Why is it ok to leave work for yardwork, dr's appts, kids, etc. but not for ME? He said he just couldn't -- his W would be calling him all day. I said, well avoid her! tell her you have meetings! Jesus -- is that hard -- you are already a liar -- take it to the next level! LOL
I think you are beginning to understand your real role in your XAP's life and it is hurting you. You were an option, a side bar outside of his RL. You helped him to escape from his real world and he did the same for you. Some men/women don't cheat because they are unhappy in their M, they do it because they can and they find a willing partner. I know my XAP would constantly tell me how much he loved his W. I thought that once he got a hold of a sexy younger chick who would demean herself and do anything for him he would change his mind. How wrong I was and selfish I was back then. What he had with his W was deeper and stronger than some outsider could ever give him.
I see I am the first to chime in here...going to be a little gentle, there are times for cyber beating but I am feeling like this is not one of them. My mind might change as I write this post.
I know the analyzing and obsessing. It consumes you. Its like having one of those little monkeys on your back that no matter how much you move, it just does not go away. I do not know your story. So I am going to respond to what you wrote as best I can and hope that it helps you with this obsessing. If you want to fill me in more, I can possibly give you more insight, your call.
The power issue-You gave your power away. You gave it all to him. Thats best how I can sum it up. We all have done it. Not faulting you but letting you know, you gave him this power and he took it and enjoyed it. Y you gave it to him and how you got in a A is part of why you gave him that power. I do not know the reasons...but almost all the time it is related to our self esteem issues. Other times, its a combo of that and daddy issues....something you need to figure out, I do not know enough to even make a call.
Your exAP sounds like he is a controlling person. He also sounds like he is a master manipulator. It also appears that the more he rejects or punished you, the more you lunged yourself at him and begged him for attention and acceptance. Rejection is a common theme round these parts as well. Something about those who reject us, we just can not handle it and so we do ANYTHING to over come it. Including txting in hallways and our kids rooms...talkin in front of the kids etc...risking life and limb for JAM who wont even return a damn txt message.
Him taking off work...those are his own issues, that is called manipulation as well, he may have been feeling guilty about missing work and its easy to blame you and so he did. Just like you made the choice to take his crap, he made the choice to leave work n have some fun and to feel better about it, he puts it on you. Again, manipulation.
Ok, this might hurt a little but needs to be said. U mattered very little to this man. He enjoyed you and your company and you stroked the hell out of his ego, and because he was the puppet master, he ate it up. U were never going to be "legitmate" in his eyes and you definitely were worth the risk-AS LONG AS IT WAS UNDER HIS TERMS and as long as he did not get caught.....which then involves little risk. And yes- he thought how dare you demand more...and really how dare you? That is his wife, his kids, his yard work...if you do not come before yard work momma, why would you ever even fathom being a legitimate reason to leave work. You were the secret, the filler. Sorry if that upper cut hits ya hard, but I had to wake ya up for this sparing session. let me know if I need to explain that.
Yes, what you are feeling is typical, and yes we all have been up at 5 am, a time a two or three...Hate is ok for now if that helps you stay NC, anger would be better, as long as you are also recognizing your own actions that contributed to your own demise. Easy to blame EXAP, but he only did what you allowed him to...think about it.
And yes, ITS OVER NOW, so try really telling yourself it does not matter. Nothing matters. No closure, nothing he said he matters. YOU MATTER and what you do from here on in matters.
Ok to the obsessing. You have to shift gears momma. If you need to obsess make a contract with yourself to do it for so long a day...and sitck to your contract....journal if that works for you and hubby cant get to it. Journal online if that is safe.....After a while you need to keep busy. Get busy with H and/or kids. But the obsessing will not heal you...it will only hinder you. But if you need to vent or purge it is good to do and of course coming here and postin. So try to focus. I used to say out loud-STOP!! If you can not do this, go in a bathroom and say it. Scream it in your yard. Affirmations work too. U know what works for you. Do it.
As much as I am sure it hurts, WAW and Luvin gave you solid answers to your the power question. Simply put, we handed it to them. Affairs have the tendency to crush our self esteem, because when we don't get what we "thought" we were going to get, we immediately crank up
Alice, I read your first paragraph and instantly recognized those feelings. Why do they have the power? Like the others have said, we gave it to them. We gave it to them because we were reaching out, trying to fill a void, trying to please.
I am here for you sweets. I know all the others here at EAS will offer some great adive and maybe some tough love but I am just going to give you my take on it.
