Why can't the blame EVER be with the BS?
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| Sun, 11-21-2004 - 4:29pm |
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've lurked the BS board, and even seen it posted on the other boards. "Don't blame your spouses affair on yourself. It's all him." Well, in some, maybe even MOST cases this is probably true. But I have lived some experiences where I totally disagree. First off, if you remember me saying before, my xH had an affair. This is a man who would've kissed the ground I walked on and had never in his life done anything to hurt me. He loved me with all his heart, and I did nothing but take him for granted. He was kind of a pushover, and I definately pushed him over. I was downright mean to him sometimes. I chipped away at every bit of love he ever gave me, and I never let him know I loved him. I remember telling him that I didn't want to hear about his day, I never let him hug me or be affectionate with me, I ranted and raved about all the piddly little things that he didn't do, and when he tried to tell me he was unhappy, I refused to listen. I told him if he's so unhappy, leave. He wasn't out to look for an affair. She just happen to be there, and really cared about him. He fell in love with her right under my nose. How could I not blame myself? I totally believe that his affair WAS my fault. I know it never would've happened had I ever showed him I loved him. We have been divorced now for 2 years and he just married his "OW" This is one case that I think will work. As mad and hurt as I was back then, I now see that he deserved better than what I gave him. She loves him and treats him (and our children) very well. I am very happy for them both, and I've learned so much about myself since it all happened. I'm a different person now.
My dad just left my x-stepmom for "OW". They are getting married in March. Again, this is a case where she had NO respect for my dad, and was very abusive to my sister and I when we were young. She is very sneaky and vindictive and steps on hearts for fun it seems. My dad treated her like a queen until he just gave up. Again, I blame my x-stepmom for his affair.
Now, with my xMM, I'm his first ever A. I know, and was/am friends with his W. I've seen how she treats him, pokes at him, irritates him, blows up at him in front of family or friends, embarrases him and disrespects him. I see a LOT of the same qualities in her that I had when I was with my xH. Before my A with xMM started, I even mentioned to her that she should be nicer to him, he's good to her. ( at that time I had nothing but a frinedship with him, and didn't want to step on her toes.)
What I guess I'm rambling about is that I think our OP deserves a little credit, and not necessarily all the blame. I believe there is only so much hurt a person can endure before love slowly dissapates. It doesn't mean that our Ap shouldn't step up to the plate and leave if they are unhappy, but I still believe that someone CAN just slip into an affair and I also believe that the blame CAN be placed on the BS. I have always believed I was to blame in my xH's case. Now I thank him for making me see the light.
I'm sorry this is so long. I guess I felt the need to defend our xMM for some reason today. (too much lurking the other boards I guess.) Hope I don't get ragged on for this one. (Maybe I should've posted on the AS board?) I just like you all so much here. :) Does ANYONE agree with me on this??

Pal
To a point I may agree, but only to a point, I agree that the B/S can create the conditions that will make it easier for the WS to find comfort outside the marriage the same way the IRS encourages tax cheating by it's heavy handed approach to dealing with the tax payer, BUT it does not make tax cheating the right thing to do, there are legit ways of doing tax avoidence that are legal like wise there are legit and proper ways of dealing with a truly bad spouse, THERE ARE RIGHT WAYS AND THERE ARE WRONG WAYS TO DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING it is up to us all to choose the right ways to deal with the problems in life, more often then not chooseing the wrong way will just bring more problems into your life.
Do you think you learned your nasty wife ways from your xstepmom ??
I agree with both of
Loved the list: Mutual respect. Clear communication. Kindness given. Emotional safety. Best friends. Continuing courtship.
As to your question about placing blame on the BS, I think each case is different. My XMM has a wife who constantly nags him in public--and is known to do so at home as well. But for me, my H wasn't a pain at all. He is very good to me. I was vulnerable to the lure of the A because of something going on at the time in our marriage, and unfortunately got sucked in for four years, even after the short problem had passed. So for me, I have no excuse and no way to blame my H. My XMM does, but at this point, that's his problem :-)
Sorry I have been away so long--I try to keep up with the posts, but haven't had time to reply much. I wish you all a great week with lots of strength and lots of love for who you are :-)
Meg
I agree completely. I know that my XMM has been harrassed, belittled and disrespected by his W. He was (and still is) missing unconditional love and respect. I gave him that and he treated me the same. Now I am waiting (5 months) for him to make a decision. After I ended the A in June he became ill and had to be rushed to the hospital (dehydration, low blood pressure, etc.) Since August his W has known about the A. Last week she finally learned the truth about the length and strength of our A. He finally told her that he loves me. (For those of you who don't know it was 5 1/2 years and truly a love affair). Anyway, I pray that he is well and the W is not being too hostile, but in the end it's his decision whether or not he leaves her. I made mine. I am feeling like myself again, happy and optimistic. I haven't had those feelings in years! If it works out, super; if not, I'll be just fine. God's will.
Have a good day all!
maria
PAl I agree.. I have been lurking too.. an very busy..an well fell off wagon an so on.. but trying to get mine worked back out so kind of lost as to where i belong now on the EA or A boards I dont know.. Saw him on national tv this was kind of hard.. anyhow I just wanted to say I agree.. its 6 of one an half a dozen of teh other SOMETIMES an like Daf was told if both people arent willing to make it work then its time to get out..
ok enough babbling
KRM
Sorry, I totally disagree with you! Any person who feels they are unloved, mistreated etc should leave their relationship. Why stay and sneak behind the spouse's back? Just leave. What is the point of hiding a relationship?
What I am saying is that the person who cheated had low self esteem to begin with and not much self confidence to stick up for themselves in the first place. They let their spouse treat them the way they were treated and then justify that as the reason they cheated. Either way it is wrong to cheat and not fair to both parties. The dh or dh has no choice in what is going on...that is unfair yet, the cheating spouse and other person are fully aware. It is wrong. No one makes you have an affair or be in an affair...it is a choice.
I agree with Midon - having an affair is selfish - leave the relationship/get a divorce -then go on out and face the risks in the brave new world!!! The other partner is also free to find someone they deserve.
Edited 11/24/2004 12:29 am ET ET by icuriousone