Why did he break NC??????
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 01-21-2005 - 12:20am |
I haven't been here for a while, it's been since November.
So why am I back?
Let's see...I last saw xMM back in July. I told him once again (about the fourth or fifth time) that I couldn't handle getting the crumbs. He told me that he understood, but that maybe he could call me sometimes, just to see how I was, just like he'd call a buddy or something. I said that would be okay. But after 42 days of not hearing from him, he finally called me. I told him I couldn't do it, couldn't wait for him to call me "like we are just friends", so we started NC again.
Then, near the end of October, I ran into him in a job-related training event. Normally, our paths don't cross, even though we're in the same line of work, so I was really thrown off guard by seeing him again. He mentioned calling me in the future. But somehow, this time I'd found the strength to tell him right up front no, he couldn't call me. And I walked away from him feeling quite empowered and free.
I started seeing someone else within a week of that encounter. Someone available. I could move on to being with someone who seemed to care about me, someone that I was developing real feelings for!
Unfortunately, he had previously made arrangements to take some job interviews out of state. Tomorrow he leaves for a few days. He had considered at one point asking me if I'd follow him to his new location if it works out, but he figured I wouldn't want to leave my (adult) daughter. That's partially true; I have no desire to pack up and move away from where I live, even though my daughter said she'd be okay with it.
On the day before Christmas Eve, the xMM left me a phone message. He wished me a happy holiday. He said he'd talk to me soon. Oh, no, I thought; he can't be serious! I'm trying to move on! I didn't reply. My holidays had a sudden pall over them. He was the last person I needed to hear from. I tried to refocus my attention on the new man in my life. Despite the probability that he'll be leaving someday soon, I figure I might as well make the most of what's there for now. But there's still this nagging feeling; What happens if I commit to this person and the xMM rings me up and says he's actually going through with the big D? Oh, how fantasy can ruin us! I slapped myself silly and tried to put thoughts of HIM out of my head. It seemed to be working.
Anyway, yesterday I found myself having some pretty strong thoughts of the xMM despite my efforts. I thought I was getting him out of my system, but I still had those thoughts of him in the back of my mind, even though I know he won't leave his kids despite what seems to be a bad marriage and his deep feelings for me.(Common thread here, huh?) I was so tempted to call him, or e-mail him, or even stop by to visit him at work. But I suppressed that urge, as I've done in the past. (He's always been the one to break NC.)
But then a very strange thing happened last night; he called again. He called to apologize for being selfish, and for causing me so much pain and heartache. He said he'd recently had some time to reflect on the past year and a half of our on-again-off-again affair. He was sorry that he'd gone about things the wrong way; instead of dealing with things at home, he got me involved in his life for purely selfish reasons. But he didn't see it that way at the time. He asked how I was doing, I told him I'd been seeing someone else and he responded with a very happy-sounding "That's great!" Like he was sincerely happy that I was moving on. I admit, that kind of caused a bit of a twinge of hurt.
He went on to say that he missed me. And that things weren't any better at home. (It's been about a year since he found out his wife was in an EMA for a brief time. They've tried counciling for a few sessions. He's not told her about us.) I can't be quite sure, but I think he said that the M was probably not going to last. Just a matter of time. (Did he really say that? I think he did, but I'm pretending he didn't.) I told him flat out that I wasn't going to hang around to help make his marriage bearable. We ended the conversation on a friendly note, leaving me thinking I haven't heard the last of him. But for sanity's sake, I'm pretending that call was all a dream....
Tonight I was supposed to go out with the new boyfriend, but I suddenly came down with a strong touch of stomach flu or something, so I called it off at the very last minute. He seemed relieved! Perhaps b/c of his impending trip and possible relocation, he's trying to keep from getting too close??? I don't know. Maybe I am, too.
At this point, I'm thinking that I am destined to spend my days on my own. Not that that would be entirely bad, since I'm used to being on my own. I wonder if I've chosen to be involved with a MM for that reason; deep-seated fear of real intimacy. XMM is not the first MM in my life, I'm ashamed to admit. I think I've had some issues with abandonment, which might also lend to my poor choice in partners.
