Why do they stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Why do they stay?
1
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 9:57pm
My sister turned me onto ivillage and I am amazed to be connecting with so many in similar life situations. Reassuring, comforting, and kinda weird all at the same time!

I am spinning out currently on the question of why my MM (or any MM) stays in what he admits is a passionless marriage. He says it is for the kids - but I question what lesson exactly he is teaching the kids (13 and 16 year old boys). He moved out of his home twice to be with me, only to return a couple of months later each time after his wife threatened the moon and stars (and no contact forever with his boys if he ever let me out of the closet).

We have gone as long as 7 months with NC. Contact again revealed that we were still in love etc. etc. We had no sex, but maintained contact for another 6 months until he went into couples counseling with his wife (they don't talk about "it" - ever). That was 4 months ago.

Again,I have failed. This last weekend I called. He called back. We spent 7 hours together labor day as his family was out of town. All the same feelings remain. Again, nothing has changed. But we met knowing that it must be a one time thing and that we would have to go back to no contact again until......

So, I am afraid of what you might respond - I am so naive, etc. But I just don't get why when he is so sure of his love for me (this is his first time in love) he refuses to take the plunge.

I did divorce over our A. My husband and I are great buddies today. We had no kids - just 2 dogs that stayed with me. I have done everything in my power to move on and have been fairly successful at it. But the NC just kills me. Every day.

Any wisdom, support, insight would be so appreciated!



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 8:37am
Fear. Of change, of the unknown, of losing daily contact with your kids... Lots of things. And also, he stays because you are allowing him to. As cl-noregretsever can tell you, if he *really* wants to be with you, and if he knows that the absolute only way that can ever happen is for him to have those divorce papers -- he will find a way to do it!!! But be careful what you wish for; if you hang around here long enough you'll learn a lot of things, including the fact that statistically your relationship would have something like an 80% chance of failing if the two of you did end up together.

Good luck to you! Letting go is a difficult thing to do, but ultimately that is what all of us here need to do in order to find peace.