Why does he do this to me??
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Why does he do this to me??
| Tue, 12-07-2004 - 5:40pm |
MM stopped at my house again this morning, and I now realize that I have to make him STOP!!! He knocked on my door and I was in my bedroom so I didn't hear him. He walked right in. (Pretty brave for a guy with NO balls huh?) He's the one who decided to stay with his W and work on his M. Why does he keep stopping over?? It's torturing me. It was a very quick visit cuz he was almost late for work. Here's a rundown of our conversation. He told me that he wasn't trying to screw me up by coming over. That sometimes he just can't stop himself.He said he has all his my letters in his work truck and he reads them over and over everyday. I told him he was full of balogna, that I know he's trying to keep me hanging on. But I just can't figure out why. At that point he squeezed his eyes shut for a minute like he wanted to tell me something but didn't. I asked him why he's doing this to me and told him that I wished I knew what was going on in that head of his. Then he said "maybe one of these days I'll talk to ya about it." Then he told me that he just wanted me to know that he misses me and is still thinking about me. Then he left. I wouldn't hug or kiss him this time. Can anyone give me their version of what all this means? Why is he still stopping over? Does he really NOT want his marriage to work? What did his whole little comment mean when he said maybe he'll talk to me about it? He leaves me with so many questions, and I have to analyze all of them to get a sense of what it means to get through this. I know it doesn't matter. It HAS to end! The only thing good about him stopping over is now I feel like I've gained some power. Now I can tell HIM to stop! MY DECISION!!! NOT HIS!!!! He always does this when I'm feeling weak, like last night! I swear he can sense my moods. Can anyone help me figure this out??? Thanks in advance, cuz you've all been so good to me!!!

Why does he do this to you? BECAUSE HE CAN! Where does he get off just walking into your house? Don't you lock your doors?
He probably came by because he can't fully get you out of HIS head...because he is hurting, because he loves you, because maybe you would sleep with him...there could be a ton of reasons...obviously it didn't make anything better except to give you some power which is a good feeling when you're feeling so bad. So take that power and use it to your advantage. This is YOUR decision to say goodbye and start NC so do it...and make it so he can't walk into your house anymore!
Jazzdiva
Hiya Pal,
"Why does he do this to me??" The short answer is:- Because you let him.
Part of a healthy love relationship is about setting appropriate boundaries. It is an act of love and also an indication of respect when others do not overstep the mark.
You respect his boundaries, he does not allow you to overstep them. It is your responsibility to draw the appropriate boundaries and maintain them, Pal. If you have no boundaries, he has no reason to respect them. Or you.
Walking into your house uninvited is NOT an act of respect.
Walking into *my* house uninvited will result in the police being contacted and the intruder can expect their blood to be decorating my floor and an industrial cleaning bill to cover the costs of marring my wood flooring.
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I do not propose to offer an opinion on the conversation you report. Words are cheap, Pal. When he walks it like he talks it, let us know.
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Because you are permitting him to do so. Why does he still have a key in order to gain entrance?
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Does it matter if you have made the choice to end the affair? His marriage is his business, not yours.
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So end it, Pal. No one else can do this for you.
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GOOD! The only thing that is stopping you is you!
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If you know that you want an end to this, draw a line under it, and make it the end. You have and always have had the power to do just that. Anytime you wish to do so, you may begin to move forward rather than dwelling on the past.
Pal, if he loved you, he'd move mountains to be by your side. Right now you are strictly back-burner, being kept warm just in case things aren't so great with his wife after all. He's Fencesitting with a capital "F." Remove the soft landing on *your* side and he has no choice but to visit the harsh reality of whatever terrible marriage he no doubt describes.
Think about this:- The more available you are to/for him right now, the more comfortable you make the bed in which he has chosen to lay. Let him wallow in that bed, Pal, it is after all his choice.
Words are so cheap, Pal. His actions speak volumes - I want my cozy domestic life with my wife with whom I am proud to have on my arm & share my name but I want you here safely hidden and available at MY convenience where I can visit at will, recharge my batteries after a hectic day at the office, and have my ego (and other bits) stroked at my whim. Not such a great deal when you look at it that way, is it?
If you mark your boundaries and mean it when you say that you do not wish to see or hear from him until his divorce is finalised, he has no option but to respect your decision. And you.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Posie, and undone,
I can't believe what I just read from both of you. It is SOOO true! The fact is, I have never really told him not to come over, I just figured he wouldn't since he made his decision to stay home. And I STILL haven't actually told him not to come over. I guess secretly, a part of me really wanted him too. Like if he can't get me out of his head, he won't be able to make his marriage work. How selfish I've become through this whole thing!
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I'm so glad you said that!!! The next time he stops, which I'm sure now that he will, I'm going to say these exact words to him as I tell him to leave me alone. I do feel a lot better today than I did last night. I'm not sure if it's because I saw him today, or if it's because I just got the ball back in my court, but I'm going to take advantage of that ball and let my intentions be known. I have to be firm, which is hard for me to do without being mean. But I HAVE to start getting over this. And I know this sounds childish, but it will make it a lot easier if he thinks it's MY doing and not his!! I can't let him have the ball back! And I KNOW he won't leave her if I'm not around to stay in his mind. He's told me that, "I can't do this without you." So I know it's over. I can hopefully let go of that hope. Thanks you guys!!!
You said it girlfriend. The ball is in your court. I got a text from XOM man today and I'm not responding. I feel a little empowered myself and I'm not going to blow it by calling him or texting him that I miss him.....his text was very unemotional...just a little crumb to keep me strung along. How typical !
I'm proud of you not sleeping with him when he came over. Now make it so he doesnn't have access to your home anymore. Make it clear that that isn't acceptable.
Jazzdiva
Pal,
The answer to your question is really very simple. He does this to you because he knows he can. If you don't want him stopping by, tell him so. If he still does it, change your locks so he cannot simply walk right in. The only way you are going to truly have power is to show him in every way that it is over for you, period. Never mind what he's thinking. We can drive ourselves crazy with that line of thinking, and in the end, what does it really matter? You'll probably never know. He may tell you something, but it probably won't be the truth anyway. The only way out of a relationship like this is to get out of it for good.