Why am I so afraid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Why am I so afraid?
5
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 2:03pm
It seems so strange that now that I think I can do this I am scared. It seems I can let xmm go and looks like H is trying but now I am just petrified. As I let go of this crutch and accept responsibility I am hesitating. I am hoping this is just like standing on the high dive taking a deep breath before I jump. I am not usually afraid. I moved my whole family to take on a job with more responsibility and I make hard decisions at work every day so why do I have this much fear? I went to T all last year but my therapist didn't seem to help much. It seems like I am right on the verge of getting everything back on track, so why do I feel frozen? All I need to do is let go of this and move forward. Any thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 2:55pm

As a person with a lot of job responsibility, consciously or sub-consciously you're aware of the demand that you place upon yourself to make the right decisions the first time, both for yourself and your sub-ordinate's benefit.


That "gotta get it right the first time or else I fail" mentality is carrying over to your personal life. Up to now you've used the affair as a crutch, a fall-back if things weren't right within your marriage. Now there is no crutch. Only a perception that you may make a mistake and "you're not allowed to make a mistake" sub-conscious message floating up into your conscious.


There may be more issues within your marriage that still need to be addressed before those anxirty feelings disappear. As you know from your business experience, the best defense is an offense and in this situation it means stepping into your fears, willing yourself to go forward and succeed, maintaining your self-confidence and knowing you will be OK on the other side of the fear. Our worst fears are the ones we make up in our heads.......


It only took me 17 years of affairs to finally face my fears and go it alone. Sounds like you're doing it a sooner than I did. Kudoes to you for being a fast learner.....


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 5:50pm
cl - I have always been afraid of making a mistake, looking stupid and asking for help. When I used to play catch with my dad I would apologize every time I dropped the ball. Nothing he did, but I always wanted to be perfect. This whole A has made me feel that I am just like everyone else, human, and that is OK! I know that courage is not, not feeling afraid but doing something even when you are afraid. I have also struggled in my new job, having to learn that it is OK to ask for help, and it is OK not to know everything. It has been the roughtest 6 months of my life. Having to keep it secret means no one knows what you are going through, just when you could use help the most. The one person who I have felt so close to is the one who I cannot talk to.....Thanks for your encouragement
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:02pm

You're welcome. And you're a normal person. And the sun's gonna come up tomorrow, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar.....


I found that as I accepted that it is OK to ask questions, ask for help and forgive myself for making a mistake, that my life became a lot calmer. And I believe you will find this to be true also.


Although my personal ethic is to perform my work to the best of my ability, I also every now and then remember something that the teacher of the CPA test review course told us 28 years ago: "When you have passed the CPA exam and you're out in the real world, nobody's going to ask you what your score was on the exam. They (the public) only want to know if you are a CPA. 400 is a perfect test. 300 is passing. No one in business tracks your score in between those two parameters. Do your best, work hard, play harder. Have a life. You'll still be a CPA."


I pass this little bit of trivia on to you as a not so subtle nudge to go easier on yourself. Your dad wanted to play catch with you. He was there to teach and spend time with you. He had fun. So did you. And after all these years I'll bet he doesn't remember how many times you dropped the ball on any given day.


You don't have to keep any secrets about your job struggles from your husband. Talk to him. Share with him what you're going through. Tell him you're human and afraid of failing. Ask for his emotional support. That's one of the reasons you married him (it was in the fine print).........you'll open another door to being closer to your husband.


Which is what you want isn't it? Being close and connected with the love of your life?


cl-nre


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 8:54pm
I am trying to cut myself some slack. My H and I used to be really close and then he got so depressed he started sleeping when he wasn't at work. I couldn't deal with it anymore and I began spending all my time at work, where I met xmm. My whole family was suffering. Just found out this week that H has a lot of physical problems that are causing all this and I may just get my old H back! He is lucky to still be alive and looking back I wish I would have been stronger and dealt with those issues. There I go again, but I learned a lot. I got the book "Mars and Venus Together Forever" by John Gray, MD the same guy who wrote "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", I started sharing a lot of it with H and it helped immediately. I noticed right away that the way I communicated with xmm was what I needed to be doing with H. And that xmm knew how to relate to women in the ways my husband didn't. I am sure that isn't a coincidence.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 10:39pm

Glad to read you and hubby are reconnecting. Hope his physical ailments heal quickly.


John Gray's books are helpful. I'm sure you'll gain great insight from them.


As it is now, xMM's history.......


Sounds like you'll make a speedy recovery, too. (There can be some benefits to a "type 1" personality) :-))))


Take care.....


cl-nre