why did I wait?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
why did I wait?
6
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 12:08pm

When my AP told me after 6 mths that he was commited to his marriage I waited for him to change his mind . . I hung in there.

When my AP left our workplace last august I waited for him to change his mind . . I hung in there even though we only saw each other once a month.

When my AP said he couldn't meet me more than maybe once every few months I waited . . . surely that time would pass quickly.

When my AP said he could no longer use his cellphone to contact me - it wasn't safe for him I waited . . . better to hear from him less than not at all.

When my AP returned after 7 days of vacation and admited he had chances to call me but didn't feel it was "right" I said enough is enough. I am done.

When my AP asked if he could call later today . . I said no.

What a stupid doormat I was - god I'm 43 and I have no self respect left. If I could crawl out of my own skin I would.

Don't wait as long as I did. Save yourself.

You can't compromise yourself - you are all you have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: songs41
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 1:34pm
Good post and welcome! Proud of you.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: songs41
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 2:05pm

Welcome Songs ...

The only thing I take exception to is this:

"god I'm 43 and I have no self respect left."

because you did this:

"When my AP asked if he could call later today . . I SAID NO"

This was the first glimmer of dignity and self-respect you have shown yourself. We all know what strength it takes to finally STOP WAITING.

I hope your message reaches others who are sitting on the fence ... waiting for a bus that ain't coming!

It can't be said enough - we never regret ending the affair, only that we waited so long.

Hugs,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: songs41
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 4:04pm
When I ended my A and entered into T, I had a real hard time thinking about all the degrading things I had done to keep the A going. One of the things my T told me is that I should think of my A as looking into a rearview mirror. Although those things in my rearview mirror may look scary I have passed them and they are behind me. I felt disgusting for a while until I would actually pretend as though I was looking in a rearview mirror and visualize myself as looking at those things getting smaller and smaller because thankfully I am not degrading myself anymore. The more you put good deposits into your life, the less you will think about how you let him treat you. Yeah, you may have settled for a while but not any more. You are wiser and stronger and JAM is a part of your rearview mirror. You don't ever have to go back if you don't want to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: songs41
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 6:07pm

Hi Songs- and welcome to EAS. You are not alone here. We've all done our fair share of waiting. Waiting for them to call, waiting for them to decide they can see you, waiting for them to email, waiting for them to say something meaningful, waiting for them to find some kind of clarity, waiting for the crap to hit the fan- because it always does. I am glad you realized this and took the step to end your A. Be strong now. Come here for support. We will help you weather the storm.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: songs41
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 7:23pm

Mom,

I really like your T. I like to look at things that way too. I think it is a great analogy. I did some pretty disgusting things myself, oh the lows are so sad and you will beat yourself to a pulp and feel dirty no matter how much you scrub yourself raw in the shower..I did that so many times. I still feel dirty some days. Not as much as I used to...but there are days. Its more about me and how I degraded myself countless times...it has little to do with him. Very little. Thank you for this post. You have really helped me.

Luvin

Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
In reply to: songs41
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 9:15pm

The analogy of a rear view mirror is a "pearl" for me - something I can carry in my pocket for the next few challenging days. I will actually print a little photo of a rear view mirror for my computer at work (workdays are when we'd talk every day).

The thing is I did this once before - when I was twenty in college. I can't believe I did it again.

SLOJ, luv, endings - thank you for your support. My energy now needs to be on myself - I need to become so strong and confident and energized by my own life that I never need look for happiness, approval, safety from a man again.