why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
why?
85
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 8:05pm

do we offer so much....and accept so little?


God, I'm in pain.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 2:17pm

Thanks for the welcome.
I have posted several times in MAS and EAS so that is not my first post.
It is interesting that a women's point of view clouds itself in the general
belief that somehow men, the opposite sex, don't generally take things as hard.
Recent studies show that men often take things much harder for a variety of reasons.

Firstly, they are not as in tune with their emotions, and crying/weeping over loss is
such an unmanly thing to do. Secondly, they frequently don't see the breakup coming, so
they feel blindsided by the news. Thirdly, their coping mechanisms are not as developed, so
they are thrown into disarray, and have to learn to function on a basic level. Women are used to dealing with a variety of crises all at once, so they "juggle" much better.

I learned recently that 75% of direct communication emanates from body language. People say one thing but the body language reveals otherwise. I did not realize how telling this was 'til I began recalling some of our final in person conversations. And to further illustrate the point, she would frequently call, thereby hiding behind the telephone, to avoid in person meetings.Therefore, important conversations shouldn't take place anywhere but in person. There are so many indicators from facial expressions to body twitches, that one could almost take a course in body language.

Usually after a breakup men have to try and find an outlet for all the pain, and they frequently
throw themselves into physical activity; going to the gym etc. When my relationship was on the rocks,
I tried to run myself into the ground, sometimes covering forty or fifty miles a week. Then she would call me, and I'd feel a glimmer of hope, which considering what I found out later, was particularly cruel. Stupidly, she was acting in the most selfish way. Whenever she needed to hear my voice, she'd call, and that would reassure her that I still cared. When I called she hardly bothered to talk. Since she knew I still cared, she continued to behave very badly.

Women always go to their friends and talk things out, men for the most part don't want to appear weak, so it takes more self-confidence to admit that you are close to tears to a friend.

So I will say this, based on my research and understanding of the role play between men and women when a relationship hits a major hurdle. Women see the man as the strong one, the protector; so when a man is genuinely moved to tears in front of his loved one, this can confuse the female partner. It often signals a major transfer of power, particularly telling in affairs, where things are inevitably more difficult.

He is exhibiting exactly the opposite of his conditioning. He would in effect be better crying in front of his buddies. He has now exhibited weakness, a natural turnoff for most women. Why is this important? Well one of the frequent topics of conversation here is the no contact game. Why haven't I heard from him? Does he still care?
If your relationship was a reasonably long one, not just a one-nighter, and the ILY phrase was used, it takes considerable time to disentangle feelings, on both sides. Therefore, the standoff becomes about who's the strongest, who has the power, who's in control?

There is no scientific proof for this, but women in my humble opinion tend to be more curious creatures, and therefore fret over the NC more than men. It doesn't matter what you say, the mere act of sending an e-mail, or picking up the phone and dialing, reveals so much to a man. You have in effect opened yourself up for all sorts of abuse, some of it hidden in kindness. Men on the other hand tend to just follow through expecting, the worst thereby protecting the ego from further abuse. It's all stupid childish behavior I know, but it is the dance of courtship and rejection, illustrated on a more simple level in nature.

Ladies if you genuinely want to break it off, e-mail him a hundred times, call him, don't leave him alone.
See how that goes over! He'll probably run a mile.

That's in essence why men withhold contact, because later on it becomes a huge bargaining chip, in the decision to stay out or get back in.

These are not hard and fast rules by any stretch of the imagination and certainly in my case I've seen some huge roll reversals, almost to the point of insanity. But remember this, in the grand scheme of things, it all means very little and can be overridden by one simple rule:

People who want to be together will make every effort to do so, even on a temporary basis.
It does, as they say take two to tango.

Best to all,
and yes I'll stick around 'til the wind changes.....




Edited 12/22/2009 2:24 pm ET by pauseforthought
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
In reply to: kmg6
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 3:48pm

Hi pause,


It's good to hear from you again. I know how you feel. I've only been NC for 8 days. I thought I would feel better by now. It's still very difficult. I'm pretty much up and down all through the day. It's mentally draining.


I know some guys do experience the feelings that we do. I just wish I could know how he feels. I guess it doesnt make a difference. Just sometimes need some reassurance that

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
In reply to: kmg6
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 3:54pm

sienna,


I'm so sorry I missed your post from yesterday. I had alot of running around to do. I'm glad you didnt call him. Hope you are doing better today.