I too constantly obsess over things with XMM. I thought about him and the A all of the time and gave him too much of my thoughts, last thought before bed, 1st thought upon waking. I tried to make sense out of it all and I still do. You mentioned the texting...BTDT. I would text XMM at all costs, would go into the bathroom, office, whatever. However for XMM texting during family hours was off limits. He would go on vacation and would barely even email me yet I would email him with H in the next room. XMM made it known that I was his M-F 9 to 5 beck and call girl. He never put forth the effort towards me like I did for him. Was much more of me giving myself to him, while for him, it had to be on his terms.
But ya know Alice, I let myself be that for him. I let him throw me the crumbs, let him have it all on his terms. It wasnt till I wanted to take the power back that I started feeling differently and then I started to see him in a different light. We shared intimate thoughts and feelings but when I look at the man he is, he is very insecure yet controlling, very passive yet very aggressive. He complained about his wife, how fat, how lazy and yet he is still with her. I understand he doesnt want to leave his daughter who still has 2 more yrs before college but if he is that unhappy yet he is staying, then dont complain!!!
Im tired of how this A has drained me, left me feeling like I have no self worth, nothing to offer. Get the control back Alice. Limit the time and effort that you put into thinking about your XAP. Put that focus onto YOU and healing YOU!!!!
The power in any relationship belongs to the one who cares less. It's really that simple.
I did all of that too - kept in constant contact while out of town on vacation - him? Maybe text a day when he was on vacation. First thought of him in a morning, last thought of him before falling asleep. While he was generally very affectionate and attentive, still I always wanted more, all that neediness and never feeling secure - and I used to think I am very independent person. And all of the sudden I was dying to have a validation from this man who just didn't care enough.
See, being independent (smart, sexy, successful, witty, funny - whatever) is very attractive. My own husband is still in love with me after so many years of us being together...but an x? As soon as it became too real - me crying and being miserable that he was not ready *yet* to walk out of his marriage to be with me full time - all of the sudden he was pulling away because it was way too intense for him. Oh wait, now as I ended it, I am so very attractive again...go away JAM, will ya??
My emotions are all over the place today...I miss him, then I hate him, then I just want this pain to go away, then I can't even think how I'm going to live my life without him - it's all so messed up, and I can't stop crying. Feel really, really weak today.
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Why is it ok to leave work for yardwork, dr's appts, kids, etc. but not for ME? He said he just couldn't -- his W would be calling him all day. I said, well avoid her! tell her you have meetings! Jesus -- is that hard -- you are already a liar -- take it to the next level! LOL
I think you are beginning to understand your real role in your XAP's life and it is hurting you. You were an option, a side bar outside of his RL. You helped him to escape from his real world and he did the same for you. Some men/women don't cheat because they are unhappy in their M, they do it because they can and they find a willing partner. I know my XAP would constantly tell me how much he loved his W. I thought that once he got a hold of a sexy younger chick who would demean herself and do anything for him he would change his mind. How wrong I was and selfish I was back then. What he had with his W was deeper and stronger than some outsider could ever give him.
Alice,
I see I am the first to chime in here...going to be a little gentle, there are times for cyber beating but I am feeling like this is not one of them. My mind might change as I write this post.
I know the analyzing and obsessing. It consumes you. Its like having one of those little monkeys on your back that no matter how much you move, it just does not go away. I do not know your story. So I am going to respond to what you wrote as best I can and hope that it helps you with this obsessing. If you want to fill me in more, I can possibly give you more insight, your call.
The power issue-You gave your power away. You gave it all to him. Thats best how I can sum it up. We all have done it. Not faulting you but letting you know, you gave him this power and he took it and enjoyed it. Y you gave it to him and how you got in a A is part of why you gave him that power. I do not know the reasons...but almost all the time it is related to our self esteem issues. Other times, its a combo of that and daddy issues....something you need to figure out, I do not know enough to even make a call.
Your exAP sounds like he is a controlling person. He also sounds like he is a master manipulator. It also appears that the more he rejects or punished you, the more you lunged yourself at him and begged him for attention and acceptance. Rejection is a common theme round these parts as well. Something about those who reject us, we just can not handle it and so we do ANYTHING to over come it. Including txting in hallways and our kids rooms...talkin in front of the kids etc...risking life and limb for JAM who wont even return a damn txt message.
Him taking off work...those are his own issues, that is called manipulation as well, he may have been feeling guilty about missing work and its easy to blame you and so he did. Just like you made the choice to take his crap, he made the choice to leave work n have some fun and to feel better about it, he puts it on you. Again, manipulation.
