why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
why?
85
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 8:05pm

do we offer so much....and accept so little?


God, I'm in pain.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 2:51am

Pause - I attempted to read through all your posts before I replied, but they were so "HONEST" and powerful, I had to chime in here! You are so right on so many levels and I do really appreciate your bluntness and honesty. I don't think your were too abrasive in your approach; just very realistic.

I am sorry for your pain and misfortune but you have given some very positive insight to all this. I am female, but agree with most, if not all, of what you said. They always remember those who were good to them. That I can reassure everyone.

I also agree with the analogy of being a doormat, but we don't have to go out kicking and screaming to get our point across. When I first broke things off with AP (after finding out he was M), I explained how I felt about him but how I also felt about the situation. I told him that it was needless behavior and how he had missed what was in front of him. I told him I would not go out screaming and cursing, but I would leave with my dignity. (I really believed I did at the time.) I told him I would not be bitter but stronger....I really believed that at the time too.

Please keep posting, Pause. You are an incredible writer. I look forward to reading more.

Good luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 8:37am
Pause,
let me know when u r up n about, got sum positive things to ask, wanna hear ur thoughts on some things...wanna be here if u need me too. Please let me know. Tellmeabout ur night too. Here like issue I would be here... Let's try to make it a good one.... :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 11:49am

I am up and about.


I have been up and about since 4 am.


I am hiding from everyone, my parents, my friends, her.


I am listening to sad songs on youtube.


All this

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 12:42pm

Pause - Good morning and Merry Christmas. I know you are hurting. I hear it in your posts. Trust me...I want to just reach out and hold you. I want us to cry if we want to. I want us to talk to each other without feeling judged. I want to feel secure and trusted. I want you to kick and scream (at me) if you need to. Oh, I so want to make this better for you, even if for the moment.

I agree with many of the others. YOU ARE truly an amazing man! I know it's hard to fully embrace our greatness in the midst of our pain, but we can do this. One minute of feeling good, will lead to two and then to three... and so on. The next thing we know it, we'll be up to an hour, a day, a week, etc.... I am writing the words and just need to believe it myself.

I, too, am hurting a great deal today, but am with my family and there is no avoiding it. None of my family and friends know my situation, so "hiding" from them won't work today. In actuality, it will make it worse. It will have them contact me and question why I am not at Christmas. It is the hardest thing for me today, but I have to do it.

In reading your last post about being there and "comforting" her no matter what, a tear swelled up in my eyes. I can completely relate. Some day, IF and when, you are comfortable, I would like to hear your story (perhaps one on one). I have shared bits and pieces of my story here, but like you, I have not shared my entire story. If you are uncomfortable with sharing personal information, maybe you can create a generic Yahoo email address with "No Name" as the first and last name and send me a private email just venting. I journal quite a bit but sometimes it's more comforting to know that someone is on the receiving end.

I will have my phone with me all day and will be able to respond to any emails or posts. PLEASE...PLEASE...keep posting. You're words are inspiring and your will is much stronger than you think. When I am weak (which is more often than not), I pull up what you've shared and it gets me through another minute. I do my best not to think of him and his family. It pains me beyond belief.

I recall all the things you said about her "character" and who she is, but nonetheless, you still have a place in your heart for her. I TOTALLY get it. I am right there with you. I came across this song the other day and I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry.

"She Gets What I Deserve"

"She doesn't know me by name
But I know everything about her
She likes to work in her rose garden
And vacation in New Hampshire

She gets him every holiday
And every Sunday afternoon
By 8, she tucks his babies in
I know she loves him like I do
And I wanted to call her so many times
But I never found the nerve
She gets what I deserve
Oooh, yeah

It's not the way that I planned
Just the right man, the wrong time
Even the moments he's holdin' me
I know he's not really mine
When I appear into the windows of the home
I'm torn apart
I can't help but wonder
Whatever happened to my heart
Such an uninvited lesson
I never meant to learn
She gets what I deserve

I can't whitewash my excuses
I can't cover up the stain
I can't give back what I've taken
I should be the one to bare the pain
I just pray that God forgives me
For what I've done to her
She gets what I deserve
She gets what I deserve"

The thing is that I did not go into this knowing he was M. I left when I found out, but after a year of NC, I found myself back where I didn't want to be. I kept thinking/hoping he was on his way out, but after discovering some interesting information, I've realized that is not the case. Therefore, I know I need to get out.

