Why do we break NC?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Why do we break NC?
14
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 12:49am
First, I'm so thrilled to have found this board. Everyone here is so supportive, thoughtful and positive ... I have increasing confidence that I can get through this time (and worrying after reading all the messages that the time will be longer than I had hoped). Thank you all for your caring and effort to share your wisdom.

I've been reading the board and feeling my own responses today (as I broke NC). Something that puzzles me over and over again is why we break NC when we're getting nothing useful for ourselves in return? I receive an occasional email from my MM, looking for a fix of emotion. And, ridiculously, I feel compelled to respond...and get nothing in return for my offering. I end up feeling so empty and vulnerable. You'd think I would have learned the first time, or the second time, or the third time. Is this just some kind of unfortunate Pavlovian response? Is the addiction to the A chemicals (those lovely doses of dopamine and norepinephrine) still there distorting my vision and behavior? God, I just feel so stupid some days.

Why do we break NC when there's nothing good to be gained?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 8:33am
I think it is as simple as not being ready or willing to really *let go*. As long as we have any kind of interaction, we are clinging onto some piece of the A. We are also ensuring that the other person won't forget about us, which I think is a big hidden fear people have when they end an A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 8:54am
Thanks for responding this morning. The next question entered my head in reading your reply. So, if you're right and I'm not ready truly to let go, when will I be ready and how do I get to that point? My sense is that it will happen naturally...I'll be left so unsatisfied and, at times, humiliated by the contact that it will begin to hurt more and more to reach out. And when the hurt gets big enough, I'll stop. Is that what eventually happens, or is there another way to work through the contact thing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 10:02am
soreinside, unfortunately I don't think it comes naturally at all. It has to come from your own resolve. You have to constantly remind yourself that it is time to let go, that there is nothing to be gained from hanging on. You have to fight the urge when it strikes, one day at a time at first. Soon you will realize that yes, you really ARE ready to let go, and even if you have the occasional weak moment when you really want to break NC -- you'll be able to remind yourself that you have worked too hard and come too far to go backward now.

Don't wait for it to just happen naturally. It is not easy at first, but you will be so proud of yourself once you work through it. Some simple things that got me through the beginnings of no contact: writing letters to XMM that I never sent; wearing a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it whenever the urge to contact him struck; posting and reading here for reminders about why to stick to NC; setting goals for NC -- ie., I'll get through today without contacting him, I'll get through this week without contacting him; YOGA!!!!!! Taking up yoga was key for me; it is all about living in the MOMENT. I don't know if it is a human thing, a woman thing, or an American thing, but we all definitely seem to have an in-born hang-up about moving on and letting go of the past. But we'll never find peace if we don't learn to let go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 11:59am
Sore - what a great post. It conjures up so many thoughts and feelings within me! I have to agree it does NOT make sense why we continue to stay involved in a relationship that honestly brings SO little to us and ultimately we end up feeling sad about. I had a REGULAR pattern while in my A - you could COUNT on the different ups and downs... I'd be excited at the thought of getting to see MM (as I was yesterday) - then I'd see him and it would be good but I'd leave feeling like something wasn't fulfilled... it wasn't all I thought it was going to be or could be... that night I'd feel somewhat sad and would be missing him - ONLY BECAUSE I'd never got what I was needing from him when I was with him - so OFCOURSE I STILL missed him - I could have spent a week with him but I'd walk away from it feeling sad and like I missed him because it/he would NEVER fulfill me - not because he couldn't but because he CHOSE not to! Then the next day to a week I would be sad and wonder why he seemed to be pulling away - why when I'd try to contact him he wasn't there for me... because it WASN'T his priority - I WASN'T his priority! Then... the pain would start to subside just in time for him to pop back into my life and start the whole thing over again!