I'll be your cyberbuddy anytime you need me too. If I cant respond it's cuz I'm at work or running around. I hope you'll help me too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 8:05pm

Caribu79,


You're exhibiting the drug addict syndrome!!! Not a criticism, just an observation. Let's say he let you know how much it meant to him, but the card said "it's over", in big bold letters. Will that be enough? No, because now he's given you a glimmer of hope! So you say to yourself, well if it meant something how can you be so cold, and let it die? See you contacted me, see see.....


Problem was, it wasn't really yours in the first place! I mean throw me frickin' bone here Scott, what's next hacking his aol account, bugging his telephone? There are scores of 18th Century novels about unrequited love, and heartbreak and they weren't affairs, just lost loves. In some cases the twit of a man leaves the beautiful heroine, only to come back later after sowing his oats in other fields, hoping to pick up where he left off, (you gotta love these metaphors).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: kmg6
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 11:05pm

Wow
Wow
Wow

I am floored. I needed to read this....Even tho you are a man and I am a women, are stories are very similar, I just got out before you did. If you need to know my story, its one of the first on roll call...
in a nutshell, i was lied to, I did not know i was in a A, and right after I did, i realized I was P.

I can relate to so many things in your post. My guy and your girl seem one in the same. U gave me so much insite and I am so thankful. He is broken, and I could not fix em, and even if he left her for me, he would cheat on me too.....I caught him with others before I knew he was married. He claimed they were friends...but they were not, they were the many before me, and there are already old and new after me. Perhaps, like you, I was his glimmer of hope too. He spent a lot of time with me, thus, the reason, I did not think he was married...and maybe I meant slightly more than the rest.

but all you said resonates so true.....thanks for your post. i had a great day and due to your post, while to caribou, it will get me thru tomorrow....he is unhappy and oh so needy and I could never fix that.

U touched me in so many ways...my goodness, thank you. i cant say it enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
In reply to: kmg6
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 11:16pm

Pause,


Your post has really caused me to think. This knowledge has come to me sporadically at different points throughtout this fog of emotions. but to see it all typed out has really opened my eyes.


Here's my problem, and actually yours as well:


If she got down on bended knees and begged forgiveness; told me I was the love of her life; promised eternal faithfulness etc. what's she got to back it up? I don't believe anything she says anymore, and the worst part is this; when she lies on the bed with me, (lies, now that's funny),

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: kmg6
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 12:24am

>Ladies if you genuinely want to break it off, e-mail him a hundred times, call him, don't leave him alone.
See how that goes over! He'll probably run a mile.<


*slapping forehead*....Damn...I KNEW this!


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 2:14am

'If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.'


I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 9:11am

Pause,

I'm sorry I missed this post yesterday because it needs a big'ol thumbs up. I had to deal with my truck hitting a tree/insurance company/finding a way into work, etc. Yesterday sucked. ;-)

Anyway, you are a great writer and I was immersed in everything you said. I had no idea the pain you've endured due to the selfish actions of another. I sincerely hope you do hang around and share your words of wisdom with others on this board. Many gals here need to start recognizing the other side of the coin, so to speak. They need to fess up to their misbehavior and start holding themselves accountable. It always rips me up when I hear that there is a loving, caring, H at home while they are "getting their yayas off" in the back seat of some man's car, etc. Sorry ladies for being crude here, but it is what it is.

Congrats on the 3 weeks of NC. If I read correctly, you tried ending it before and went NC then, but apparently fell off the wagon, yes? Hey, it happens around here a lot. I am just glad you are back posting again, giving the gals here the "inside" from the "other-side." ;-) The information you are providing is invaluable, IMO. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and acquired wisdom. We need more of this around here.

I hope you won't mind, but I am cutting and pasting your post into our Healing Library. It's a keeper for all time and needs to go into the EAS annals of "Wisdom and Insights." I wish for you continued strength to keep walking away from this emotional nightmare. Real love is not supposed to rip us to shreds and leave us bleeding on the side of the road.

((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 11:46am

Ladies, you flatter me with your compliments!


And now we return for the second part of Days of Our Lives:


First to address the bit about getting down on bended knees.....


Do you know why she or in your cases he won't do that? Well primarily because they are not built that way. I suspect that most of us here are typically more sensitive than average. We thrive on little gestures, and enjoy giving, more than receiving. We probably wear our hearts on our sleeves, and all of us have paid the price for that. What we see as worth fighting for,

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