Why Can't I Forget Him!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Why Can't I Forget Him!?
18
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 9:22am
I am new to this and don't know where to begin. I havn't told anyone about this, so talking to people I don't know gives me an opportunity to get this off my chest after a year. I have been married for 27 years....yes 27 years. I have never been unfaithful to my husband. We recently moved, and added on to the home we are currently living in. I communicated almost daily with, (I'll call him John), about plans for out new septic system. He was very friendly and always complimented me on my energetic personality, he made me feel good about myself. We instantly became friends. I looked forward to meeting with him at the property mentioned to go over details of the septic system. At this point I was honestly looking for a friendship with him and nothing more. Our meeting went well and we just clicked. What a nice guy!! The feeling was apparently mutual and I started receiving emails from him on a more personal note, like asking me to lunch. I even discussed it with my husband who had also met him, and liked him. He told me I should go to lunch with him, even though he did add that he believed that John had a crush on me, which I totally denied and disregarded (wished I hadn't). So I did have lunch with him, which led to many lunches, even at my home and then at his. My effection for him grew from friendship to something much more even though I kept telling myself I could control it and it would lead to nothing. I remember the first kiss and how I thought I would melt. My God the passion I felt for this man, I couldn't deny or stop feeling it. He is also married (16 years), and felt the same, or so he said. Several times I tried to break it off before it got too far, knowing it was wrong and feeling tremendous guilt, but he would always make it seem right and meant to be. We had seen each other for 3 months, (no sex, just kissing and touching), when his wife found an email he had sent me. She was devastated, angry and felt betrayed, I don't blame her. He called me the next day and explained what happened. Said we should put time between ourselves to let the steam rise. I was going crazy to see him and wondered why he didn't feel the same. I eventually emailed him at work and told him I did not want to see him anymore and not to email me. I havn't heard from him since. I live in a small community now and I have seen him a few times in his truck and once at a nearby Wal-mart, where he passed right by me not speaking and then 2 minutes later came up to me to say Hi.....acting as though nothing had happened. It has been a year and I can't shake this feeling of love I have for this person. He is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed, and I never even had a sexual relationship with him. Why can't I get over him, when it seemed so easy for him to get over me? I wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone, he persistently pursued me unknowingly until I gave in thinking it was just a friendship and I got hooked. It makes me wonder if the thrill for him was in the pursuing and once he caught his bait, he wasn't interested? I just want these feelings I have for him to end, apparently he has gone on with his life, but I can't.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 3:54pm
It's hard to get over something like that, especially in a small town where you see "reminders." I can't tell you how many things still remind me of my man.. even though,the affair happened in one city. And our homes are VERY far apart. Certain songs... certain..movies. It's tough. I won't lie.

It may never go away completely...I'm sure he still thinks about you also. Don't feel foolish for being stuck on him. You made a connection with another human being. You still long for that special close feeling that you had with him. However, you also know that it was never ment to be, and that if it had continued more people would have been hurt. It's best the way things are. So leave it alone. Indulge yourself in fantasy from time to time, but know it's best the way things are!

Chin up! Katja

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 8:49pm
Hello!

I know how you feel because I am in a similar boat. I am writing to tell you that it probably was not easy for him to "get on with his life". You have no idea what his home life was like after his W found that email.

My affair ground to a slow death after his MOTHER saw us together. She told his father who told the W... It was an awful time for him. And me! She followed him in her car, kept calling me at home and came to my office one day to tell me how happily married they were. The point is, years later she still doesn't trust him to have a cell phone.

I recently reconnected (by phone) with my MM after 12 years since we were together; 5 years since we last spoke. I felt that it was important for me to tell him that I still thought about him. Frog in my throat and all! He said "thank you for that. You would be surprised how often I think of you too".

So my point is, we can project that they are happy happy happy but he probably ignored you at the Wal-Mart because she was close by. 2 minutes later she was probably in the small appliance aisle and he had time to say hello. Besides, your post said that you asked him to not write or call. He is a gentleman for honoring that request!

I think when an affair ends for any reason other than incompatibility, there is always a feeling of loss that doesn't go away.

Be happy with your successful marriage. Enjoy your new home. Pick a room to redecorate. That is a good project to keep your mind busy.

aquagirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 9:45pm
Taken from "Addiction and Recovery" pamphlet from SLAA, copyright 1990

Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction:

-having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and /or emotionally attached to people without knowing them

-we confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued

-we become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies

-we assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our expectations

-fearing abandonement and lonliness we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships, concealing our depoendency needs from from ourselfves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves and God.

Sound like you?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 1:22am
Sparkle.........May I ask what does the acronym SLAA stand for?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 2:49am

SLAA is Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 1:14pm
Thanks aquagirl,

hope things will get better for the both of us.

ivlakegal

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 1:18pm
Thanks Katja

Thank you for the inspirational letter. You are a very sweet person and believe me I am tryyying to take your advice. Hope things are going well for you too!

ivlakegal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 2:19pm
First of all welcome to the board!!! I haven't read any of the responses to your post yet, but I am sure you have already gotten alot of advice and support. This board is a lifesaver when it comes to dealing with all of the emotions that an affair, and subsequently the ending of an affair, brings. I want to congratulate you for not letting things go farther than they did. That is a big step when you feel such an attraction to someone, and you should be proud of the fact that you were able to resist getting deeper physically involved. As far as why it is so easy for him, it may not be. I once asked my OM the same question. He seemed to move on with such ease and I was heartbroken. He said it wasn't easy, just necessary. Different people deal with it in different ways. He may be just as sad as you are, but won't let it show. But life has to go on, and you can get on with yours as well as him getting on with his. It hurts, it really does suck (I was depressed for two months after my final ending) but it does get better...you will hear alot about no contact and even though you live in a town where you may bump into him, no contact is the way to go if at all possible.

Good luck to you and keep posting!!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 10:28am
Thanks Karry for your very supportive letter. After a year of keeping this to myself in fear of being judged by friends or family it is wonderful to be able to express your feelings of guilt without being judged. I just feel alot of anger at this point and am finding it hard to suppress. Not quite sure why other than the feeling of being used, and dumped? Anyway, I'm sure it will pass, the depression has gotten better, I just still have those "days" that seem like they will never end. Hope things are happy for you......thanks to everyone for all their support and advice........BE HAPPY!

ivlakegal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:53pm
Isn't it a relief to be able to come here and get out all of the feelings you have to hold in? This board is an emotional life savior!! I don't know if the anger ever completely goes away. For me that was a good thing because it kept me from running back to the OM for the millionth time. I guess to finally set me free he had to be cruel, it worked, I know that whatever it was that we had is definetely over and done with. Your right though, just like the depression, the other emotions will lessen with time!! Take good care of yourself!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

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