My theory... LOL is this... these As can NEVER be fulfilling - NEVER will feel like they've started or ended because they never really do! It's not like a normal relationship where you get involved with someone and the relationship has this wonderful opportunity to evolve into a fulfilling safe haven. As never really have a chance to BE and therefor we don't know how to UNbe or end something that was never really there in the first place. Okay maybe all that doesn't make sense but envision this... think back to the last time you were looking forward to being with MM... the excitement of seeing him and anticipating the time together - just KNOWING it was gonna be so fulfilling and everything you've been waiting for... then you spend time with him and whether due to your expectations or his guilt or your uncertainty whether you should REALLY be there or not... or with the subconcious reminder that it will never be more than this weasleing his way into your time - SOMETHING keeps that time from being ALL it really can be! Then once you finally feel like you can't take it anymore and you don't understand why really because you know you love him and you hate the thought of being without him - nothing has REALLY gone wrong... he hasn't "cheated" on you, he hasn't been mean to you in a literal way, and so it seems there isn't a legit reason to walk away - but there IS!!!!!! you aren't fulfilled - he may not be fulfilled either but a) he'd rather get the little bit than nothing - cause it's a break from his life b) he IS still getting something from his home life whereas (especially for those of us that are single) we aren't getting much outside of him and c) he's a man... and honestly he doesn't need as much as we need!

So... my point is... how can something that was never really allowed to begin, live and evolve ever feel like more than 1/2 ass (sorry - couldn't think of any other words! LOL) and why are we surprised that it's super hard to walk away from something that doesn't really die, go wrong or reach a point of conclusion!?!?!?!

Boy, I'm philosophical today, aren't I? Honestly I've thought about all that alot so that's why I had so much to say!

and then finally Sore - as May said - you get to to a point where "you'll be able to remind yourself that you have worked too hard and come too far to go backward now." THAT is where I am... and why the option to possibly meet up with exMM today is such a hard decision for me. Do I REALLY want to undo all the work and progress I've made the last 4 months? Do I want to have to go through the past 4 months all over again? WHY would I do that to myself? For 60 minutes of UNfulfilling time with him? WHAT do I think I'm gonna get from it? I should already feel like I win cause he still wants me to meet him... what more do I need? LOL

Anyway... I'll shut up now... just thought I'd share my thoughts... do what you want with them! :p

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 12:13pm
Endless smiles...seeing one's own feelings spread out over a (remarkably detailed)e-page, written by someone else, is so amusing. It's a great comfort to me to see that I'm not unusual, my situation isn't special, my feelings aren't unique. We're predictable creatures in many ways.

Really enjoyed your vent, and I couldn't agree more. It's very unsatisfying...and you KNOW that the 60 minutes you're thinking about would be SOOO disappointing. The fortunate part for me is that my only risk is e-contact or voice contact at this point, but I'm not sure how I'd handle it if my XMM were proximate.

The only thing that struck me in your message is the sense that you love him...really, how can we love these men if they choose not to meet needs and leave us unsatisfied? (Not sure what love is anyway.) In my case, it's not "love", but an unhealthy sense of attachment borne of something lacking in my own life. (And I know what those things are...)

Enjoy your day ... and remember that contact will only hurt you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 12:54pm
This is a great topic and the posts have helped me with my thinking. However, I get the impression that many of you believe that only a woman can heve these empty feelings once NC is initiated. Believe me, a man can feel just as lonely, empty and sad as a woman when it comes to ending an A. I chose to stay with my DW of 22 years because I love her, and the truth is I always loved her, even while I was in the throes of a passionate 5 month A with a woman whom I also love. That said, I cannot express the pain and emptiness I am feeling as I try each day not to contact the OW. We've failed NC in the past, and to be honest, I always feel so much better after we talk or see each other. But we both realize that for either of us to move on (she is in the process of getting a D,) we need to stick to NC. It is the hardest challenge I have ever faced in my life. God I miss her. Other strategies for NC will be greatly appreciated, because life sucks right now....
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 1:30pm
I'm so glad I've found you all. Everything you've each written, could have been written by me. It's comforting knowing there are people out there who REALLY understand what I'm going through. My friends try to help, but they don't really understand.

Whenever I knew I'd be seeing MM the anticipation was so exciting. Then when he'd arrive, I'd be so happy, almost euphoric. But somewhere in the middle of our time together, I'd start going downhill, knowing that he'd be leaving shortly. We used to joke that he was always coming or going. I'm sure you all feel the same way. Never staying. Pretty pathetic joke, huh :(

I agree with one of your posts, that since this is not a 'real' relationship, and it didn't have a clear beginning, we can't break up like real boyfriends and girlfriends. It's my feeling that when a regular (?) couple breaks up it's because one of them doesn't 'love' the other one anymore. And nothing can change that. The one who 'loves' is devastated, but the one who doesn't anymore, pretty much walks away. We here on this board are not breaking up because we don't love each other anymore. We DO love each other and still have to walk away. That is against human nature! We love each other and ??? STILL HAVE TO WALK AWAY???? It's so sad.

