Why am I so weak around him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2010
Why am I so weak around him?
7
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 5:43pm

This is my first time writing on this message board, let alone telling anyone that this has been going on. I have been having an affair with a younger man at work for the past 3 months. I haven't slept with him, but we flirt constantly, we kiss, we have met outside of work a few times and made out (with allot of touching# and we have tried a bit of oral sex in our office!! I have been with my husband for 19 years and have never thought I would EVER do this! I even think I have a pretty good marriage. Every week I try to stop myself # I tell him its over, I refrain from any flirting, I try not to be alone with him)

Addict in Recovery
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 6:17pm

Oh dear AIR,


Just keep reading through these boards and you will know why you need to stop this damaging behavior ASAP. The answers are all here, shared by and among all the women (and a few men) who have lived through their A's and are in the painful process of ending them now.


The only advice I can give directly is STOP, just STOP, before you get any more carried away. It sounds like he is playing games with you and is quite possibily just looking for a "cougar" experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 7:22pm

AIR, <------Take a deep breath ;-)


Welcome to EAS. I'm not sure if you have been reading for a while on this board, but scroll down to the healing library and you will find many answers to your questions. There is a thread called, "How to maintain LC at the Workplace. Be sure to read this one and start implementing the advice that is given there.


You are getting off on the attention, especially if he is younger than you. Not only does it make you feel younger, but it's nice to think a younger guy finds you attractive. The only problem with this thinking is that you could be ANYBODY that would be willing to go into the back room, or sneak away at lunch. You see, we think we are just "all that" because some guy wants us..but the truth of the matter is, he wants to fool around and needs to find someone/anyone to do it with. Ouch, yep...the truth hurts.


I hope you will find the strength to cut this off before it goes any further. If you keep reading here you will see all the pain and anguish these ladies/gents are feeling once an A comes to an end..and they all do eventually.


You'll stop when you are ready to stop. He can't talk you into anything you are not willing to do. The choice has always yours, AIR. I hope you decide that you are worth more than a few stolen feel goods and feel

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2010
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 8:40pm

I just wanted to echo what has been said to you..great advice. I can tell you that my

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2010
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 10:15pm
I am so glad that I found this board. Thank you so much for all your wisdom....it feels really good just to tell someone else. I am the kind of person who talks away my problems and this has been eating me alive! I could never tell a single soul. I value your insights and harshness....sorry your responses made me cry...but I know its true, he openly tells me about going out and getting other girls numbers at the bar. I feel guilty that I am a little jealous. The cycle is so overwhelming. He makes me feel high and he tells me that I make him feel the same. We have talked openly about stopping this behavior and it all seems good until one of us starts to feel a little insecure and then all it takes is a wink....we are back at square one. I can sometimes feel okay about the situation by telling myself that it's because I am curious and because I have been with my H since I was very young....maybe I need to explore...How do I know that I am not doing this because I have a bad M?? How can I justify my answers in my head so that I can get the strength that I need. I seriously feel like I am going crazy!
I am scared that if I ignore him, he will try harder for my attention ( which he has in the past) and then the situation easily gets out of control. I think about him and it makes my stomach queasy..... Is this the same cycle you guys have gone through??? Also is there somewhere I can decode all the abbreviations?? I am clueless?? Thanks!
Addict in Recovery
Addict in Recovery
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 1:51am

Besides the fact that you're doing yourself such harm playing around with anyone outside of your marriage, and doesn't matter what his age is, you're doing it at work. Do you really think you two are the only ones that know about this little A? Wrong wrong wrong! When you're in the fog that you seem to be in now, you can't possibly see or feel the eyes and ears around you.

All the feel goods you think you want and have are going to compromise you in the work place, and your reputation will be ruined. It doesn't matter if you're in a large or small office, "they" know!

With that said, you need to get completely out of this A NOW! You're playing with fire and your ap is using you over and over. He just wants a cheap thrill and any thrill he can get will do. You're special, but not to him. You're just available and he knows how to push the right buttons to get his buzz on.

It's time you take care of you! He's not going to do that, and in fact, when he's finished "playing", you will be not only hurt but left in the dust and will have no respect for yourself and will be alone.

Be smart! Get out! You can do this, and you can still work with him if that's a must. Read read read the board until you can't stand yourself anymore, and then turn it around and build yourself up so you feel good about you.

Am I being harsh? Yes!

I do hope you start feeling better about yourself and take back your power, as it's so important for your health. There is nothing good about what you're doing, so please focus on you and not on some JAM.

Hugs and take care of yourself,
Mish

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 7:12am

The list is in the HL, but I will paste here for quick review. Be sure to check out the Healing Library...you will find oodles of information there.



A – Affair


AP - Affair Partner


BF - Boyfriend


BFF - Best Friend Forever

BS - Betrayed Spouse

BIL - Brother-in-Law

BTW - By The Way

BTDT - Been There, Done That

CL - Community Leader

CM - Community Moderator

D- Divorce

D-Day - Discovery Day (day you discovered the affair)

DD - Dear Daughter

DH - Dear or Darling Husband

DS - Dear Son

DW - Dear or Darling Wife

DIL - Daughter-in-Law

DSD - Dear Stepdaughter

DSS - Dear Stepson

EA - Emotional Affair

EX - Exhusband or Exwife

FIL - Father-in-Law


FWIW - For What It's Worth

FYI - For Your Information

GF - Girlfriend

GMTA - Great Minds Think Alike


IMO - In My Opinion

IMHO - In My Honest/Humble Opinion


IC - Individual Counseling


IOW - In Other Words


ITM - In The Meantime

IRL - In Real Life

ITA - I Totally Agree

J/K - Just Kidding

JMHO - Just My Honest/Humble Opinion


JAM - Just A Man


KWIM - Know What I Mean


LC - Limited Contact


LD - Long Distance


LMAO - Laughing My A** Off

LOL - Laughing Out Loud

M -

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2010
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 2:12pm

Thank you....I am sure I will get the hang of this sooner or later. :)

Addict in Recovery
Addict in Recovery