Why did I do this

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Why did I do this
19
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 7:29am
I was just pondering why I/we put our selves through this torment. Someone ask the other day on the board if anyone had ever told the wife. Yes I did. First time I did it after a big fight with MM and he had been very hateful to me. This man put me on a pedestal for 3 yrs. Then he changed,even his wife, friends, business associates said so. I got vendictive and no I dont regret it. After I told her he came crawling back begging me and telling me that he loved me and give him time. For what I wonder to play his game more? I finally ended it 7 weeks ago.I had given MM a choice me or W, his famous last words "give me time". It was kind of funny I kicked him to the curb that day 7 weeks ago and the W told him she was going to file for a divorce the same day. My response when he called me that day was, its got to be a B---h for both of your women to boot you in the same day. Hahahaha. Don't get me wrong, I loved this man to the point I worshipped him. I had to answer some questions for myself to find closure last monday.Oh boy did I find answers. I went to a neighboring town, I know some business associates of his and they spilled it all out, they lost respect for him too. They told me what I suspected which I had warned him stay with W cause I will see to it if you try to play with another woman your W knows. When I had all my info, I called the wife. I found closure. I knew he had cheated on her before but this was way beyond what I comprehended.W and I acually talked like adults. W told me that in the 24 yrs off and on they had been together (she married him 3 times; dumb woman) that I was #16. 16, sweet 16. OMG!!!!!! I said 16 that you knew about what about the other 900. We laughed and talked, I told her who the other woman is, where she lives, works, her husbands name. I gave W circumstances she couldnt deny. Like who, what when where, times dates when I was working that he would have had to have told me.W tried to get me to take him. I told her noway was I going to pickup her trash. While we were talking I got a call, it was Ms # 17, LOL I 3 wayed the call and W was listening. BUT the kicker was, when #17 called not only was I talking to W but #17's hubby was standing there listening. Yes I went to him too. She was yelling and talking about he was hers and what they had been doing, yes I egged her on to get her to spill it. Oh yes, wife, her hubby and I got all the crude graphic details of what they had been up to. Hahaha talk about a dummy!!!!. This went on for 14 minutes and I finally hung up on her. He was at a place of business with her. Now imagine the looks on their faces when all 3 of us walked in. Me. hubby. and W. I didnt say but a few words I just looked at them, then directly at him and said "Gotcha" and laughed. Understand I am not like these people but his W is a big boned woman(not really fat) she walked in, straight to him and said get your a** to the house and get your clothes but leave walking cause that truck is in my name. Hahah god I love it!!! then she walked up to #17 and punched her out, no more like beat the crap out of her. #17's hubby looked at her, laughed and told her to walk where she had to go but not home and walked out got in her SUV and drove off. After W got through with them, she looked at me and said now that we have took out the trash you ready to go. We both looked at him and walked out together. I got my closure, I gave him back all the hurt he put me through. I don't want him now or never.This man broke my spirit, self confidence, tore my life apart so I believe in giving as good as you get. Sometimes revenge is sweet!!!! I know it was for me. But ladies, if you try this, let there be no doubt what you have is facts he can't deny, have all your facts together before you drop the bomb of payback.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 1:38pm
your right Life,
it is all about "I" now. "I" will overcome this. "I" will not ever put myself through this again. "I" am self centered when it comes to anything that pertains to him. "I" am not happy with myself now that I let him reeked havoc on my life. "I" am in pain from it. "I" am suffering daily from it. "I" am going to get on somehow someway with my life. "I" am going to get this man "I" loved so much out of my heart. "I" do feel pity for his wife for beliving his lies like "I" did.What are we suppose to do here, get on the board and ask how we/"I" can do something to console his pain? "I" think not. Lot of I's there isn't there? For 3 years it was all about him him him and yes now it is all about "I","I","I". It will continue to be. As for #17, yes the one that he so easly replaced me with "I" do hope he gives her everything he did me. All the tenderness, all the love, all the caring and being there. I hope she feels as loved as "I" did. Then "I" hope she will get what every other woman he has ever been with feel...exactly what "I" am feeling. All the pain, all the tears, "I" hope she loses everything "I" did because of that man. Maybe she will be the one in his long list that gives him what he has always done to others, the same thing he did to me. But in the end, being without him, when all my suffering is done "I" will be the better person in this. "I" will have won just to say "I" didn't win him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 1:41pm

Hey "Judge Posie?" You gonna be on T.V. too? Hah! Come to think of it.....you'd be great as an "affair buster" judge. I know I'd watch.

Hey Peach? It's unfortunate that you can't recognize good honest home-grown wisdom at it's best.

~True~


 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 1:55pm
True what I witnessed in Judge Posie was a bitter person. "I" am bitter that is a fact as for her good honest home-grown wisdom at it's best, no its the guilty condemning the guilty. She is like I said no better than i am she is also a cheating liar she had an affair too, obviously she lost the battle too. Gotta run but you can bet I, wait "I" will be back.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:03pm
Peach its funny how you said you needed closure but yet you ended your affair 7 weeks ago and just last Monday you put so much effort that you actually went to another town to talk with some of his friends? If it was really over and you are done with him, Then why bother? OVER MEANS OVER....Move on and leave that in the past. I think you are so miserable because he lied to you # 16 that you are playing stauker now. Come on for real, What does it matter what HIS friends say? Your not over him & you will do what ever you can think of to make him more miserable than he already is. At least be honest with yourself because he wasn't!
Will not respond any more good luck to you in what ever your devious mind decides on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:03pm

Here, here! I like to lurk and read all the good advice Posie gives. And I know it comes from her PERSONAL experience, not a book, not an article. This advice comes from a long, difficult affair of which she is still fully in recovery, just like the rest of us.

