why can't A partners marry successfully?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
why can't A partners marry successfully?
14
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:53am

Does anyone here have a story they can share about having had (or knowing someone who has had) an affair that ended in both divorcing, marrying one another and being content? If you do not have a good outcome story then do you have a bad outcome story?

I ask this because I am in NC with my OM (who is also married) and he insists that we'll be together one day. I say that it is doubtful because of all the terrible statistics I have read which are not in our favor. He says we will beat the odds because of our ability to communicate and perspective on life as we both are more upbeat and positive then our spouses are.

I have endured the NC for three days now. I still want and at the same time don't want to contact him. My question is why does it have to be a doomed relationship? Is it a given that once you divorce someone for not meeting your needs that you will repeat the behavior? Is not it possible to learn from our mistakes, know what we need and move on? Why is divorce still not really acceptable in favor of new beginnings? Neither of us plan on "returning or throwing in the towel" if we end up together we want to work at it because we both have the desire to do that where our spouses seem less apt to do so.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 11:38am

<<>

Atty,

All of the relationships I posted about are fairly new relationships. No longer than 4 years each. Who knows what will happen down the road, but as of right now I don't believe any of them are, or ever have cheated on eachother yet. You are right about not knowing what goes on inside a realtionship. They all appear to be happy to me, but then again, I doubt my X-H would ever tell me he wasn't happy since his A with his W caused so much stress and hurt to all of us. My dad is definately happy, inside and outside, and drives us all nuts cuz they act like young teenagers in love. They've been together 1 1/2 yrs now. As for my client, I don't know anything about them much outside of what he tells me. We're not friends, just on a professional level.

Also, none of these couples have been through therapy to my knowledge. My XH and I went to MC for 2 sessions, and I hated it so I quit. Ask me these questions in another few years, there may be a whole different outcome.

Pal

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 12:08pm

Hiya Pal,

It's an easier path to believe what we want to believe, especially when we are invested in hoping the same or similar for ourselves.

Try a different perspective. Try asking these happy couples how their transitions from affair couple to couple in open relationship went.

No matter how much we want something for ourselves, magic wands simply don't exist and ignoring the ugliness, the lies, the willingness to betray those who love & depend on us that went into whatever happiness may be there *now* doesn't make that ugliness go away.

When you have two people who solve problems by running away from reality, there are going to be some big problems. I lived with exOM for 18mos +/-. It was my choice to leave mainly because every minor misfortune that ever befell him was always invariably someone elses' fault.

First everything was his DP's fault, then it was his boss' fault or the society at large, and I have no doubt whatsoever that had I stuck it out then everything would have eventually been all *my* fault, too. That wasn't an environment *I* wanted to be in and I did *not* want my daughter growing up learning that stepping up to the plate was a job anyone else should do *for* her.

NRE will tell you himself that both he & his exOW/now Wife had some growing to do before they were ready to be together, it's in the archives and I won't speak for him.

In affair, something unhealthy in you is attracted to something unhealthy in someone else. Until both parties can become healthy and learn healthy coping strategies & mechanisms, you still have two unhealthy people in an unhealthy relationship.

All anyone can ever change is themselves. You cannot fix anyone else but yourself. You cannot heal anyone else except yourself. What's stopping you?

Strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 3:45pm

NRE -
thanks for this post.

Is that what you had to do, ask for a D-date, and then maintain NC until he filed?
Or did your OM do what he had to by himself, without extra pressure from you?

- l&t

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 6:11pm

L&T, you must be new to the board and/or haven't read my profile......


Some "adjustments" to your presumptions:


1) I am MALE


2) We (xOW now current wife) maintained NC for most of the time after I filed for divorce so that I could concentrate on my divorce. xOW was already divorced and tired of waiting for me to get off the fence, so she moved on and started seeing other men and told me to look her up after the divorce and see where things were at once I was truly available. I did look her up, she was still single, now she isn't. We're together. THat very, very, very rare occurence of a successful marriage after starting as

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