why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
why?
85
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 8:05pm

do we offer so much....and accept so little?


God, I'm in pain.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 3:51pm

kmg6


It's frightening how self-destructive we can be! I haven't reached that stage today; the rolled in the fetal position, no longer kidding myself I'm in control of any of this position. Perhaps, being in

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 4:45pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 5:11pm

kmg, pause

hell, we all feel like hell today.
pause. the outline of your day was captivating. as always. your words so vivid, you described me minus the drinking. thought i would get a email from him...you know, saying merry xmas, i was not expecting it, but thought it might possibly come

kmg, thankful for my kids, they keep me functioning,even if i do not want to.

pause. yeah i am all over the place, like my emotions...i slept again, thats twice on xmas day. was trying to watch a movie. not sure, usually he stops me from sleeping. he creeps in my mind and i chant and pray him away. the movie must have knocked me out. ok, over half way thru the day. i am having highs and lows.

i am trying to get thru, i dont drink, but i wish i did something to numb the pain, thanks for the song, i knew that one, good one.

obsessive checking my email is ridiculous since i have blocked him, i dont even know if it will tell him i blocked him, so i dont even know if has tried to reach out...doubt it, guess i would just like to think so.

everyone says he will come around....no sign of em, the everyone i am speaking of is everyone i ever knew that met him, that saw him interact with me, that heard him say he loved me, that saw him lie and lie...lie so well, they believed him too!! he was so damn good. Married n all. this guy is just plan
good...

do u think they even think of us...he claimed to even adore my kids...think he thinks of them? i guess these are stupid questions...but i guess i am looking for one of your insightful answers to get me past this today...perhaps i should not be leaning on your right now, i know your day is tough too

wish i could comfort you. wish i could. i meant everything i have ever posted about you, u r amazing and wonderful. and i know this is not much comfort to you now, but this is her loss, rarely does a man love like you, that kind of love can not be bought...no amount of money could, its so rare, i am sorry it was for the wrong W, but one day it wont be, and she will love u the same and give you all you deserve...but today, lets just get thru

its raining and ugly here, which does not make for a merry anything.....tell me what the weather islike there. tell me something....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 5:22pm

Self-destructive...where do I begin.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 5:37pm

I have run out of alcohol, Hell I have run out of everything. I wish she would fight for me. Fight for something for the first time in her life. The tears are running down my face.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 7:01pm

I Was told I was loved n always would be, the morning after the A, that A is not for affair. I told him I was done, to leave me alone, let me be. As I said it, I knew it was not what I wanted. But I knew it was best. I told him to leave me one, to block me, he did, n I did him. Those last moments I seen him hurt so bad, n I keep reliving them in my head. Over n over. He hugged me. I had just surgery, I didn't look pretty, but he hugged me, told me he loved me n that he always would. Hugged me really tight. Lies, that was a Friday. On Monday, after I caught him with another, I too was a crazy, stalker bitch, I was deranged n obsessed. I was thrown under the bus. Within 48 hours, I was $hit.

He left me nasty voicemails, sent me nasty emails calling me Pathetic. He called me pathetic countless times in a nasty vm. Even had the new, perhaps old n new again OW call me n leave me nasty vm's. It hurt cuz she knew alot to me, she knew a lot about me. My age....but she doesn't know he is married. She said I was pathetic too.

This hurt me like I knife in my heart. One day I was loved, the next I was deranged n crazy n my body was recovering. I was so broken....never even called to check on me. Never tried to see if I was ok...physically anyway. The next time I heard from him after I saw him, it was attack after attack, first from him, then her....

As he lied n lied, I never dogged him to anyone, even tho he hurt n deceived me, I never dogged him. I never let my friends bad mouth him. Never. But he turned on me so fast. So quick, that love, that big, huge amount of love, it was gone, gone. Now I was just another one of many he toted with, happy to be rid of his child, the one he claimed to have wanted. Our time was short compared to others. But a lot happened. So much.

I am with u so sad, I am with u pause, I feel like dying today. Not cuz it's Xmas, cuz I am so hurt by what this man did to me in so little time.

N I should be better. 3 weeks nc, today is tough, 2morrow has to be better, I was doing progress, so I thought, I fell tonight... Tonight I fell. Help me please

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 7:46pm

I'm sorry everyone is


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 11:22pm

Siennajaden


I am sorry. I don't know what else to say. I wish there was a way I could help you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 11:27pm

Oh Sienna... I've been meaning to reply to you in all this also. My heart really goes out to you. I can hear your pain. I am sorry I did not write earlier as I have been with family and am now just getting away.

I am having a strong and sympathetic moment. I am thankful for moments like this as they remind me of all the good things in my life. But I am really hurt by all this. How did I let myself get back here? Why was I so blinded for so long? I really started to believe that he cared about me. Honestly... when I was with him, things were amazing. I know many of you will say something like, "Of course, they were amazing. They were temporary. He was M and you really didn't know him." I cannot completely refute this statement...I just don't know.

But for once this year, he has not wished me a Merry Christmas on Christmas day. It is breaking my heart. We were just together recently and it was an incredible evening. I wonder/think he is finally trying to work things out with him wife. I think he has finally realized that his children are everything and wants nothing more to do with me. He has said nothing to me of this sort, but since he has returned home over the past couple of days, contact has been VERY few and far between... if at all.

I wonder how a woman could be so naive to what her H is doing, especially the way he does things. I am beside myself. I relate to something Pause said in one of his posts, that he wants to cause a pile up on the freeway. I know that pain.

I really want you to pull strength from all this, Sienna; one of us has to. You sound so much stronger than me. Good for you. I will continue to be your cheerleader as I cannot be mine. I am undeserving for all that I've done. I've let him back in. I've hurt myself. I've given my heart to someone who is undeserving and I don't know how to get it back. I've hurt another family and yet my heart still longs for him. He loves his W and I was "nothing" for the past several years. Why didn't I stay away after breaking things over over a year ago? Why has his behavior changed from what it used to be?

Like others, I am so sorry to ramble on and on. Hang in there, Sienna. I am happy to chat off the board if you are at all interested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 11:54pm

Pause - I wish you well in your sleep tonight. I know things have been very tough for you. It pains me to hear you talk about shutting people out, but I am really glad you are here. I started a post myself on OW/SW but have now re-directed my comments and posts here. I know how you feel. I know what it's like to love someone so much and yet despise what they have done. It's an awful position to be in.

I love(d) him. I accepted him. I made time for him. I STILL love him. I honestly believed that one day we would be together. He is M. He has kids. He buys his W nice things. What do I have? A broken heart. I am not married and I have no kids; and I so want them both so bad. I not only imagined him as a lifetime partner but an incredible dad. I truly believed that was a life I wanted. And you are right? How do they 'lie' the way they do? How do they live the lives that they do? I ask these questions and know that I may never get them.

I will never tell you to "just get over it". I hate that the most. I want to validate your feelings. I want you to know that I know you were in it for love. I was too. I traveled with him. I loved him. I understood him or at least did my best to. I never tried to smother him. I never made unreasonable demands. I truly made love with him every time I laid down with him. It was never just an "f".

I want to hear that he doesn't love me. I want to hear that our time together was all a lie. I think to some degree it will help me in NC. To know that he doesn't give a damn about me will give me back a little dignity to stay away from someone who "wants" me to stay away. I know either way this will hurt like hell, but I am not "strong" enough to stop loving him. I have done NC before and am sure I can do it again. I am not sure that is as challenging as the love in my heart for him.

Please don't bash me or him. I am not so strong right now.

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