I also enjoy reading some of the reactions people have to her thoughts. It's easy to tell when she hits a nerve because the poster usually goes on the offensive, big time.

Peach, I wouldn't have made the same choices you made. But I don't have your affair, or your situation. That's why this board is so helpful--I need those other perspectives to keep me on track.

As for your situation, I'm glad to hear that you're moving on. No matter what it took to get you there, you're on the right road of NC and getting on with your life. Good for you for getting out a bad situation. No matter how much you love a person, that can't make them be or act like a better person.

Someday I hope you can go back and read Posie's thoughts again, and see it from a different perspective.

Good luck with your road to recovery!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:08pm

Peach

I agree that you should be out and about with the healthy people in your life that care for you, they say the best revenge is to live well and look good doing it, BUT it should have nothing to do with him, do it for YOU not to effect him or show him anything.

In my opinion if you do or do not do something because of him your still letting him retain power in your life and that is the last thing you want to do.

you can't drive a car foreword looking out the rear window, and you can't move forward in life fixated on the past, and this sick puppy is the past, keep him were he belongs.

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:26pm

Hiya jrspeach,

To look at my responses as anything but angry or bitter would mean that you maybe should give it some consideration. So, you dismiss it as nothing more than anger and/or bitterness because you don't want to face it. Or perhaps it's just that you are emotionally confused. Don't confuse anger or bitterness with fervor and/or directness.

If you've read my profile, you'll see that amongst other things, I'm a paralegal rather than a Judge. In any event, integrity isn't a job, it's a choice.

As far as being good at retaliation, it appears you are far better at blaming others for having beaten yourself at your own game.

I'll pass on your kind offer for lessons, thanks, since I've had far more advanced training in duplicity, retaliation, machiaevelian manipulation, depersonalisation, objectification, and a grossly distorted sense of entitlement than anyone ever needed or wanted. I am the child of a diplomat who was also a serial adulterer. So you see, it's taken these last 7mos for me to begin unlearning these delightful traits and will likely take a lifetime to be free of them altogether, so again, thanks but no thanks.

With regard to my daughter, she is being raised with age appropriate honesty with regard to her father being my exOM. This has the support & backing of both my DH and my therapist.

Jrspeach, you might consider finding a therapist yourself. I'd certainly give you the number of mine, however, the weekly commute to London might make it somewhat less than cost effective for you.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:46pm

Jerry..Jerry..Jerry...

Not that I really want to ask, but WHY did the W punch number 17 and not you? You were f****ing her husband too?

Sorry but although revenge is sweet dignity is much sweeter.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 6:26pm
You need to stop yourself. I couldn't even manage to read all of the horrid things you wrote to Posie because frankly, I am embarrassed for you. It is unfortunate that you can't take a step back and hear what she is saying but it is clear that you want to stay in the victim role and continue to live a shattered life. Okay, knock yourself out. I learned so much from reading Posie's posts when I first came here because she talks a great deal about taking accountability, which if one takes complete responsibility for their actions and choices, the individual is empowered. Here is what I learned. When I was able to accept that I was 100% responsible for my pain then I could choose to get beyond it. When I was busy blaming MM I was a weak person. The truth is that everyone of us has made the conscious choice to become emotionally and sexually connected to a liar and in the process we each became liars. The central theme of an affair is deception. We lie, we help the MM lie, and we encourage MM to lie. It is not fair that once the relationship is over that we then want to change the rules and talk about how we were victimized by the lies of the MM. The only true victim is his wife. What? It is okay for the MM to lie his head off to his wife in order to be with you but how dare he lie to us? We were never victims, no matter what the MM did. Unless this man held a gun to your head and would not let you physically leave, you had all kinds of options, we all did. If we chose to stay and "trust" a man who is making a mockery of the single most sacred promise he will make, who is the fool? I knew I was a fool. I chose to be a fool. I can't then go back after the fact and be angry at him for making me a fool. We are all grown ups and made our own choices. What is concerning to me about your post is that you sound proud of the fact that you set up a scene that became so out of control that a person was physically assualted. It is fortunate that the police were not called. Under no circumstances should anyone ever be physically hurt. I know, you didn't hit her yourself but you set the whole thing up and are partially responsible for the fact that a criminal act was committed in all of this. And what's your beef with number 17? That she did exactly what you did? Or is it that you realized that you were replaceable and he found someone else? Are you angry that you got "cheated" on? She is no more guilty than you but she got beaten and has lost everything. If that is the consequence for being with a MM then you better get yourself a hammer and start smacking yourself. As far as you blaming MM for you not having a relationship with your kids....are you serious? Your relationship with your kids is solely your responsibility and should be your paramount priority. No one can ruin your relationship with your children but you. If you chose him over your kids because they disapproved or whatever, that is your deal to live with. There is not a darn thing that anyone of us has gone through that we haven't allowed to happen and so the ultimate responsibility is on us. Posie consistently takes full responsibility for her past behavior. That is what makes her such a strong woman. You won't find a post where she is blaming anyone else or licking her wounds. She made a mistake, corrected it, and grew from it. As far as your comment about her child finding out that her mother had been dishonest, what her daughter will grow to know is that her mother made mistakes, was able to be accountable for her mistakes, make ammends, and not repeat the mistake. I think her daughter is going to be pretty darn impressed with the mother she has been given. When you are ready to feel strong again and take back your life you will, but I know from experience that it doesn't happen until you get out of the revenge stage and take a good, hard look at the fact that you let it all happen to you and are ultimately responsible for the whole thing. It is a painful process but an incredibly rewarding one. I hope you get there.

Pages