Why do I keep believing him

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Why do I keep believing him
6
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 2:24pm
He keeps telling me that he is leaving her to be with me. But something always happens and we have to "wait just a little longer." Why do I keep truly deep down believing him? Why can't I just see him for what he is...a liar????? Someone please help me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 2:57pm

Kelly, a friend of my youngest son (they're in their late 20s), when I asked him why men lie to women so much he said, "Because you're so willing to believe our lies."

A year or two ago, when my XMM dumped me (ugly word 'dump' -- but it's a good one to shake one into reality) one time (we dumped each other off and on for three years until I called it quits for good right before Thanksgiving). Anyway, my youngest came over unexpectedly and caught me crying (hard). He took me in his arms and patted me on the back (my son is a lot taller and bigger than I am) like a baby and said, "Let me get this straight: You had an affair with a married man." I said, Yes. He said, "You voluntarily had an affair with a married man." I blubbered, Yes. He said, "And now you think you are a victim?"

The only way to get him to "s or get off the pot" is to call a "NC" until he leaves his W AND files for divorce. And if he doesn't do either, you will know how he felt about you, and you can get on with the process of mourning and grieving and putting your life back together. Besides, Kelly, do you REALLY want to be with a man who cheats on his wife? Do you really want to be with a man who can throw his current wife away like a newspaper?

We've all been through what you're going through, to a greater or lesser extent. That's why we're here on this board. The situation is horrible, I know, and painful, and I feel for you. But you're not hooked on this man. You're addicted to how you feel when you're around this man.

Oh god, I sound like a broken record.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 3:09pm

Please see my reply post to you under your post to upsidedown....


cl-nre


P.S. I think you already see what MM truly is and it hurts you to face reality and set a firm boundary.......which you already know you need to do and stop the

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 3:14pm
I have done the NC thing. It lasts maybe a day. I just can't do it. I know I need to but just can't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 4:13pm

Kelly, you need to set the stage. Have a close GF on hand to talk to (or a therapist). Go out and buy your favorite food. Make some tea. (If you drink, have some good wine on hand -- I know, I know, but unless you're an alcoholic, this isn't going to kill you.) Buy some of your favorite chocolates. Rent some of your favorite movies. Warm up the house or get an snuggly blanket. You're going to be in a lot of pain for a few days (that intial acute pain where you're crying ALL of the time calms down in a few days), and you need to take care of yourself like you were 'ill.' Really need to baby yourself.

You're going to be a lot of pain. You're in pain now. What is WRONG with this picture? At least if you have "NC", there will be an end to the pain somewhere down the road.

And guess what? If he does -- by ANY remote chance -- leave his wife AND file for divorce AND come to you (three VERY separate actions), you get to marry a man you can NEVER, EVER trust.

It took me TWO YEARS to leave my XMM (and I never wanted him to leave his wife and he didn't want to leave his wife -- I didn't have that hope/option). I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy (not to mention that I didn't have any ovaries). Don't put yourself through that. The intial 'setting' of your 'broken' heart hurts like hell for a while -- then the healing begins.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2003
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 7:40pm
PLEASE read my message titles "Don't have an affair until you read this" (Of course I realize now that it shouldn't be in the "ending an affair" column with that title, but it IS relevant to ending...DO IT NOW! Read my message and END THE AFFAIR! The "love of my life" brought me so much heartache and pain I just wanted to die. Even if their wife finds out and leaves and persues a divorce HE WON'T NECESSARILY LET GO! We were "together" for about a year, but now he's back with her two years after the divorce. Please save yourself more years of pain!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 7:50pm

Denial, you don't want to deal with the truth you know, he has no intention ever leaveing his wife for you and will continue to string you along as long as you let him to get what he wants from you.

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