Also, since MM is my best friend too, who do I turn to when I break up with him and have to have NC? One normally turns to one's best friend. But since he's the guy your pain is all about, he is one in the same guy, you have no friend's shoulder to cry on. So I hope you all don't mind me crying on your shoulders :(

Often I feel like we're Romeo and Juliet, deeply in love, but not permitted by circumstances (society) to be together. I totally understand why they felt they had to end their lives.


By the way - what does LOL mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 1:40pm
I have so enjoyed reading through this thread. Lord, I saw myself in almost every post.

You know already know this, but I'm saying it again for the rest of the group---I failed NC yesterday, too. He emailed me, taunted me with me what amounted to, "did you think about me today?" and I dangit, I responded to him. I couldn't help myself. And he kept it going, and I kept responding. Lord, I might as well have encouraged the man. lol

So I was just thinking about this this morning, about why on earth do I do this to myself?? And I have a slightly different take on things. I'm beginning to consider MM like an addiction. It's a cyber affair, so it's only e-contact and phone, like you, but man, before I even considered ending it, the man was able to draw responses out of me that even my husband never could. And I honestly think I'm addicted to the "high" I used to get from him. That high has since dwindled, down to that unfulfilling nothing everyone was talking about. But I think that's what it is. And I kept responding to him yesterday because maybe I was hoping to get that "high" again. Like maybe some people drink, some people take drugs...I have MM. lol

But part of this, I think, at least for me anyway, is simply that this was a perfect situtation, idyll in a way. There was no real life with him. I didn't talk to him when he was feeling grumpy or less than sociable, you know?

So far he hasn't contacted me again today, so I feel good so far, strong. And I'm writing in a journal everytime that ache sets in. And my house is spotless. lol All the while I just keep telling myself over and over..."I'm better off without him" and "This can never amount to anything good." Plus I did what someone else said and wrote him a letter I don't plan to send him (or at least I hope I never will).

I pray he doesn't break the NC again. If he would just stay away, I honestly think I would eventually get over this. But then again, my A was short lived, only a couple of months. I can imagine how much harder it would be if it would've been longer. Like the gentleman who responded to this thread....if I'd been in this A with XMM for 5 months, I'd much worse off, because I know I'd have fallen in love with him by then.

Hope this helps some! Just keep your chin up and keep posting here. It has to get better, right?

~Lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 1:50pm
Thank you for reminding us men have feelings, too. Sorry for the insensitivity.

I'm struggling with strategies, too. Seems we all are. So far, my best strategies have been enveloping myself in my web of women friends I enjoy (who have no idea what's going on in my life)... I make dates for dinner, hikes, hit the yoga mat, have email contacts, phone calls. I'm filling my life with positive interactions with others -- it makes the absence of my XMM feel less acute. I've also been trying ... maybe not so successfully ... to focus more attention on my H (but there are other problems there that led to the A that remain). The problem for me is the few moments each day of weakness. I went a whole week in NC and felt GREAT -- I missed him, but it began to fade even over a short period. Then, for a moment last night, I was alone, walking through the park to pick up a few groceries, and I picked up the phone and text messaged. It's those split seconds that require a strategy, and I'm not sure what it is for me. Maybe a mantra of some sort...maybe a rubber band snap...maybe thinking of my children...maybe thinking of what it would feel like to be on the other end. But I need an automatic place of recovery to go in those split second moments.

Best to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 1:53pm
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BINGO!!!! I think you are *exactly* right!! (And try getting over an addiction that's lasted for FIVE YEARS!) The good news is -- I truly believe that understanding that the A is an addiction is half of the battle in recovering from it! Hang tough, lonely; brush yourself off and start the NC ride all over again, it'll be worth it.

Goingnuts, I am glad to hear from you; it is comforting to know that men experience the same emotions we do at the end of an A. I'm sorry that you're still struggling, but hang in there, it just takes TIME. :)

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