Why do i even care??????

Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Why do i even care??????
1
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 6:39am
I never loved this man. I love the man i married 18.5 yrs ago, the man i sleep next to every night & wake up with every morning.

I only knew XMM for a period of about 12 months & during that time we were seeing each other for about 3 months then a period of 4 months when he wouldn't speak to me over a misunderstanding then we saw each other for another 3 months until he moved away without even saying goodbye. I've heard nothing since he left despite that i've sent a lot of text msgs. I even tried to send an email but his email is no longer valid. Ours was mostly physical but never sexual until the last time i saw him 4 days before he moved. And it was nothing to pine over. It was as if he couldn't get away quick enough once he'd finished. H is a wonderful lover. Always thinking of me even when he doesn't need to. And yet i'm finding it difficult to move on. MM said to me once 'i hope you're not going to fall in love' to which i replied 'i hope not either'. He said 'but not enough to want to leave H' & i replied 'that will never happen'. Well i may have fallen for him but i never fell in love. I am married to a wonderful man. XMM could never compare. It was only ever meant to be a bit of fun. But i thought we were going to continue to keep in touch & still see each other. Instead i've heard nothing. Not even goodbye or sorry our day together didn't happen. That was supposed to be the last time we saw each other because his W was leaving a day ahead of him but plans changed. And i only found that out after i msg'd him to see what was happening. All i got in return was a msg saying he wasn't alone. I waited for a msg or a call saying goodbye & he'd be in touch when he could but haven't heard a single word. All of this together with the fact that i don't love him but am totally in love with my H should be enough to move on. But i'm having trouble. Trouble concentrating at work. I even spent Fri & yesterday in tears for most of the day. H knows about MM but he thinks he was just a friend. I told him i'm angry at myself for defending that friendship the way i did when MM obviously doesn't even care. I said i was angry at myself for believing he wanted to be my friend when maybe his lack of communication since he left meant that he really wanted more than i was offering. What else can i say to H. He'd be devistated if he knew the truth. The truth being that i'm angry with myself for allowing the A to go sexual when i resisted for so long because i wasn't sure i was ready to cross that line yet. I had my doubts & yet i still let MM fool me into thinking that he cared when the truth is that he was obviously in it for the hunt. MM said all the typical stuff. That he felt lucky to have met me. That he felt he'd met his soul mate. That he would miss me. That we'd be freinds forever not matter what.

There's a song that goes 'Shame on you if you fooled me once, shame on me if you fooled me twice.' Maybe that's what's wrong. Maybe i just don't want to admit to myself that i was fooled twice by this man. There's also a saying that goes 'actions speak louder than words'. Well MM's actions scream at me 'you're a sucker' & yet i still try to convince myself that there'll be a reasonable explanation some day soon. But the truth is i'm fooling myself.

I'm married to a wonderful man who adores me. So why do i even care about MM?

Just venting.

Kaz

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 9:10pm
It,s Withdrawl not caring and a lack of closure, just be glad you gotaway with as little harm as you have.

free