Why do I feel so guilty?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Why do I feel so guilty?
14
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 7:10pm

I was starting to get pull myself out of my funk this morning and when I get to work BAM there is an email from him. Like an idiot I read it. He says he is working on his M, misses me and wants to know how I am???!!! Am I upset???!!! I could kick myself for even reading it because all of pain came flooding back, I started to shake and wanted to just tell him off! Why would he feel the need to stab in the heart again? Why, after being NC, for more than two weeks does he suddenly feel the need to shove it in my face? I don't understand his thinking! Why would he so blatantly want to hurt me AGAIN?! Why not just let sleeping dogs lie and stop doing this to me?

I deleted it without responding and now I feel really guilty. I've never done that before with him and the "but but but's" are starting to fill my head again. Things like, 'is he just telling me this get a reaction out of me?' Why?! This guy BROKE my heart a thousand times, shoved me aside each time he got his fix. Why should I even care? All he will do is break it all over again. That has never changed...it's the same scene over and over again, so why would this time be any different right? So why do I feel so guilty?!

Please tell me these feelings will go away. :(

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 7:35pm

Stop beating yourself up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 7:42pm

I concur w/ victory's response...


We try to read into their behaviors and think the worse... and there are a lot of similarities to how we also 'behave' during NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2010
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 9:26pm

He says he is working on his M, misses me and wants to know how I am???!!!


Why do they feel the need to tell you they are WORKING ON THEIR MARRIAGE in the same f'ing sentence as I miss you and how are you???

Imustenjoypain!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 4:06am
I don't know if this is helpful but here's a male perspective on the email. 'Im working on my marriage' means - I don't want an affair anymore, It was wrong. He misses you - probably true. How are you? - means 'I hope its not just me in pain'. He shouldn't have sent it, I'm sure he didn't intend to cause pain. The thing is it did cause pain and he really should know that if he has any sense. Did you tell him that you wanted NC before he sent it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 4:29am

Thank you imust. Believe me, I came really close to shooting off that correct and appropriate response. Whew...so glad I didn't. Thank goodness I had a lot to keep me busy at work today. I cannot and will not go down that road again. Work is the only place I cannot block him. :(

Thank you to the others as well. I know in my heart that he didn't have evil intentions. It's just hard and it really hurts...ya know? I see clearly now why NC is so important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 5:12am
Thank you justanotherman for providing the male perspective. Did I tell him we were NC? No. He went NC on me without saying anything and I decided to block and walk because the pain was becoming too intense. It wouldn't have mattered if I told I wanted NC because he always broke it in the past when I have asked for it. He has told me this all before and I always let him reel me back in again. This time I am not...it hurts too much. I just want to get over this and move on once and for all. If he has chosen to work on his M that is fine...just leave me out of it and let me heal. Ya know? I'm not going to create any problems for him...I want him to leave me alone now and let me work on getting over the pain and move on with my life. Is that too much to ask?


Edited 1/28/2010 5:20 am ET by kilowatt2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 7:02am

I just realized after reading my posts that I may have been a little unclear. My xAP HAS told me in the past that he was working on his M when he contacted me. I would respond keeping it light and then we would end up flirting and boom, back in each others arms. If he is working on his M then why tell me and then flirt with me afterward. It doesn't make any sense to me. If that is his choice then he needs to not contact me at all and focus 100% on his M. Right? That is why I have chosen complete NC this time because I don't want to end up going down that bumpy road again where we are both left feeling confused and hurt. I hate that road. :(

So anyway, it's the mixed messages I get from him after he tells me he is trying to mend things at home that get me upset. It's the same story over and over with him. He starts with the "mending things" at home contact...I try to keep it light "just friends" thing...he would steer the conversations into flirting and then we are back in the same boat again. I've decided, that if he is not strong enough to focus on one relationship at a time then I have to be the strong one and go NC. It's bad for both of us if I don't. It keeps him from completely focusing on his M and it keeps me from putting this all behind me and moving on. Limbo is a place I don't want to live in anymore.

Hope this all makes sense now. My mind was not thinking clearly when I posted that vent yesterday. I want to start living my life and I can't do that if I am in a constant state of emotional upheaval. And that is exactly what "A's" do. They keep you in a constant state of emotional upheaval. No fun...no fun at all. Either it is or it isn't - there can be no in between.




Edited 1/28/2010 7:18 am ET by kilowatt2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 10:25am

I would respond keeping it light and then we would end up flirting and boom, back in each others arms. If he is working on his M then why tell me and then flirt with me afterward. It doesn't make any sense to me. If that is his choice then he needs to not contact me at all and focus 100% on his M. Right?


I think you know the answer to this but just in case you really don't. Affairs are addictive and M takes work. When some people hit a bump in their M they need a destraction. A temporary feel good (insert kilowatt in MM life there) and then they are back to working on their M. He is looking for the feel goods of the A to destract him from his real life. Living a real life is hard sometimes. It takes a lot of work to maintain a happy, healthy M and for some people it's easier if they just escape to something that gives them a temporary feel good every now and then, and then they go back to their M. Their M is good for a while and oops, another bump so they need that crutch (insert kilowatt in MM life again) to get them through. It is just like any other addiction. Except you are his drug of choice. You give him the self esteem boost without all the drama that comes along with every day life. The question is how long are you willing to be his crutch. If you really want him to focus on his M and you want to not be his unhealthy distraction. Go cold turkey, stay on EAS like your life depends on it and really block and walk. Right now you are on a yo-yo and he is calling you up when he needs his fix.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 11:56am

I took myself off the yo yo a few weeks ago and now I am just dealing with the hurt. I do feel terribly guilty, but I also know that it is the best thing I can do. There is no room for me if he is working on his M and I don't want to interfere with that in any way.

Just sad. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 2:49pm
Good for you for getting off the MM yo-yo. I have been there and the feel goods feel good for a while but they leave you desperate and lonely in the end. You can get rid of your guilt by realizing that the guilt you are feeling is because you feel like his savior. You are not his savior. He has made a choice to stay in his M for whatever reason. He is a big boy and can handle himself. You would be surprised at how well MM does when you are not around. He paints this desperate picture for you because he is just addicted as you are but if you were a fly on the wall in his real life you will realize that your place in his life is so small - actually a dot on the radar. Why sacrifice your self esteem to make him feel good. If he really wants to be with you and needs you tell him to put on his big boy pants, come and get you and allow the two of you to live together instead of pretending to his W that he is working on the M and calling you in secret. You are a whole woman who needs her own whole man. Don't feel guilty about doing what is right. The guilt should really come while you are in the A when you think about

Pages