Hugs to you, Pause, and everyone else. I know we are hurting...but please be here for each other. You are my only outlet and what keeps me going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 12:51pm

hey,
yeah there is nothing like the love of a pet. i woke up for the kids and watched them open there presents...smiled. actually enjoyed them for a min. when that was over, i went back to sleep. i am just now waking up. i am thinking i am halfway thru the day today.

your choice, but try not to avoid everyone....unless you have some good reasons. they are your fam and i am sure they worry, as I do.

happy you hit me back, i am ok today, just ok, looking forward to it being over. santas spirit never came and soon there will be no need for him to come around.

my thoughts of him with his W and his kids all happy around a xmas tree, hit me hard for a moment, but then i pulled it together. i happpen to know his mom is in town, she never knows of me, never knew i was pregnant, etc...I gave them a happy xmas by removing myself from the situation. that tie was severed. he talked about me meeting his mom since she was going to be here, this was after i knew about him being M, that was just talk i am sure.....esp since he had already told me about her before i knew he was M. Again, talk....a lot of talk. but it could not help but hang out of my mind.

i am fascinated with how one can lie so naturally...i mean like its the actual truth. Today is 3 weeks no contact, unless you count some cyberstalking. which i completely stopped as soon as i was told it was still contact. mine was limited...but i am still proud of my three weeks. I want to call at times, but I really have nothing to say. Wish i did not even know his number etc...the urge to call him is rare. its usually when i have some venting about something...but i know from this board that would just be bad, bad, bad, so i kinda stany away. there was a time during these three weeks that i wondered if i would hear from him....and i was sad that i had not, i was going to ignore but i longed so badly for him to fish. i kept thinkin, did he care, was any of it real, was it all a lie?

then i realized the answers do not matter at all. I wanted some validation. but i realized that had to come from me, not him

he is so much like your MW. It was like reading about him. u gave me so much insight.

tell me how you are doing, share your story if you feel up to it. talk to me off the baords if you want. I am not sure if you know mine, they seem similar, except u seem to have been in it a lot longer. sorry to remind you of the little i know.

tell me some of the songs on youtube.....songs save me. got any tell you off songs? song to empower you?plenty of sad ones, i listened to the one you posted.

talk to me.....come on we are halfway thru it....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 1:22pm

Call her don't call her. E-mail her don't e-mail her.


Drink, don't drink. Drink and e-mail her. Drunk dial, drunk e-mail. Don't drink and don't e-mail. Drink and don't call.


Pull your fingernails out one at a time with a pair of pliers. Take the phone out of the wall. Block the number. Drink, unblock the number. Answer the phone, don't answer the phone. Hide the phone, eat something, anything, plug the phone back in.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 1:48pm

Yup I have been there.....I am no longer there though. I still have bad days but b/c I have a real life with a H, kids, etc....I just could not wallow in my pain while they were around. I had to get my act togehter and I did. It can be done, although I hurt deeply inside.


Ok, you are a creative writer. I love writers. I love people who can express themselves so well. Lucky for you. Most people can not even understand what they are feeling inside of themselves. You can....can be good and bad. I think good. This will help you begin to understand yourself so you never, ever get yourself into a situation like this again.


Today there is an excuse for you to be down, sad, mad etc...but what about tomorrow when it is just a normal day? You have to dig deep into your soul and find that piece of you that is just so much bigger than all of this. I know it is in there. The future is yours....you make of it what you want. If you want to be miserable you will be miserable. Not everything in life goes the way we want it to. There probably is a reason for that. Life is weird that way, but start to understand that as truth. It is my truth.


Hey did you like my gift????

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 2:28pm

My Darling,


Today is that special day, that for me begins after you have shared presents with your family.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 3:01pm

Where does the courage come from to see a race to its end?


I don't know the answers. Like you I am drawing strength from everybody here. I am facing the loss in a way I don't understand. If I write, I can get through another minute, or another hour. I doubt I will speak to anyone today. I will celebrate Christmas by myself,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 3:31pm

Maybe I'm a cynic, but I don't think these experiences make us stronger.

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