Why do they come back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2011
Why do they come back?
13
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 8:54am

I blocked everything except a social/professional site that does not allow for blocking.

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Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 9:10am
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Hello Luvingme,
Thank you so much for posting this. First I have to say, I love your name. LuvingME. Yep. That is what you are doing by taking your life back and getting far away from the A-hole. It sounds like your xap is heavily addicted to ego-stroking. Even when he got caught, it still was not enough for him to not go back to the slippery slope. YOU are making great strides!! You have a sponsor here on EAS? Good for you! It is very important that we have someone as an accountability partner...someone who we can talk to off the board. Do you go to T? I am not too familiar with your story, are you M?
You have identified your feelings with this latest fishing attempt - you miss him. You can admit that. But, you have walked! :) :)
So, what day in January did you end? I will keep track and I will be giving you your wings since you have made it to Tweener status (you did NOTHING wrong here with this latest attempt to communicate - he fished, you did not).
I am so proud of you, Luvingme. You are posting here and that is exactly the right thing to do. We will support you through this!
Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 9:51am
Hi Luvingme, my xAP, who also "loves his W and has a great life" fished at the 4 month point too. It was designed to look like he was referring me some business.

I also thought I was "happily married" when my 2 year started. For me, and I have to assume for xAP too, it was more about my own voids and trying to fill those. Didn't really have *that much* to do with my M.

Kudos to you. I responded that fishing attempt and ended up trying to be friends for a few months. Which is painful and futile. I am now almost 4 months NC again.

love and strength to you
Rain
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2011
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 9:52am

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2011
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 9:55am
I agree. It's our own voids. Plenty of people in unhappy marriages don't have affairs. They get divorced or they just accept the what is. I have looked at my own ego stroking problem too. It's all just one big ego stroke no matter how you slice it!

Not going back either. don't want to restart the clock! Good for you-
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 10:08am

Mornin' Luvin :)

I guess we can't ever know what goes on in another's mind and can only project onto them what we know.


Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 10:21am

It's that gray area, between logical thinking and the hysterical emotional feel goods, that get us.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 4:38pm

I can tell you that just because a person has an A, it doesn't mean that they have a bad partner or in a bad M. I was M to a serial cheater for years. He has been re-married to someone who I think is a wonderful woman and he is still cheating. A bad M doesn't make you cheat. Bad character flaws does. He came to you and before the A started and knew that you were a woman who would settle for crumbs from a MM and he is still trying to come back because he is still broken and a liar who thinks you are still that woman who thinks she doesn't deserve anyone better than a MM. Every time he comes trying to get you to throw aside your self-worth he disrespects you, his W and he doesn't think you love yourself enough to not be someone's dirty little secret. You have decided to stay M for the next seven years and that is your choice. This doesn't mean that you have to allow yourself to enter into another dysfunctional relationship such as an A. Once you get healthy, truly healthy you will realize that it doesn't matter if you are in a bad M; it doesn't matter why he continues to solicit women to cheat with; what matters is that you are a healthy human being who won't settle for being hidden.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 8:06pm
I love your name.,,,guess you know why. Hope you continue to love yourself and keep on keeping on.

I asked this same question years ago out of my A after a fishing attempt. Iddy wrote me this response. I hope it helps you.

I miss her so much

Iddys words...

You've brought up a good point, and because I am still able to see how my XMM behaves because we work so closely, I've been able to learn a great deal about him post A. I am positive that the way his mind works would apply to any MM who has had more than one A. I could sum it up in one sentence; They are very insecure people.
Xmm has consistently, over the years, talked about all the good deeds he has done for strangers and "mostly women", and how he was "Oh so tickled" that they were appreciative and grateful. I doubt he tells me this stuff to make me jealous because he *knows* I am so over him, but he still needs to get that high from some pretty gal who'll think he's the nicest man..... I just sit there rolling my eyes because it is so transparent and juvenile. I really don't think the man ever grew up emotionally. He is still 25 emotionally in a 58 year old body. He thrives on having his ego fed and will do just about anything that will make him feel bettr about himself. Interesting enough though, , that he always thought of himself as a loser, a failure, and a screw up. Hmmmmm....
Affairs for many men are like owning their very own candy store. They not only get their eye-candy fill, but they can also feed their shrinking egos on a daily basis. If it wasn't us they cheated with, it would have been the next gal willing to play. This is why we were NOT special.....we were simply available....
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 8:08pm
Clairty,

You can not be cheating on me with this gal just cuz she has a similar name! Lol...imagine that, any of us cheating.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 9:33pm

Oh no!

Every now and then similar names show up and confusion rains!


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