Why Couldn't He Choose me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Why Couldn't He Choose me?
3
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 6:04pm

Whining Alert: I am well aware that I am whining, sad, complaining and not totally rational.

I deserve my Dignity.
NC since 2/4/2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 7:42pm
Very normal, but hang in there, I will respond in further detail, I have been n had all ur emotions, posting this from my phone, saw no responses, didn't want u feeling u were alone, please TRY to be strong, n yes this will pass, but u kinda gotta go thru n it, but if u follow the advice here, it will pass, it's a narrow path, but it works...it just does
try to focus on u n ur fam...will get back to u with more detail soon...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 9:05pm

I would be jelous even though I knew I would NEVER want him
as my primary partner. It's about addressing the issues of rejection that I find important. Why does it matter, I ask myself. You don't even want him! This is the maddening part. I know that we would have deep deep issues of mis-trust. I couldn't nor wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I know too much, I have seen too much. Perhaps I would feel otherwise if I had hoped that he would leave her. But I never really did. Now don't get me wrong, there were times when I resented the relationship because it meant that I often went without, but no more than each of them did. She went without so much because of me: without a present partner, a partner committed to her, a partner who was transparent and authentic to her. He went without ... without the one who made him feel good, his cheerleader, his confidant, his muse ... we are all losers in this. She hasn't won ... nothing to feel jelous about. I often ask myself what my sister would say, if i had a sister, and she would have said get the freak out, the sooner the better.

But since I don't have a sister, I am learning to be my own sister ... a bit of a ramble but all this to say, it's normal, it sucks to feel rejected, to ask oneself why didn't he choose me. but in the end, i feel like, he didn't even choose himself. He loses. His character has cost him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 11:26am

Dignity,
back like I said I would be...

My 2ndDay was a thur, she took him back on Friday. We had a second DDay only because had some unresolved issues that HAD to be addressed. W knew he was around me, seeing me, txting me, etc btwn DDays, of course he threw me under the bus n lied n lied to her.
When her n I spoke, she had been thru this so many times with him. I was one of many. No inflection in her voice etc..

What u need to know is that just like he has lied n manipulated you, he has n will continue to do to her. It's not even so much about him choosing her. He is comfortable there, it's home, easier to stay there w/kids n the so called happy home.
Your feelings of jealousy our normal, u figure, he said he loves me, I love him, we should be together. Afterall, love conquers all, right?

But there are no winners in A's, she does not get the Gold, it appears that way to you right now. N I realize that.
Ur exAp said the same exact words to me when I broke it off like u did in the office, word for word, I am being so honest, I heard, the I love you, always will, will always wonder stuff too...that's a MM manipulating at his best, my MM didn't do tears tho, he just sulked n acted in disbelief....
This leads me to believe ur MM is crafty n timely with his words n says just enough to keep u in n he says n dies things all at the right time. If u do not know this already, u are likely not his first A.
N if u remain NC n truly let him go, you probably won't be his last...
W made things so easy on him, she may be watching more closely etc...but once he feels it's safe to venture out again, he will either try to contact you or venture out to the next available n willing women to stroke his ego, esp if wife isnt doing it at home.

Now know this, would you want him to choose you? Say he did choose you, would u trust him? how would his children react to you one day when they are old enough to understand? What would your foundation be built on?Give you n him the best case scenario....do u really think u two would ride off into the sunset n life would be grand? Divorces are ugly n draining etc...

There is a saying I read on here n it has helped
me get thru this.
"if u marry a man who cheats on his wife, you will be married to a man who cheats on his wife!"

not saying this absolutely applies to you n ur MM, I would say it applies to most.

I have thought about revenge, that was my fav, stewed over that for days, I had played out so many scenarios, then there was jealousy, n please know if u read my roll call post, I had plenty of BIG reasons to be very jealous in every imaginable way, that passed a little easier.

I realized there was nothing to be jealous of. She is likely stuck with a man who lies to her n mistreats her, turned his back on her n their children for highs....he has hurt her. U on the other hand, can walk Away from this, u can have a good healthy relationship, u can have a man u DONT have to share, u can escape from the pain he has inflicted on you...
But u have to the work, the work is not easy but it's worth it...but it's tough...n time is not your best friend right now...ur wounds are so fresh, do ur best, some of this pain n emotions u simply have to go thru, u have to!!

It hurt like hell so much, unbearable most days, but overtime I felt better than I did with him on my life. I am not far out of the A time wise, but the DRAMA is gone n I am not looking for it.

Ok, I have rambled, hope this helps...hang in there Dignity..
Time will heal, but u have to believe n be patient, u will slowly see that u r not missing out on much at all.
Thus, nothing to be REALLY jealous of.
Try to focus on you, n not them. U have enough to go thru, u r going to need you, the old u before the A, more than ever, remember her???