Why do MM's cheat?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Why do MM's cheat?
11
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 8:40am

I was reading on another board last night and ran across a thread that peturbed me because although some of the responses to "Why do MM's cheat" were humerous, there was one that got to me BIG time. She (btw, a very intelligent gal who I respect) said,

"Men cheat not only because they think they can get away with it, but because they consider the OW as punishment for a wife that pays them little attention, or gets fat, or does not want that "thing" poking at her anymore. It's all part of the marriage drama."

You know, after reading this I immediately thought of my XMM because he used the same excuses (but not at first, mind you.) BUT.....NOW thinking about ME being HER punishment actually makes HUGE sense to me. I can't tell you all how many times I felt disregarded, an afterthought, a burden; was this because things were better at home that particular day?/week/or month?

Anyway, how do *YOU* feel about the above statement? Anyone agree with this? Could we have just been the wife's punishhment? Certainly sounds like something a disgruntled, not getting his way man would justify it. And when things ARE better at home on a more consistant basis, is that when the MM decides to pull the affair plug?? (outside of the guilt they finally start to feel).

WERE/ARE we just pawns on the marriage chessboard? Your thoughts would be appreciated,

Id

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 9:03am

I'm not really sure how to answer but I do agree with what the woman said for some situations.

My xMM had been separated for two months when we started talking to each other (she left him). We talked about a week, and then they met up at his parents house for 4th of July so that he could be with the kids, etc. She started crying and wanting to work on things, so he took her back. He stayed about a week, and then she kicked him out and he moved to his parents. That's when our A started. It lasted for the four months that he lived at his parents. He moved back home because he missed his kids. That is what he told me, and it doesn't matter really if I believe that or not since it doesn't change anything. So I'm not sure if I was punishment for her. I don't really think so in this situation as I told him that I couldn't continue with the A if he was living at home with her and the kids. He actually made that decision first, and we went back and forth with an EA up until Feb when I finally said that I couldn't even do that - it just hurt way too much - and I came here :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 9:20am

<<>>

I agree. Your situation was different. All the same, I appreciate your imput.

<<>>

You have a good heart and backing off was the best decision, although I know a painful one.

Peace,

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 10:50am

I could see that happening because I think that is why I got into the A. My H had no interest in sex, little interest in me. I felt justified and angry and if he wasn't going to be there for me then he had no right to care if someone else was. In fact I didn't care if it hurt him because he had hurt me so many times. He didn't want sex and tried to make me feel like there was something wrong with me for wanting it, I felt so rejected.

As for the xmm he just couldn't resist the sex. From the very beginning he told me I have done this before, there are no happy endings, he had guilt issues the whole time. He was always mad at himself for cheating even though he was not totally happy with his wife. We were close emotionally and it was so easy to cross the line. We still want to be friends, but like he says we ruined our friendship.....

kc

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 8:52am

They probably cheat for a myriad of reasons - I'm guessing it's because either something is lacking in the marriage or in the person who does the cheating. In my case, I believe MM has intimacy issues (not talking about sex). He and his W do not communicate well. It's a long term marriage and they both take each other for granted. For him, his W is attractive, and does everything for him - cooks, cleans, does the laundry, pays the bills, works full time too. She tolerates him going out and coming home late or not at all and his only repercussion of that is a cold shoulder for a few days. So the passion is not like what it used to be. Big deal. Certainly with all that she is and all that she does, it's not a reason for him to leave, but he cheats on her. Why?

I found out a while back she made a comment to him that hurt him. I honestly think cheating was a revenge tactic. But, I also found out that he cheated on her when they first got married. And now he's cheating with me. Am I to believe there was no one in between? He is a very flirtatious type.

The whole A started out with him putting restrictions and limitations on us right from the get go. He wished he hadn't met me when he did - he wants to wait till his son (who's 16) is 18 and done with high school. He told me he loved me right away. Hello? You don't even know me! He told me everything I wanted to hear. That he will never lie to me, to trust him. That he is a man of his word. And on and on.

Well, it's been only 5 months. I've learned a lot in 5 months. I am getting ready to end it. And it's all over his garage. That's right. His garage- LOL. The story?

