Why do the MM seem to get off so easy??!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Why do the MM seem to get off so easy??!
10
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:17pm
I'm so upset right now that I feel like quitting this second & walking out of this office. I really need to vent or else that's exactly what I'm going to do. I've been at this company ever since I was 18 years old! I come to work and do an excellent job everyday...I put a lot into my work. MM and I had been seeing each other for 3 years (he broke it off a couple months ago but now is saying he wants to be with me forever...blah blah blah). MM is my supervisor and ever since the owner of the agency found out about MM & I, MM has been getting so much extra special treatment (more accounts, going to more meetings etc)....but I have been getting the opposite. The owner barely talks to me anymore and now I find out that even the accounts that I have brought into the agency, I will no longer get paid on. They have hired a new girl and I went to lunch with her today, apparently she knew more than me. She will be taking over my accounts, her commissions are higher than mine and she will now be working with MM. It just doesnt make sense...it's like they want me out and are trying to push me out. MM says he didnt know anything about it and has begged me not to leave but there's nothing he can do about it. I'm so sick to my stomach...it's hard enough to try to end this affair especially now that he does not want to end it. I'm losing so much over this and he is just gaining. I don't understand how after all this...I can still love him. What kind of sick person have I become???? It's silly but I'm even jealous that this new girl is working with him now and can't seem to stop thinking that he'll just do this with her and everything he's told me in the past 3 years, he'll be telling her. Am I that replaceable??

Thanks for letting me vent..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:21pm
Oh I just wanted to add that I didnt mean that ALL MM get off easy...I know it's not easy on anyone in an affair, but in my case it just seems like as much hell as he's going thru right now...his world did not really get ripped apart like mine is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:31pm
It does appear from reading a lot of posts here and on the A board that in EMAs that most of the time the MMs call the shots on the relationship. When it's on, when it's off, depending on if they're feeling guilty or horny. And the OW, whether married or not, takes the hit, it's her fault, and she's left with her emotions shattered in a million pieces with no one (but this board) to help her put her life back together. Sorry I don't have a lot of advice, but you're right. I'd get another job and do something good for yourself and your self esteem.

Hugs

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:37pm
Want my advice????? I would give it two weeks and do the best job you can. During the next two weeks, I would gather as many documents to prove how badly you've been treated by this company as a result of this A. Then, without any warning I would hand in my letter of resignation, go straight to my attorney's office and file sexual harrassment charges against the company.

He is your supervisor??? I'd own that company by the time I got through with them, let them run it and take some much needed time off and STILL GET PAID FOR IT!

JMHO

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:46pm
Hey Moni99x,

That sounds like an aweful situation you are in. Good for you that you are not walking out the door. If I am getting all the facts from your post, I would say that your company has decided to "give you an incentive to leave". If there really are re-allocating the business you have cultivated to other persons/groups, I think you really need to start working FULL TIME on finding another job!

I don't mean to add stress to your life, but the things you mention worry me. The MM in your company probably has strong ties with others in your company and that leaves you unprotected as the person they might want to get rid of to eliminate office rumors of your relationship and other time wasters that hinder productivity.



My advice would be to focus several hours a week on finding a new job. DIstance yourself from MM. Are there any positions within the same company that would put distance between you and the people you currently work most with? If so, ask for an internal change right away (and then continue looking outside the company if you want). I realize you still are in love with MM, but forget that right now. If the two of you are meant to be together, that will happen sometime down the road.

Good luck & use caution,

TaniaML

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 4:11pm
Movingforward,

I like the way you put it... "When it's on, when it's off, depending on if they're feeling guilty or horny". That is so right. When he's guilty he completely pushes me away but then the next day, he'll be telling me how much he needs me and loves me...when really all he's saying is "I'm not getting any at home so that's why I need you". I will get out of here as soon as I can, nomatter how scared I am.

Thanks!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 4:25pm
Hi Moni,

I think a double standard exists in the workplace where men's ethically questionable behavior is excused and the same behavior in women gets punished. I also think that if you are starting to feel like your company is trying to force you out, then you have to trust your instincts, because its probably true. In sticky situations its easy for people to try to make someone into a scapegoat, and then the next easy step is to just try to get rid of the 'problem'. If in fact they are trying to push you out because of your relationship with your married manager, that doesn't sound legal. But, you have to be realistic. It sounds like you work for a small company, and I've found that small companies don't have the HR rules and regulations that alot of big companies do. If you worked for a big company (like I do) they would be all over this. In fact, in my company my MM and I would have BOTH been fired if we were found out (I didn't report directly to him but he was a manager in my organization and therefore part of my review process). IF you value your job and want to keep it, find out if there is an HR person that you can talk to about the situation. Maybe you could get moved to a different group. And i know you care about MM, but don't expect him to help you, because it doesn't sound like that's in the cards. In situations like these, you need to take care of yourself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 4:36pm
Hi GT,

I always enjoy reading all your posts!! I wish I was that gutsy!! or at least had a friend that could support me with this. As much as I know how unfairly the owner is treating me especially compared to MM...I could not go thru opening up the last 3 years of my life to other co-workers, friends and definetly to my family (my father & mother would both have heart attacks)!! It almost seems like people accept and kinda expect married men to have affairs but they think the woman are just sluts with no emotions(even if the woman is single and not deceiving anyone who she claims to love).

Anyway, thank you for your reply. I'm sure I'll think back on this years later and wish I took your advice.

Have a nice night!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 4:48pm
Hi TaniaML,

thanks for your reply. I have been looking for another job but havent really worked on it as much as I can. It just hurts going thru this "somewhat ending" of the affair and then have a company that you've been loyal to for almost 10 years just kick you while your already down. I am glad that I did not walk out earlier (I would be broke in a matter of days)!! I will work the hardest I've ever worked on getting a new, BETTER job and hopefully I'll slowly fall out of love with MM and forget about this office.

Thanks again!

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 5:21pm
YES YOU WILL!! Because when I was 21, I wish I had handled things differently when I went through it. I had a boss come onto me at a very vulnerable time in my life. He was a partner in the firm and all I had to do was breathe the word harrassment and the treatment of me changed for the better. Had it not, I would have left and sued. Whether or not you want to pursue it, you are in the exact same situation. Don't bury your head in the sand like I did. There is absolutely no excuse for a MM who is your supervisor to have done this, no excuse whatsoever!

Good luck.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 1:31am
Moni, I was exactly where you are now, with a few minor (but important) differences. I will focus on what we have in common though. I too was involved with my supervisor. Five months into our relationship he was moved to another department and promoted. I wound up getting a better job somewhere else and more money too.

I know how hard it can be when the guy is your boss. I know how hard it can be to move on and not see him everyday. Today I have reached eleven weeks. It's just a few days since I've begun to feel normal again. I no longer cry every day. I get sad sometimes, but it isn't raw. I think of him every day, but a tear doesn't come to my eye every time I do. My emotions really are a lot more under control now. I'm not crying at the drop of a hat anymore. I'm actually beginning to feel indifferent!

You sound raw now. These thoughts about the new girl and how he'll do everything he did with you with her, don't go there. Just stop those thoughts. They don't help.

You definitely need to find a new job. Concentrate on getting a better job. If you've been with the company for ten years you must know what you're doing, and I bet you're really good at it. I bet you can find a better job if you just put some energy into it.

Three years is a long time to put up with less than you deserve. Don't let it go on for one more day. You deserve much, much better. We all do.