Why Can't I Forget Him!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Why Can't I Forget Him!?
18
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 9:22am
I am new to this and don't know where to begin. I havn't told anyone about this, so talking to people I don't know gives me an opportunity to get this off my chest after a year. I have been married for 27 years....yes 27 years. I have never been unfaithful to my husband. We recently moved, and added on to the home we are currently living in. I communicated almost daily with, (I'll call him John), about plans for out new septic system. He was very friendly and always complimented me on my energetic personality, he made me feel good about myself. We instantly became friends. I looked forward to meeting with him at the property mentioned to go over details of the septic system. At this point I was honestly looking for a friendship with him and nothing more. Our meeting went well and we just clicked. What a nice guy!! The feeling was apparently mutual and I started receiving emails from him on a more personal note, like asking me to lunch. I even discussed it with my husband who had also met him, and liked him. He told me I should go to lunch with him, even though he did add that he believed that John had a crush on me, which I totally denied and disregarded (wished I hadn't). So I did have lunch with him, which led to many lunches, even at my home and then at his. My effection for him grew from friendship to something much more even though I kept telling myself I could control it and it would lead to nothing. I remember the first kiss and how I thought I would melt. My God the passion I felt for this man, I couldn't deny or stop feeling it. He is also married (16 years), and felt the same, or so he said. Several times I tried to break it off before it got too far, knowing it was wrong and feeling tremendous guilt, but he would always make it seem right and meant to be. We had seen each other for 3 months, (no sex, just kissing and touching), when his wife found an email he had sent me. She was devastated, angry and felt betrayed, I don't blame her. He called me the next day and explained what happened. Said we should put time between ourselves to let the steam rise. I was going crazy to see him and wondered why he didn't feel the same. I eventually emailed him at work and told him I did not want to see him anymore and not to email me. I havn't heard from him since. I live in a small community now and I have seen him a few times in his truck and once at a nearby Wal-mart, where he passed right by me not speaking and then 2 minutes later came up to me to say Hi.....acting as though nothing had happened. It has been a year and I can't shake this feeling of love I have for this person. He is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed, and I never even had a sexual relationship with him. Why can't I get over him, when it seemed so easy for him to get over me? I wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone, he persistently pursued me unknowingly until I gave in thinking it was just a friendship and I got hooked. It makes me wonder if the thrill for him was in the pursuing and once he caught his bait, he wasn't interested? I just want these feelings I have for him to end, apparently he has gone on with his life, but I can't.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 5:05pm
Hi Karry,

This guy sounds like quite the player. Please don't fool yourself into thinking that he did not manipulate you because he did. He must have said all the sweet things that you wanted/needed to hear. You opened up your heart to him and that was probobly your biggest mistake.

He knew you just the right buttons to press with you and took full advantage. It sounds like he has done this in the past and was probobly quite successful. You should be very happy that things did not progress any further because the pain would have been much worse.

The reason you can't stop thinking about him is because he has inceased he value through scarcity. "Absence diminishes minor passions and inflames great ones, as the wind douses a candle and fans a fire." Love never dies of starvation.

Learn from your mistakes and be strong - don't let this guy manipulate you anymore. You are worth too much!

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 12:16pm
Thanks HFL,

I think you may have wanted to apply too lake gurl. My affair has been over for 4 months with no contact. He was very manipulative, that I definetely agree with, but who's to say with him being single, where his emotions were at while I was taking my sweet time trying to figure out my life!! I guess I will never know. And quiet honestly I don't think about him all that often, maybe I think about the affair as a whole, but not so much him, if that makes sense. Have a great weekend!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 1:38pm
Hi Karry,

You are absolutely correct. I meant to direct my response to ivlakegal.

Although, I am very happy to hear that you are doing so well. Enjoy your weekend.

HFL

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 2:15pm
Maybe he was a player, maybe he wasn't. Maybe he was just a lonely man that missed the passion and the rapture of having someone be interested in his life..you know what it's like in the first stage or romance -- my lord, we actually listen to one another and hang on to every word and think this person thinks I'm great...but when you get caught and you're faced with everything you might lose and the way people will talk about you, the pain of your family, the shock of your friends, then I think most people will concentrate on fixing what they have and trying to get over what they could have had.

