Why do I feel so guilty?
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| Wed, 01-27-2010 - 7:10pm |
I was starting to get pull myself out of my funk this morning and when I get to work BAM there is an email from him. Like an idiot I read it. He says he is working on his M, misses me and wants to know how I am???!!! Am I upset???!!! I could kick myself for even reading it because all of pain came flooding back, I started to shake and wanted to just tell him off! Why would he feel the need to stab in the heart again? Why, after being NC, for more than two weeks does he suddenly feel the need to shove it in my face? I don't understand his thinking! Why would he so blatantly want to hurt me AGAIN?! Why not just let sleeping dogs lie and stop doing this to me?
I deleted it without responding and now I feel really guilty. I've never done that before with him and the "but but but's" are starting to fill my head again. Things like, 'is he just telling me this get a reaction out of me?' Why?! This guy BROKE my heart a thousand times, shoved me aside each time he got his fix. Why should I even care? All he will do is break it all over again. That has never changed...it's the same scene over and over again, so why would this time be any different right? So why do I feel so guilty?!
Please tell me these feelings will go away. :(

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"You are not his savior. He has made a choice to stay in his M for whatever reason. He is a big boy and can handle himself. You would be surprised at how well MM does when you are not around. He paints this desperate picture for you because he is just addicted as you are but if you were a fly on the wall in his real life you will realize that your place in his life is so small - actually a dot on the radar. Why sacrifice your self esteem to make him feel good."
Wow...thank you for pointing this out. Why didn't I think of this before? In the grand scheme of things I probably didn't matter that much. Oy...hard to take, but probably so true. He always made it seem like his life was so grand and would fill me in on all of the wonderful things he was doing. Yikes. I just realized something...I put him up on a pedestal. And now, if I think about it...wow, I've done that with others too - my whole life.
Thanks why_ask_why for the a-ha moment. I've discussed the pedestal issue recently with my T and it's something that needs a lot more thought.
Edited 1/28/2010 7:28 pm ET by kilowatt2010
I just wanted to give you my support also as I know it must be hard to have read that email.
You have been given alot of great advice!
I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and I hope you had a better afternoon.
Hugs
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