Ok, this might hurt a little but needs to be said. U mattered very little to this man. He enjoyed you and your company and you stroked the hell out of his ego, and because he was the puppet master, he ate it up. U were never going to be "legitmate" in his eyes and you definitely were worth the risk-AS LONG AS IT WAS UNDER HIS TERMS and as long as he did not get caught.....which then involves little risk. And yes- he thought how dare you demand more...and really how dare you? That is his wife, his kids, his yard work...if you do not come before yard work momma, why would you ever even fathom being a legitimate reason to leave work. You were the secret, the filler. Sorry if that upper cut hits ya hard, but I had to wake ya up for this sparing session. let me know if I need to explain that.
Yes, what you are feeling is typical, and yes we all have been up at 5 am, a time a two or three...Hate is ok for now if that helps you stay NC, anger would be better, as long as you are also recognizing your own actions that contributed to your own demise. Easy to blame EXAP, but he only did what you allowed him to...think about it.
And yes, ITS OVER NOW, so try really telling yourself it does not matter. Nothing matters. No closure, nothing he said he matters. YOU MATTER and what you do from here on in matters.
Ok to the obsessing. You have to shift gears momma. If you need to obsess make a contract with yourself to do it for so long a day...and sitck to your contract....journal if that works for you and hubby cant get to it. Journal online if that is safe.....After a while you need to keep busy. Get busy with H and/or kids. But the obsessing will not heal you...it will only hinder you. But if you need to vent or purge it is good to do and of course coming here and postin.
So try to focus. I used to say out loud-STOP!! If you can not do this, go in a bathroom and say it. Scream it in your yard. Affirmations work too. U know what works for you. Do it.
Hope I helped.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Alice~
As much as I am sure it hurts, WAW and Luvin gave you solid answers to your the power question. Simply put, we handed it to them. Affairs have the tendency to crush our self esteem, because when we don't get what we "thought" we were going to get, we immediately crank up
~Iddy~
Alice, I read your first paragraph and instantly recognized those feelings. Why do they have the power? Like the others have said, we gave it to them. We gave it to them because we were reaching out, trying to fill a void, trying to please.
Alice,
I am here for you sweets. I know all the others here at EAS will offer some great adive and maybe some tough love but I am just going to give you my take on it.
I too constantly obsess over things with XMM. I thought about him and the A all of the time and gave him too much of my thoughts, last thought before bed, 1st thought upon waking. I tried to make sense out of it all and I still do. You mentioned the texting...BTDT. I would text XMM at all costs, would go into the bathroom, office, whatever. However for XMM texting during family hours was off limits. He would go on vacation and would barely even email me yet I would email him with H in the next room. XMM made it known that I was his M-F 9 to 5 beck and call girl. He never put forth the effort towards me like I did for him. Was much more of me giving myself to him, while for him, it had to be on his terms.
But ya know Alice, I let myself be that for him. I let him throw me the crumbs, let him have it all on his terms. It wasnt till I wanted to take the power back that I started feeling differently and then I started to see him in a different light. We shared intimate thoughts and feelings but when I look at the man he is, he is very insecure yet controlling, very passive yet very aggressive. He complained about his wife, how fat, how lazy and yet he is still with her. I understand he doesnt want to leave his daughter who still has 2 more yrs before college but if he is that unhappy yet he is staying, then dont complain!!!
Im tired of how this A has drained me, left me feeling like I have no self worth, nothing to offer. Get the control back Alice. Limit the time and effort that you put into thinking about your XAP. Put that focus onto YOU and healing YOU!!!!
Im here, just an email away.
(((((HUG)))))
GMLB
The power in any relationship belongs to the one who cares less. It's really that simple.
I did all of that too - kept in constant contact while out of town on vacation - him? Maybe text a day when he was on vacation. First thought of him in a morning, last thought of him before falling asleep. While he was generally very affectionate and attentive, still I always wanted more, all that neediness and never feeling secure - and I used to think I am very independent person. And all of the sudden I was dying to have a validation from this man who just didn't care enough.
Aghh. BTDT, what can I say:)So glad it's over.
XOXO
Gone
See, being independent (smart, sexy, successful, witty, funny - whatever) is very attractive. My own husband is still in love with me after so many years of us being together...but an x? As soon as it became too real - me crying and being miserable that he was not ready *yet* to walk out of his marriage to be with me full time - all of the sudden he was pulling away because it was way too intense for him. Oh wait, now as I ended it, I am so very attractive again...go away JAM, will ya??
My emotions are all over the place today...I miss him, then I hate him, then I just want this pain to go away, then I can't even think how I'm going to live my life without him - it's all so messed up, and I can't stop crying. Feel really, really weak today.
XOXO
Gone
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