Why are you ending it ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Why are you ending it ?
7
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 9:34pm
Im just wondering
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 10:35pm

Please refer to this thread for a very good overview of why to leave:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=26077.1&x=y

I was in a wonderful marriage ... this was about my inadequacies not my M. Seriously. I felt entitled and knew I could bank on my H's capacity to forgive me - that he would never be unkind or cruel when I told him. Which was true. In some ways if I had been in a crappy marriage I could have used that to justify my behavior, but nope, instead I realized just how screwed up our thinking can become and we can use anything and everything to rationalize our actions. Just because I had a happy M didn't mean I couldn't find reasons to resent my RL enough to feel entitled to cheat it.

While it didn't ruin my M (yet), it has led to a separation. I am grateful that he separated because I am now going to earn him in my life, and I am going to spend every living moment I have left on this planet righting this wrong. Separation allowed me the space to get my priorities straight and to appreciate what I had thrown away. I take nothing for granted now: clean water, a bed, electricity, a car, friends, flowers, my children ... it may seem silly, but after living through the ending of my A, I can see how un-well I had become that nothing in my life seemed good enough. Now, I can see what a relatively privileged life I have.

I also now see that it makes not one bit of difference whether or not my AP would leave their W. We are totally different people - fundamentally. He would have been disappointed in me too in a real life relationship.

We are not talking about two soul mates who by some cruel twist of fate married the wrong people, and found one another too late ... and now you have the chance to be finally truly happy.

Let go of the pipe dream. There is a reason why they are called Fairy Tales ...

Liv, (like all of us) you got some serious work to do.

Please start reading the Healing Library.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 5/24/2010 10:46 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2010
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 10:37pm

My life got stressful and I guess boring. I would reach out to H and he would pull away. I wore nighties to bed and he did not notice. Months went by. I started an EA online with exAP. He told me I was beautiful and sexy. The chats got hotter and steamier and at home I took a backseat to work and TV. I started a PA (without IC, but close). He started getting very clingy and saying he loved me. I told him he would meet some wonderful girl and he stated she would have to accept that I was part of his life (Tell me ladies-How many of you would stay if a potential boyfriend said that!)


I started reading post on MAS board and reading about D days. I realized I did not want a D day. I did not want anyone to get hurt especially H. He is a good and sweet man who loves me and is a good father.


I want my marriage. I want my H. I will never hurt him by confessing.


Day 2 NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 11:46pm

<<>>

Funny how many of us thought this was the real deal. Amazing the numbers of posters (me included) who actually thought we married the wrong person and xAP was there to save us, white horse and all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 7:15am

TU,


Your wisdom and insight continues to amaze me. You are a very wise and strong woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 2:56pm

<<

There were many things with XMM that made me cringe and I like TU, never would have married him but in the midst of an A, you say and do things that you would never do in your right mind. It takes awhile to get that "right mind" back. But once you do, you realize how you became a different person and the A should have ended much sooner than it did.>>>

Gosh, I seem to being doing a lot of copy and paste these days, but TU and GMLB, looking back this was me. I'm sure if the newbies read this and try with all their might, they will see them self as well.
I didn't have just one defining moment or reason to end the A. Basically, his personality was strange, it was wrong and I was risking a very nice life for what? xAP irritated me in many ways. I continued to feed his ego because doing so, fed mine. Validating him, validated me. I allowed xAP to get away with put downs and downright insults to me, all because he thought it was fun. He verbally hurt me often, but I looked the other way and pretended he wasn't bothering me. But like GMLB, I was wounded, knew it, but ignored it. GMLB, I too said many things in the heat of the affair and cringe when I think about it. I knew way deep down, I'd never marry him, but it was all part of keeping the affair alive. It created conversation and some heated emails from him demanding to know if I really would. (he never committed to me)
I learned from the affair that I had a tendency to be a doormat. I've since built up my self esteem and I have a tougher shell around me. Life is too short for this drama anyway! And there doesn't have to be a reason to end the affair - other than it is wrong, destructive and gut wrenching.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2010
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 3:54pm
I ended it today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2009
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 4:13pm

Let’s see;