Why can't beleive hes lied

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Why can't beleive hes lied
4
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 5:50pm
Why am I still refusing to see that he is lying that he is just the same as all the men talked about here. I can't understand why I can't be an adult and just let go.

Affair ended in November by him when wife found phone bill and realised it was still on going. This time, unlike the others when he been going to try, it's lasted more that a week or so, he has really, for him, been trying to make a go of things.

We were still friendly, still in limited contact and it was getting less and less and then Christmas he put a card through my door saying 'Thinking about you all day, every day' of course I was happy, I't helped me to know he still cared, we'd had NC for a fortnight, and then he texted Christmas Eve and Christmas Day telling me he was trying to forget me but couldn't, that he loved and missed me etc, etc. He popped by to see me and said he lies in bed next to his wife thinking about me and he knows it has to stop.

He said we'd see each other around, we live close.

I wanted to text New Years Eve but resisted but he texted me, I found out later it was wwhen his wife had walked out on him when he said they needed to talk!

I didn't reply to his text but sent one last Monday and just said 'thinking of you, do not expect a reply' (we'd agreed that if sometimes my feelings got to bad i could do that) he replied 'Still thinking of you but being in contact doesn't help'

That was all, I wouldn't of texted again for quite a while, I was starting to cope and accept that he was staying at home, I was starting to feel happier, just that occassion text, even with out reply made it OK. But he turned up the following night to make sure I hadn't thought he was meaning to be nasty with his reply. It was lovely to see him of course but I was very surprised.

We talked for a while (he didn't get out of his car) it was happy and friendly we joked and laughed and he told me he was really trying at home but things were far from right and he asked if I had met Mr Right yet, said I hadn't but I was sure gonna try. It was a lovely warm conversation between two people who meant a lot to each other who understood the situation that it could be no more, or so I thought. We texted a little when he got to work and once the next day, because I responded to text he sent after I had gone to bed, it was a funny message and I said if he was still alive at 95 and single I'd be 97 and not fussy to give me a call. He misread it and called that night while his wife was outside his work waiting to pick him up (I didn't expect that, I wouldn't of asked him to call not now, not when the affair is over) we chatted a bit all friendly and he said he'd be in touch, i assumed he meant he's send a card for my birthday this week.

Then late Saturday night I got a text saying 'When you meet your Mr Right make sure he deserves someone as special as you, Goodbye Ruth, love P xxx. I was so shocked, it almost took my breath away, it was so unexpected. I asked why and he said he couldn't see me anymore it was doing his head in.

After a few bitter sounding messages from me I asked why I wasn't even worth being friends with and he replied 'you know we could never be just friends' and that was that.

I don't understand I didn't want an affair anymore, I couldn't stand it and I never asked to see him. I just wanted to if we saw each other, as we are bound to, that we could smile and wave, as weve been doing up until now, and feel good at seeing each other, I love him and to a large degree understand his staying where he is (I am divorced and know how hard it is to leave even if you love someone else) but I thought we could at least salvage that from all this. We were teenage sweethearts and when we met again 25 years later the years just rolled away, the feelings were still there but better and it was familier and it felt right to both of us and we made love for the first time, we'd never quite got that far back then, and so it was special or was he lying, is he just like all the other men on this site? why can't I beleive that because if I could then I guess evntually I'd be glad it was over. I feel like I've lost him all over again.


Edited 1/12/2004 5:54:04 PM ET by natty536

Edited 1/12/2004 5:58:42 PM ET by natty536


Edited 1/12/2004 6:01:32 PM ET by natty536

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 6:19pm
Hi natty/Ruth....I lurk here and post occasionally even though I am not in an affair or ending one. I have a lot to say about the topic, however, and I am hoping to help someone, anyone who needs it. For you, I see nothing but pain in continuing the friendship with P. He keeps giving you a running commentary of his feelings...."I still have feelings"..."I am still thinking of you"...etc. What happens when he thinks about you LESS? Will he keep you apprised? I mean, isn't what you are doing a bit like playing the fiddle as the Titanic sinks? Do you really want to stand there and watch your affair disappear beneath the surf???

So, he has decided to end his own pain by eliminating you, at least for today. Perhaps next week he will get back in touch with you. But perhaps if he does, you should consider NOT responding, or asking him to please keep his word about no contact. You are divorced, and you can have any many you want. You don't need a married man. I think you need to move on now. I know it hurts a lot. But it is the best thing you can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 10:47pm
I know it's so hard but keeping up a "little" contact is like doing just a tiny bit of heroin. You just can't get over this thing until you break it off "cold turkey" as they say -- no contact really really does work.

