why can't A partners marry successfully?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
why can't A partners marry successfully?
14
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:53am

Does anyone here have a story they can share about having had (or knowing someone who has had) an affair that ended in both divorcing, marrying one another and being content? If you do not have a good outcome story then do you have a bad outcome story?

I ask this because I am in NC with my OM (who is also married) and he insists that we'll be together one day. I say that it is doubtful because of all the terrible statistics I have read which are not in our favor. He says we will beat the odds because of our ability to communicate and perspective on life as we both are more upbeat and positive then our spouses are.

I have endured the NC for three days now. I still want and at the same time don't want to contact him. My question is why does it have to be a doomed relationship? Is it a given that once you divorce someone for not meeting your needs that you will repeat the behavior? Is not it possible to learn from our mistakes, know what we need and move on? Why is divorce still not really acceptable in favor of new beginnings? Neither of us plan on "returning or throwing in the towel" if we end up together we want to work at it because we both have the desire to do that where our spouses seem less apt to do so.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 10:17am

Believe,
I don't know a whole lot about the story. But my xOM' father had an A on his mother (back when he was 5 or so) and they are married and have a child together and I think they are still together. I don't know anything else about it. I always kind of found it interesting that my xOM was willing to be involved in an A, after that is what seperated his family if you will.
I know that doesn't help much, but I thought i would share!

Happy Friday!
~nuttmeg

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 10:20am

Believe-

<<>>

The answer is because it was never a "relationship". Affairs are fantasies. You don't have to worry about the everyday life stresses like childrearing, careers, finances, family issues, etc. It's a fantasy. It's not real life. And most affairs that are brought out to the open DO NOT LAST because the APs had this unrealistic prespective/ view of each other. The underlying issues in your current marriage will likely resurface in another relationship if they are not dealt with. Look to yourself for the answers. Put emotions/feelings aside for the time and think rationally. The reality of it all will sink in and you will have the answers to your questions.

Strength to you,
SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 10:45am

Well, I left my marriage, exOM left his long-term relationship, we lived together off & on for 18mos or so of our nearly 4yr affair. I have since reconciled with my husband and exOM has returned to his long term partner.

<<>>

Words are pretty cheap, Believe, especially when they grant access to your knicker elastic. When he says holds your hand & says in the presence of YOUR husband and HIS wife that you two will beat the odds because of your ability to communicate & your upbeat perspectives on life, THEN you can think about believing him... Until then, it's just smoke and mirrors, both of which are aimed directly up your skirt.

<<>>

The usual reason for this is you have two people thrown together who are both accustomed to running away from their problems by having affair when the going gets tough rather than facing those problems/challenges head on. Failure, they say, is not a fertile ground for success. When life begins to throw some curves towards these two problem-dodgers, how likely are they to stick around to work out those problems rather than seeking someone/something else to take their minds off things & make them feel better?

<<>>

Sure it is. However, until the core issues are dealt with and new coping mechanisms and/or strategies are learned & employed, you still have someone who seeks comfort away from the source of discomfort rather than stepping up to the plate. If one's life is skewed to the point they are having or considering an affair, therapy is going to be beneficial for just these reasons.

<<>>

I've no idea what you mean here, perhaps you could clarify this thought a little for me.

<<>>

Well, neither myself nor exOM ever actually planned on returning or throwing in the towel either. In fact, we were so certain we had the perfect relationship formula that we planned & conceived our now 2yr old daughter, something you'll appreciate wasn't a decision either of us took lightly. In the end, his inability to step up to the plate and face problems head on led to my decision that he wasn't really the kind of role model I wanted for my daughter. I walked.

I'm aware this is probably not anything remotely like what you wanted to hear, but if you want to have a real life with this man you need some real answers. And ya did ask ;)

Strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 12:22pm

<<>>

This is so true.

This is a condensed version (but still long about my best friend).

My best friend is getting over an affair, and I've been there for her, and I've been able to see all the emotions she's been going through.
Their affair got so intense that he actually left his wife and they got an apartment together.
After about 2 weeks (the bliss was wearing off), the complaints started coming.

The wife was calling his cell almost 24 hours a day begging for him to come home. The apartment complex where they lived was gated, so the wife couldn't come inside the compound and harass her, but did get threatened with arrest for refusing to leave the gates.
His Mom and Dad showed up at his job and tried to talk to him.
His wife even found out about me being her friend, and tried to call me and talk to me!!

