why did they have so much power?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
why did they have so much power?
13
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 7:34am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 10:17pm

I just wanted to comment what a wonderful thread this is. Such great insights from everyone, immensely helpful--albeit difficult to read at times because of the ugly truths. And Alice, as always, I completely relate to where you're coming from and am also going through the same emotional rollercoaster of loving-missing-hating-asking why. My xMM does sound quite a bit like yours; extremely manipulative in his crumb-throwing, yet in denial about just how manipulative he was. Maybe he did it unconsciously. I hope so, because it makes me sick inside to think he really was that cruel, and that I could have been played so hard by someone that awful.

Who knows? But I know one thing: The more of these hard truths we realize and come to terms with, the easier it becomes to move on. I will never look at xMM in the same light ever again. We work together, and now as I watch him become buddy-buddy with another female coworker (whom he has been friends with for years, but still, he has a pattern) in my absence, it just makes me nauseas. Wonder how he bided his time before me? Ouch :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 10:58pm

Awesome thread, Alice...so many truths to face.

And as has been posted before (and I keep reminding myself this), once the *realization* hits you (me) of how little we meant...we really cannot go back to the same place, now can we?

We see them in a different light. We see ourselves in a different light. Suddenly, as these "lights" come on...the magic disapates and the harsh reality is right there in front of us. Even initiating contact doesn't get the same results because we see them, and ourselves, differently than when the fog was thick.

I think then we start really craving that fantasy...because the reality of the A really doesn't look so good. And we KNOW we can never go back...because the fantasy has been destroyed. We cared more, he cared less. We made him a priority. He made us the option.

And one day, the memory/feeling of crushing rejection will overcome any desire to set ourselves up to be shot down (yet) again. And then...finally...we can move forward.

xoxo, Alice...and everyone...
Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 3:38am

Alice,

It all boils down to you being an option and not a priority!

Yes, we've read it a million times, and it still rings true! The family will always be the priority, and that might be because xap is a scared little boy worried whether Mommy will punish him if he doesn't do his chores! Xap's will always be little boys looking around the corner to see if Mommy is watching. They know they can always come back to the OW and pluck her off the shelf and bring her down for a moment of pleasure and ego boosting, and then they run right back to (the barn like a stable horse) doing the yard work like every other JAM on the block!!

Xap's really are not all that exciting if you think about it, or you will once you are completely out of the A fog. They are JAM! Actually, when I think about it, and maybe you too, it's rather disappointing that we held them so high on our priority list (right on top), and such a waste of time it was. Count the hours, days, months, years, that we wasted looking at our phones, texting, emailing, hiding, lying, and so much more.

The next time you wonder why xap couldn't or wouldn't take time off for you, remember he's JAM looking for a thrill and not much more. I know, it's disgusting that we did all we did and finally come to terms with where we were, how we got there, and where we are now. It's not that exciting now, but sure feels good with a clear head!

Be well, keep reading, asking questions and don't ever allow yourself to be put on a shelf. Keep your feet planted flat on the ground!

NC = No New Hurts

Hugs to you..

Mish

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