I tried to end my 3 year affair 30 times and the only only thing that worked was NC. I started NC last Spring & it's almost a year over. I can honestly say I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.

It took a while -- it took a good 6 mos. before I really felt free of him. Really just stopped wanting to talk or check in. It was so hard not to at first but I stuck with it because I knew if I took even one step back -- an email, a drive-by, a walk through his neighborhood, a visit to a restaurant we both liked, a call, even a hang-up call, that I'd slide right back into the affair.

And that was not a happy place to be-- my new life, my freedom is so precious to me. I don't feel ashamed and guilty and like I'm someone to hide.

I feel so good about my life now. I know you can too.

I also found a very wonderful single guy who's completely available to me and sweet and loving. I had to be free of the affair to even see that guys like this were out there.

Please give it a try -- you deserve SO much more than this roller coaster and heartbreak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 12:18am
Hi natty,

Wow, what is it about these high school sweethearts?!? That's exactly what got me in trouble. I guess our situations are pretty different, though, in that my XMM lives in another state. We haven't actually seen each other in many years. We had what I would describe as an intense, emotional affair. Yes, it is amazing how comfortable that old, familiar love can feel. My XMM and I also had not "gone all the way" in high school, so we became almost obsessed with the idea of what that would have been or would be like. I know that we would have consummated our relationship, if only we had gotten the chance.

I agree with some of the others that his being in and out of your life can only bring you more heartache. At least you are single and have the opportunity to pursue other relationships. Maybe he will be single some day too, and then you can truly give your love a chance. Until then, I would try to steer clear of him. Why should he leave his wife when he can have both of you?!?

I'm sure you are/were special to him. I don't believe that every man who gets involved in an A is a complete jerk (it would be easier to hate them afterwards if that were true, wouldn't it??). I do still believe that my XMM is basically a decent guy. However, the timing was not right. I have come to believe that when one or both people involved are married, there cannot be a happy ending. I wish you all the best ~ mpjcmom

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 6:36pm
Thanks for your replies.

On Tuesday rushing around late for work I heard a horn beep outside and it was him (he's a bus driver and was on the route that goes right past my house) He's always done this during affair if on this route, but after telling me goodbye amd that we couldn't even be friends I couldn't beleive it, there he was smiling in at me.

I had asked him on Saturday, if it was finished, not even friends, to avoid going to and from work down my street (there is alternate route) as i couldn't bear to catch glances of him going past, I know he had no choice on the bus route but here he was making sure I knew he was there, as if nothing had happend. I got to work and saw that he had texted me about getting up earlier!

I felt so cross and a feeling I can't even think of a word to describe!

Last night daughter and I heard a noise, I was sat on the floor and daughter looked out the window to see his car. He had put a birthday card through the door, he saw my daughter and smiled and then waited just sat there in his car for ages. I stayed hid on the floor, guess he thought I'd go out to chat to him! I opened the card incase it upset me and ruined my birthday today it said

To Ruth, the most special person I have ever met, lots of love P.

This morning I got a text wishing me Happy birthday then a couple of hours later one saying "A thankyou would of been nice, just because I said I didn't want to see you i didn't say I dont care, but if thats how you feel so be it" Then couple of hours after that "you've made me sad you've not answered but I understand, if you change your mind no text after 4.45 love P (he'd be home by then with his wife!) and finally one at 4.45 saying "At least your son is talking to me", my son is also a driver, even on the same route!

I haven't answered, i have no credit on my phone, my daughter who is 21 has my top up card and wont give it back so that I cant answer! I feel mean, I don't know why. He hurt me so much on Saturday saying goodbye not once but twice, it wasn't just we cant actually meet but will keep in touch, it was goodbye, we both speak the same language so how does that word mean different things to us?

I feel angry after sitting here my head in my arms and sobbing Saturday night, then him acting as if it was all ok on Tuesday, cross that I am suppose to be grateful for a birthday card with words, that if they were true would mean he would be here with me and not back at home. I feel I can't trust him even as a friend now, I can't be at his beck and call.

I long to answer his messages but I'm not going to, I hope I'm strong enough. I don't know how his wife does it (she has forgiven him the four times she has found out about us) He's lost my trust, how does she live with him. I love him to bits but I have to get out of this.

If he doesn't want me he has to leave me alone if does want me he has to divorce or it's over for good. Famous last words?