A majority of the things he told her his wife complained about when it came to him (and his actions), were the same things she ended up complaining about.

He didn't pick up after himself. He was sullen, moody, and didn't want to talk. He would come home and sit on the sofa and not move until the dustbunnies moved him. He belched at the dinner table, and passed gas, and didn't say 'excuse me'.
He'd leave lights on, and wouldn't clean up after himself.
When she managed to MAKE him take a shower, he said she was 'acting like my wife, and if I wanted to be nagged, I'd go back home, or go live with my Mom'.
She made a joke once that the only difference between him and a pig was that the pig had 2 more legs.

The first time he used the computer when she wasn't home - they got into a fight, because she accused him of chatting with another woman. (That's how they met).

When it came time to pay the bills, he didn't chip in because he said she made more money than he did, AND he said he had other bills to pay, and those bills were his first priority. Of course he was paying all his wife's credit cards, and the huge note on their mortgage - so I can imagine how that conversation went....LOL.

I would try to talk to her and make her see that she needed to remedy this situation, and that this situation was not what she needed to be in, but she told me that I didn't understand, and that they loved each other.
I then asked her when was he going to divorce? He had no children, so he couldn't say that was why he wouldn't divorce.
She'd laugh and tell me that everything happens for a reason, and blah blah.

3 months after they moved in together, he left and didn't say goodbye. GASP, SHOCK, he went back to his wife.
She called me yesterday and told me that she thinks that he's seeing someone else already!

The thing about this is that if you aren't in a 'real' relationship in the 'real' world - there's no way any of it can be 'real'.
Had he been single, and they met that way, there was a chance that by getting to know eachother in the real world - things probably would have been different. In fact, I bet she wouldn't even want him if she would have really known him...LOL.

A man that we work with (married) flirts with all the women in the office, but he avoids me because he once said that he'd have an affair, but he'd never leave his children.
I told him that everytime he flirts with another woman, sleeps with another woman, or does anything inappropriate that doesn't include their mother - he is 'leaving' them in some sort of way anyway, and that's hurting them anyway.
He looked at me as if I'd slapped him.

I want so badly for you women to know that married men are not worth the heartache they cause, and you can't let it happen (or happen again). I know there are good single men out there that want to be with good, STRONG women.
Please don't settle for less, be strong, and know that you don't deserve any of that pain.

Hugs to all of you who hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 2:27pm
My childhood dentist had an affair with his dental hygienest (they were both married at the time and divorced for each other), and managed to marry and live 25+ years very happy until his death last year.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 6:34pm

<>

Yes Believe,
I know of a few incidences that have actually worked out, (I've posted about them all before, but I'll tell you again.) My XH cheated on me, I left him for 8 months so he could be with his OW, he asked me to come back and rebuild our marriage so I gave it a shot. We were back together for 1 yr without him seeing her (so he says) but I felt that after being on my own for so long I fell out of love with him, we ended up divorcing. 2 months later, low and behold, they were dating again. Now, 2 years later they are married. I truly believe they are very happy together. Maybe they actually were soul mates afterall. And I really get along well with them both now.

I'm headed to Vegas in March for my dad's wedding to his OW. He left my X-stepmother to be with her. (X was a rotten person!!) I've never seen my dad happier.

I have a client who left his wife to be with his OW. They have now lived together for 4 years and are engaged to be married.

So these are just the few I know of. You asked for bad experiences and the only one I know of is my own. XMM had told his W he was leaving her for me and called me that morning to tell me he was waiting for his kids to get home to talk to them. (they are 4 and 6), and that he would be on his way afterwards. He never went through with it. We've been on and off since then (Nov.) but it's been completely off for the last 3 weeks, and is over for good.

I don't have any advice for you, but this is just the experience in my life with affairs. Unfortunately there have been quite a few. Best of luck to you!

Pal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:49pm

Answering your questions:


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 3:49am

I'm curious, do you know if any of these would be affair partners turned spouses cheat on each other? Did any of these people work through their problem with therapy? What appears to be happy on the outside isn't always so.

atty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 4:52am

my boss left his his wife for his secretary and they got married. they are the happiest couple i've ever seen. they've been married for over 20 years now.
dreams do come true sometimes.

Debbi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 10:27am
We do have a friend who cheated on his wife. The wife found out. Not sure if she left him or he left her. Anyway, he has been living with OW for a couple of years now.

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