why did I wait?
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| Wed, 08-04-2010 - 12:08pm |
When my AP told me after 6 mths that he was commited to his marriage I waited for him to change his mind . . I hung in there.
When my AP left our workplace last august I waited for him to change his mind . . I hung in there even though we only saw each other once a month.
When my AP said he couldn't meet me more than maybe once every few months I waited . . . surely that time would pass quickly.
When my AP said he could no longer use his cellphone to contact me - it wasn't safe for him I waited . . . better to hear from him less than not at all.
When my AP returned after 7 days of vacation and admited he had chances to call me but didn't feel it was "right" I said enough is enough. I am done.
When my AP asked if he could call later today . . I said no.
What a stupid doormat I was - god I'm 43 and I have no self respect left. If I could crawl out of my own skin I would.
Don't wait as long as I did. Save yourself.
You can't compromise yourself - you are all you have.

Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Welcome Songs ...
The only thing I take exception to is this:
"god I'm 43 and I have no self respect left."
because you did this:
"When my AP asked if he could call later today . . I SAID NO"
This was the first glimmer of dignity and self-respect you have shown yourself. We all know what strength it takes to finally STOP WAITING.
I hope your message reaches others who are sitting on the fence ... waiting for a bus that ain't coming!
It can't be said enough - we never regret ending the affair, only that we waited so long.
Hugs,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi Songs- and welcome to EAS. You are not alone here. We've all done our fair share of waiting. Waiting for them to call, waiting for them to decide they can see you, waiting for them to email, waiting for them to say something meaningful, waiting for them to find some kind of clarity, waiting for the crap to hit the fan- because it always does. I am glad you realized this and took the step to end your A. Be strong now. Come here for support. We will help you weather the storm.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Mom,
I really like your T. I like to look at things that way too. I think it is a great analogy. I did some pretty disgusting things myself, oh the lows are so sad and you will beat yourself to a pulp and feel dirty no matter how much you scrub yourself raw in the shower..I did that so many times. I still feel dirty some days. Not as much as I used to...but there are days. Its more about me and how I degraded myself countless times...it has little to do with him. Very little. Thank you for this post. You have really helped me.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
The analogy of a rear view mirror is a "pearl" for me - something I can carry in my pocket for the next few challenging days. I will actually print a little photo of a rear view mirror for my computer at work (workdays are when we'd talk every day).
The thing is I did this once before - when I was twenty in college. I can't believe I did it again.
SLOJ, luv, endings - thank you for your support. My energy now needs to be on myself - I need to become so strong and confident and energized by my own life that I never need look for happiness, approval, safety from a man again.