Not having anyone to talk with for a year has had to have been incredibly difficult. There's NO WAY I could have made it thru this without a few friends that have known, this board and the friends I made from the board...oh, yes, and therapy. I felt like if I didn't say some of this stuff out loud, I'd explode and to be able to talk to someone and just cry over your loss. And it is a loss. You're grieving and it takes time. And if you've had to hide that grief and face it alone, it can delay the healing process.

Listen to your gut -- was he a player? Or do you think he felt the connection as well? I can't tell you if he's a player or not because I don't know him or you. This is yours to figure out. And your range of emotions will be all over the place but you were the only one of all of us that was there, talking to him, listening to him, knowing him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 12:47am
Beth- your response is very wise. Let me ask you a question, because your advice applies to me as well. If this man was indeed a lonely man and not a player, if his feelings were real and there was a connection- what difference does it make? He still chose to stay with his original partner.

I would like to think that the proclaimed "connection" that was between myself and my OXM was real and not manipulation, but if it was, isn't it more painful knowing that you actually had something and it couldn't progress? I'm confused, on the one hand I think it validates you and the relationship if the person was being genuine, on the other hand it adds to the heartbreak. What is your take on this? Is it better when there actually was some truth to the feelings? or does that just make the pain worse because there were elements against the relationship that were out of your control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 6:03pm
Wow, you ask just the question that I'm thinking about these days. In a way it would probably be easier to let go if it was just manipulation. Then I could let the angry feelings take over and move on and away.

But on the other hand that is not what I want. It would just make me feel terrible to know that all the things I said and did (being honest, sending meaningful song lyrics and proclaim my love) was worth nothing. Something that would just boost his ego and make him feel like a king.

It is absolutely true that it adds to the heartbreak that true feelings could never be acted on in real life, but this is my take on it. I would rather hurt more but know for sure that we were sincere with each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 7:56am
Beth

I believe your response hit me more than any other. While everyone is being so supportive and understanding, (God knows I need that), you brought to light issues that are so true. I really do believe that there was an instant connection. He too has been married for a long time (not sure if I mentioned that....16 years). I do think he cared for me and the way it had to end is just hard to deal with. However, I'm sure it was harder for him, (because his wife found out), and my husband had no idea, and still doesn't. My heart did go out to him, and perhaps it may have continued, but I did ask him for no contact and he obliged, probably with the knowledge it would never go anywhere. It is just so sad to think we should have probably been together all along and it will never happen. The anger probably is a way of coping and trying to forget, and I wonder if my heart will ever mend? I know I will never forget him and undoubtably love him forever. In the meanwhile my relationship with my husband of 27 years is more like two friends, even though I love him with all my heart, I am not in love with him anymore. He is such a good person, and I know with out a doubt he loves me (even though, I feel so undeserving of it). I'm not sure if I could ever leave him and devastate him that way. Sometimes I just wish he would find someone who loves him like he deserves, and leave me.

Thanks for such a touching post, it really did make me think, and redirect my anger. Hope your life is happy and stays that way!

ivlakegal

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 8:07am
Hi snapdragon,

I totally understand your confusion, and often wondered the same thing. My situation involves so many people other than myself. As does my OM. Simply understanding the hurt you may cause someone else, or the uncertainty of it all may be an issue to consider. Even though I had all these strong feelings for this person, if it came right down to it and we had a chance to be together, could I hurt my husband (and my 16 year old daughter that lives at home)? Would I end up resenting him and eventually hating him or myself for choosing him? And better yet, what does this teach my daughter about relationships. Alot to consider, don't you think? I know its hard, believe me, I can't seem to get him out of my damn head, but look at the consequences and weigh it out. Maybe it was the best and I need to get on with it, or maybe I will never be able to get over it. I made choices in life and have to deal with it. Hope you can, and your life can be happy.

ivlakegal

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