I'm resolved to take one day at a time, to not make any moves to contact xMM, and to focus my energies on positive and healthy relationships. So how do I completely get rid of that feeling that someday I'll see xMM again? How do I overcome that feeling that we really are soulmates? It's insanity! Fantasy! But it's like I have a devil on one shoulder, and an angel on the other, each speaking convincingly into my ears.
I would welcome any slaps upside the head, any consolation, encouragement, or advice. I know that NC is the best way, and I plan on keeping it. I quess I'd just like to know of someone else's opinion on this sordid matter. There's only one friend of mine that knows the whole story, and while she's quite level-headed and generally refuses to give me any false hopes, after hearing of this last episode of contact, she thinks he should just get out of his unhappy situation.
Thanks for taking the time to read all this. It's quite cathartic, getting this all out. I hope the best of everything and peace and happiness to everyone here!
grace

Bottom line is he's still married, still unavailable, still not able to give himself to you totally - he is not FREE! Block his number from your phone, email, whatever and refuse to have contact with him - he is dragging this out because HE feels guilty but he won't make the move to divorce his wife - he's not worth your time or effort. Say goodbye for good and move on. so he says he's concerned about you - but he's not concerned enough to NOT engage you in an affair with a married man who cannot do you justice by being there for you 24/7, he's not concerned enough to stop contacting you when he knows each time is a major setback for you.
I am not trying to be harsh but I want to stress that HE is still selfish and until he leaves you alone or gets a divorce and THEN contacts you he is only thinking of himself.
Grace
You asked way did he call: BECOUSE HE IS STILL SELFISH, he called for himself to relieve his guilt or to attempt to suck you back in for his benefit.
NO CONTACT tell he has a signed sealed divorce decree in his hand, for YOUR SAKE.
Free
<>
I used to hate when Free would tell me that!!! Now I know that she's right!!! You've gone this long with NC, nothing good will come of starting it up again!! Good luck!!
PAL
Still selfish??? Yes, yes, yes!!!
I am certain his apology for being selfish was just more selfishness. I don't hate him for that but I'm not going to get sucked back in and I think he knows it; he's probably just seeing where I'm at.
I've gotten good at being strong-willed when it comes to this. I deserve better, I deserve someone there for me 24/7. I try to avoid wishing it WAS him, as we all know the saying, "be careful what you wish for..."
I'm sure I'll be visiting here a bit more over the next few days, just to help keep me in line and to remind myself how these A's never work!!! Sometimes I need a dose of harsh reality! This is the place for it.
Thanks for taking time to write.
grace
Dear Grace,
I recently broke NC after 4 months and the A has been over 15 months. I am also seeing a new guy who deserves my entire focus. xMM still loves me very much, his M still sucks, but the bottom line is still that he is not leaving. The last conversation we had he was saying the same old stuff: can't get an anullment from the church, can't hurt my boys, have to stick to my responsibilities, etc, etc. And then he was also saying if you would just go back to the A and we could get really close again then I would have the courage to do it. Then other times he would say that I need to go forward with the NG and that he wants me to be happy. The bottom line is that he ISN'T going to do it. I CAN'T MAKE HIM TAKE ACTION FOR ME. It is really clear to see that the time gone by hasn't changed ANYTHING about the situation. We are still as strongly emotionally connected, he does not love his W AT ALL and he still does not really want to leave his marriage.
Grace--you and I have to take care of ourselves now. we have already been destroyed by this. The outcome will always be the same. All we get is misery. WE HAVE NO CHOICE. We have to move on.
survive
Misery is right. It's only been a few days since his call to me out of the blue, and I am struggling to keep him out of my mind. Evry time I read of someone in a similar situation, I want to say, "No, no, this one's different!" but I know in my heart that it's no different. It'll never change. I had reached that contentment stage, moved on to actually dating someone available but now that seems to be falling apart. (He leaves tomorrow for a job interview and I get the feeling he's putting up some distance between us. Which, in turn, pushes me to those old useless feelings of longing for the unattainable xMM.)
People are so right when they post here that even a small breach in the NC department can wreak havoc. I feel like I've taken twenty giant steps backwards.
The good part is, I know I CAN survive it.
thanks
grace