A few years ago, the town he lives in had a propery reassessment. After that, he rebuilt his garage and increased the size of it quite a bit. This garage houses his prize possession - an older model car he has worked on and had for many years. Not to mention tools, etc. This garage is separate from the house. "His" space.

He built this garage himself. It took a while, but he put his own money,and sweat into it. Just a few years ago, remember? Now, if you were planning on leaving your wife, why would you build the garage of your dreams? If you had divorce in mind, wouldn't you not want to add any value to a property or build something on it that you could possibly lose through divorce? My guess it that when that garage was built, he wasn't planning on going anywhere.

And, he has told me he doesn't have a bad marriage. They don't fight all the time. He doesn't say anything bad about her. Just that the marriage is dead. That they just co-exist under the same roof. Do separate things, etc. No passion, etc. O.K., not a reason to divorce, but maybe a reason for him to justify having an A? He's bored? Having a mid-life crisis?

So, between his W doing all she does for him and getting whatever is missing in his life (or so he thinks) from me, he gets it all. And what do I get? Scraps. Bits and pieces of a person I hardly get to see. We don't even talk on the phone much.

But he tells me he loves me - yeah, right. I have finally realized what is the truth. He will never leave her, not for anyone. He is a cheater and always has been. He is real smooth, knows all the lines. Knows what to say and how to hook you and try to keep you in it. He keeps telling me he doesn't want to hurt me.

There is only one way not to hurt someone in an A - you leave the other person. When you say that is what you intend to do, you do it. I have seen all the red flags and ignored them, wanting to believe there was some truth in what he's told me.

Sadly, I now know what the truth really is. He never intended to leave her. When I say goodbye, he will be looking for his next victim. In this case, there is nothing wrong with his marriage, there is something wrong with him. He is cheating himself and his W out of a great M. He has a problem.

I am just glad that I only put in 5 months of this. I, fortunately, was not going to go into this for the long haul, being strung along with empty promises, waiting and waiting for what I know will never happen.

And, quite frankly, if he ever does divorce his wife and I am still available, I would never go back to him. I would have trust issues and wonder if he would cheat on me. I wouldn't do all that she does for him, and tolerate what she does. I want someone who can do more for themselves, and is ready for a committed R. I don't want to be someone's mommy in a R. And I don't want to have to pull teeth to have a conversation, or be with anyone who is emotionally distant.

So, why do they cheat? In my case, major character flaws.

Long post, but hope it gives some insight.

Fire

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 9:45am

<<>>>

Are you in the process of ending your affair? Or is it already over? I just wanted to comment on how insightful your post *IS* and how you touched upon many "realities" that most OW's sweep under the rug ( along with their counterparts ;) As I have written before, most MM are very satisfied with their marriages, and although they are initially swept away with the newness of fresh blood, and (ego reinforcement), they have no intention of EVER leaving their wives. You caught on much sooner than most.

<<>>

I was in my affair for two years before this realization even hit me. "What if I did end up with him someday? Would I ever trust him?" Rolling this over in my brain was uncomfortable to say the least, and I kept trying to convince myself, "But HE is different." Yes?...um....NO! (During our affair I found emails to another OW, that he broke off with when he starting boinking me.) That was the clincher. My innocent, sweet, sexually depraved MM (No intimacy in his marriage either?), was a liar that I could *now* confirm. (Yeah, I think passion completely blinds us)!! I never told him that I knew. I used it as a personal fueling agent in my efforts to rebuild my resolve for dumping his butt. (That, and a ton of other realizations that came to the forefront over time).

<<>>

I have to agree with you on this, but unfortunetly the same applies to us women/men who picked up with in the first place. Something unhealthy in us was attracted to something unhealthy in them. With time and distance, I was able to find out what that was.

Thanks for your response and good luck in whatever direction you are now heading,

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 10:06am

fire,

how true, not only for men but for women also, fo anyone for that matter

it seems like ur MM and my OW ( hey i said mine, just a syntax) have the same problem, they never will leave, they are content and they occassionally have affairs to fill the boredoom, get some excitement

whatever reason , the truth is they dont want to be with us, if they did we would not be in this board ...... right

take care, i enjoyed reading your post

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 11:01am

The post you quoted was accurate for some MMs. And MWs, too.


