why are men better at NC than women?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
why are men better at NC than women?
15
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 10:35am

Why is that? Or is it just my imagination? I get so wrapped up and obsessed about every detail and facet of my EMA, that NC is tougher than tough.

For me, personally, the two prior attempts to "end" or "take a break" from the affair were MM's idea, and I (sorry to admit it) was the one who initiated contact, and the affair continued. Now that I am the one broke it off, I feel it will stay broken off as long as I can hold out. That MM will make no attempt at contacting me. He just accepts it (and even if he's sad about it), and he moves on. Are we (women) wired that much differently than men?

Just curious.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 12:06pm

I'm not sure if they are better at it, or just better at hiding it. My xMM seemed to run the same gamut of emotions I did anytime we tried to end it. My biggest problem was over- thinking everything! He always told me how obsessed he was with me, and I know he had days when he couldn't function very well because of the roller coaster we were on. We were both pretty emotional by the time the end came.

So even though they may be sad, somehow they just accept the end better than we do. They are willing to be content, but not happy, in a M. No matter what they tell us.

Owl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 12:23pm

For me, it was just the opposite. I was always the one to break it off with him, and I still don't think he ever would have. I was always the one to initiate NC and he was always the one who broke it. I was/am really good at keeping NC as long as he sticks to it as well. Once he contacts me though, I always caved, figuring if he loves me so much that he can't stay away from me, it must mean something. Things are still no different now than they were the 1st time we started NC. Only now, I'm much better at not giving in to him. Don't do it! It will only cause you to start over with your pain, and inevitably, one of you will just break it off again. The rollercoaster sucks!! Stay off the ride! Good luck!!

Pal

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 8:28am

Birdie,

I feel exactly the same way and it makes it more difficult, doesn't it? My OM can set his mind to it and stick to it and I sit and wonder what he's doing, if he's thinking of me and whether he'll ever breakdown and call. He initiated the end to our A over three weeks ago and lo and behold, this past Friday, he left me three VM messages. I was in an all day off-site for work and didn't receive any of the calls, but it screwed me up big time. Just when I was beginning to accept (albeit sadly) this end and move on, his voice was back there on my phone saying that he would try me again at the beginning of this week. So here I am in work, hoping to hear from him yet knowing that I shouldn't accept the call if/when it does come.

Birdie/Ladies...please send me your strength. My T tells me that I should take the call and say "no". I don't trust myself. I think I need to let that phone ring and let it go to VM. Help...I'm nervous.

IG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 4:23pm

I do think women are different. I have so much trouble with the no contact thing as well but the man with whom I had an affair has no problem. Even worse, despite the fact that I know being in a relationship with him is not in my best interest, if he were to call me I have no doubt that I would not have the will power to not see or talk to him.

However, I don't think I will be hearing from him since my husband contacted his wife to tell her about us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 4:47pm

because men suck - with their compartmentalizing and ability to push feelings aside. they suck!

I'm feeling rather fiesty today! :p

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 11:19pm

Gee, I couldn't tell from your post that you're feeling feisty........


Not all men push their feelings aside, however most, even myself, compartmentalize alot as a means of coping with failure and pain......


jmhMALEo,


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 11:01am

cl-nre,

What exactly is "compartmentalizing"? I've seen it used quite often, and I know it's how males deal with a lot of things, but I guess I'm confused about what it really is. 'Cause maybe I'd sure like to try it to get over this whole affair mess.

Birdie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 12:39pm

owl, I totally agree with your comment: "So even though they may be sad, somehow they just accept the end better than we do. They are willing to be content, but not happy, in a M. No matter what they tell us."

My MM is not even content in his M, he complains continuously and is sometimes moody - but he stays and has no intention of leaving even though he was telling me otherwise in the earlier stages of our A. At least I'm not naive anymore. When I will manage to end this A he won't lift a finger to try to stop me. I know I'll have to suffer through this sooner or later, for him it just means he won't have his side dish anymore. Men suck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 1:18pm
Oh man, I sooooo think that men are better at NC than women are ... at least this woman. :) I am not good at it at all! Basically the only thing I think helps is staying busy; that way you don't think about him as much ... but yeah, you still think about him. Mmmm. :)
Avatar for kymemum
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 1:39pm

Yup men are better at NC, first they have a nack for putting off facing the fact that the woman they loved, wanted , desired just might be out there with another man, EGO thing, then to face the fact that they failed another faux pas.

This woman had NC for over 6 weeks, was so angry at him, but I still care about him, so I picked up the phone, asked to speak to him, just wanted him to know I care, even with the way everything ended between him and I after 4 and a half years, the truth, or as he sees it the truth finally came out.

I needed closure, to tell him to take care of himself and just to hear his voice, I could hear the pain in it, the missing me, the putting back his life, the failure in all he created.

Yes I was part of this, but I came clean the first week into the affair, and yup am guilty of partaking in it, but NC is the only way to go, hurts like hell.

Women feel with their hearts, they are loving caring nuturing humans, men protect, provide and hide their feelings, that is why we try to reach out to help heal and to make them understand we still care.

Still wil always hold a place in my heart for him after all that he has done, stupid me, nope! I forgive and there will be NC from this day forward.

I have found a new man, he will never be my XMM, but I am no longer in that damn closet.

Free at last
Kyme

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