, Pause. Perhaps you would like to introduce yourself in our "Roll Call" thread. Are you a single OM? It sounds like it from the way you said you'll be spending Xmas along this year. I know how hard that's going to be...BTDT..actually last year, even though I've been out of my A for 5 years now. Last year just turned out to be a very bad situation with my adult kids not talking to one another, so mom was left alone. :(

I hope you will continue to post here at EAS. It's been a while since we had any male input here. So many gals want to know if the man hurts like they do and us Vets tell them in so many words that of course they do, but what does it matter? Ending an A is all about you , and what the XAP feels or thinks should not be a focal point any longer. You can't get over someone and heal as long as one keeps looking backwards instead of forwards.

I hope you stick around,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: kmg6
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 8:27pm
welcome Pause and thank for your post....today was a tough one for all of us, a really tough one. thx again and please stick around. we could use a guy around here. a smart one at that. please stay.

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