I believe that many affairs are a combination of a case of the little head controlling the big head and the momentary opportunity to have access to a willing partner. I believe many emotional affairs are also a combination of mis-directed attentions with again a willing ear.


I myself was strictly a physical affair person, so I don't speak as an authority on emotional affairs, merely my observation of the dynamics espoused on this board by those involved.


There seems to also be a certain number of people, both women and men, who are clearly involved in affairs simply for variety and the thrill of getting away with something, having no intention of leaving their spouse.


I believe that at the bottom of these affairs there is an ongoing attempt to alleviate some sort of inner pain at whatever possible means, even to the point of jeopardizing the primary relationship, just to get the "fix"..... why else would the affairs become so addictive?


jmho,


cl-nre


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 11:43am

<>>

ITA. Thus my remark about something unhealthy in us being attracted to something unhealthy in them. That *IS* the irony in where one's attempt to alleviate that inner pain only enhances and prolongs such agony if chosen solutions are of a destructive nature; i.e. alcohol, drugs, and sex. Their are studies going on now to throw infidelity into the mix, but for obvious reasons, the process for gaining proof is severely hampered. Oh well...OOObladee, OOObladaa, life goes on... ;)

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 11:50am

In the process of ending it. I was never comfortable with it from the beginning. My ex cheated on me and left me for someone else - he went on to marry her. I had dated and had a couple of bad R. Said all the good ones were M - LOL. Met him at work. He approached me. Told him I didn't date MM. He pursued me. Curiousity got the cat and there I was.

I was told the usual. He wants to leave his wife. He felt this spark with me and just had to get to know me. The excitement of the newness, the secrecy, it was incredible. The fantasy of it all. I got caught up in it.

Then the Holidays came and I was alone. That killed. The first 3-4 months we had a lot more contact, but this last month, the newness has been wearing off and reality has set in. We have had enough conversations for me to get a pretty good idea of his past, his relationship with his parents, his upbringing, etc.

He married very young. He was abused by his mother as a child. He left home at 18 and lived with another family to replace what he wasn't getting at home. He married his W for the family she had. He didn't grow up in a loving atmosphere. Real intimacy issues.

His cheating may be based on that he doesn't respect women - getting back at his mother. He married someone who is loving and does for him what his mother didn't do, but he isn't in love with her. He may be cheating to constantly get approval, acceptance, love and affection from women - something missing in his childhood. I may be playing psychoanalyst here, but I don't think I'm that far off the mark.

He admits his W hasn't done anything wrong, that HE didn't marry the wrong person. He told me recently that he almost staged an arguement so that I would get mad at him and break up with him so I wouldn't be hurt by staying in the R. I asked him why he didn't do it. He said it was because he loved me and didn't want to lose me. Maybe he just wanted to get off the hook.

He claims to hate the lies and the guilt and stress of being in an A. That he raised his own children not to be liars and here he is, being one.

One thing I don't think he counted on, is that when he first got into this A, that he would develop real feelings for me. I think he has. I think he wants to feel like the good guy and try to get me to be the one to break it off so he doesn't have to feel so bad. He didn't intend to really feel anything. Regardless, I don't believe he will ever leave his W. And I will not wait around for him to make up his mind about it.

And, with the issues he has, I fear I will never be able to trust him. I will never be the person his W is to him, nor do I want to be. Being a single mom, I already do everything she does, but I am not looking for someone to hop on the gravy train and take me for granted. I'm independent, not stupid.

I am expecting to hear from him Monday. I guess that is the day it all ends.

Keep you posted.

Fire

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 12:07pm
I think you and I have/had the same MM. He did the same to me except he did leave W for me and now he's gone back to her. In my mind he didn't give us a chance but I think he realized that I wasn't going to do the same for him that she did. I'm not going to baby any man, BTDT. I'm glad that you realize this after 5 months therefore you get the opportunity to leave him, I stayed around for over 2 years and then he left me when life was starting for us together. good luck and as they say, NC is the only way.
LilRocket

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