Why NC is SO Important

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Why NC is SO Important
5
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 12:01pm
ARGH...i'm back. and i'm irritated and amused...

after almost 4 months of NC, i caved. i had ignored all his other emails. but then i saw him on tv, debating what i thought was a fascinating legal topic. and i emailed him (not from my new acct but from the old one - for those of you that remember, my friend changed the psswd so that i couldn't contact him; she gave it back to me in dec b/c we BOTH thought i was in the clear). the email was completely professional - just told him what i thought the weak points were in his analysis. he responded w/ that it "figures" that "it would take an over-the-top performance on tv to get you to stop ignoring me." and then he responded w/ the holes in my own argument. and so we get into this legal debate on constitutional law but he keeps throwing in double meanings, innuendos. which i keep ignoring. until finally, after several emails, i end up retaliating on something i should've just ignored. that instigates this round of emails that rehashed the past. he apologized & reassured me that he'll take better care of me next time. that's when i emailed back that i think we just should stop communicating altogether b/c clearly we can't even have a legal debate w/out things turning personal.

the culmination of all of this is an hr long argument over the phone. he doesn't understand why we should stop communicating. and he basically proposes that we maintain a relationship of sorts: we see ea other intermittently & just see what happens in the future. keep our options open. and that's when it hits me. he's NEVER going to get it. i've already moved on. and he thinks there's still a chance that i'd change my mind. and that my ban on communicating doesn't "make any sense." i find this amusing. for someone who's a purported genius in his field, how can he not get it???

i contacted him after watching the show b/c i thought there was a chance that we could maintain a professional relationship. clearly, i was mistaken. it's disappointing to know that it's not possible. well, scratch that. i know i could always email him & we could debate the law. BUT he will always throw out a line or two to see if i'm willing to take the bite. i'm not worried about the temptation. it's just not there anymore.

why? b/c during the nearly 4 months of NC, i learned a lot about myself. i'm not going back. not now, not ever. and during that phone conversation, i realized two things. one, he's incredibly selfish. he knows that i'm simply not cut out for being a mistress. yet, that's what he wants. he's convinced that i'd learn to be okay w/ it. yet, he knows how much hurt i went through after seeing him in chicago. two, i'm relieved that i never imagined myself longterm w/ this man. no shattered dreams. just confusion about why i ended up in an affair in the first place.

i guess i have to start the NC clock all over again. and i'm a bit irritated by that. but in some ways, i'm glad we had this email exchange & phone call. thank gawd that the contact didn't occur until after i had time to really pull myself together. that's why the NC is so important. it's not about putting distance btwn you and the XMM. it's about giving yourself a chance to think things through & sort yourself out. if i hadn't had that time, i might have caved. but the nearly 4 months of NC gave me the ability to say "bye."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 12:50pm
sambagita~

CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are WELL on your way to recovery!! I used to work with hard core addicts...and one of the things I was taught (and have come to believe) is that RELAPSE IS PART OF RECOVERY. What do I mean...well, its fortunate if someone can "get it" the first time around...but usually a significant majority don't...and flip flop back and forth.

Sometimes, the relapse is necessary to TEACH the person how sweet recovery truly is.

You have learned this! Lucky you! Don't be angry with yourself....look at the wonderful lesson you have just learned...NC means NC!! (and trust me...I KNOW how hard it is..and there are days where I think "well, maybe I'll just see how he's doing"...but I KNOW where that will get me, too).

Keep up the good work!!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 2:45pm
Well, well, well... and I thought I was the only one!

Good to hear from you. (see my post below "It may never be easy")

As someone said to me, below... "You learned; now, go pick up your 1 day NC chip & start over!"

Your reasoning on why NC is so important (read & heed, newbies!) is dead-on. Well put. It sounds like you're in a much better place. Me too. Take care, Samba. I'll quietly (to myself) raise my glass in your honor at happy hour later this evening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Sat, 01-31-2004 - 3:08am
You guys are very inspiring, indeed. The longest I managed NC was four weeks in October. The e MM sent asking for contact again, to which I replied OK, landed me in the hospital with a work related injury because I was destracted on the job.

Guess who picked up the pieces.... DH.

Unfortunately, I haven't picked up my 1 day NC chip again since then. MM is determined that we transition into a positve friendly relationship, that could but not necessarily should get sexual if the occasion arises. Says I make his life complete. The caregiver in me can't leave him hanging.

Since he can handle the relationship on this level, the fact that I can't makes me feel weak or emotionally lacking. I SHOULD be able to have contact with him, without it depressing me or costing me so much energy. The NC that worked in October was the one and only time it was at his request, and it was because he was tired of me going back and forth makeing the Hystronic NC declarations, only to cave in when he said how sorry he was.

Just recently I spoke with a family therapist that said NC was NOT a good thing, because it glorifies the relationship. Best is realistic non fantasy filled contact. Reality is the best cure. But I guess therein lies the problem. When the relationship is 90% email, reality doesn't exist.

Lala

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Sat, 01-31-2004 - 9:57am
In a strict sense, sometimes "true" NC is not possible (co-workers, neighbors, etc). To the degree that it is possible, though, NC should be practiced. Your therapist sounds right that "non-fantasy" contact is the key... but that is if total NC isn't possible. I don't know your situation.

Can I offer a guy's input to your situation (without knowing the whole story)?

Sounds like your xMM wants you on a string. My hope would be that you think more of yourself than that. You say:

"Unfortunately, I haven't picked up my 1 day NC chip again since then. MM is determined that we transition into a positve friendly relationship, that could but not necessarily should get sexual if the occasion arises. Says I make his life complete. The caregiver in me can't leave him hanging."

-To me, this makes him sound either weak, or manipulative (and I don't know which). So, you should lay yourself down either for his convenience (reading the "not necessarily" part), or for his weakness (caregiver part).

I don't think HE CAN handle the relationship at that level, and wonder if he really wants to. You're not the weak one.

Going back to Sambagita's post... read the "why" it is so important. Don't think of NC's impact on him. Think about yourself, and the potential NC holds for your own growth. It is worth a shot, worth a trial, if nothing else.

I sure hope I don't sound preachy. Not my intent.

Good luck, lala.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Sat, 01-31-2004 - 4:34pm
hi lala,

hmmm, i can relate to your post somewhat. in our argument last wk over the phone, he was basically proposed something similar. we see each other when we can & if one thing leads to another, then it leads to another. essentially, he wanted to keep the door always open.

and you know, in some ways by having ignored all his prior emails, i too kept that door open w/out even realizing it. but now that both of us got everything out in the open, all feelings, all frustrations, etc., and then faced the "what now" together, we - or at least i was able to let go of the past. you see, his answer to "what now" is very different than my answer. his answer is to maintain a relationship of sorts and mine is to walk away.

and the only reason for the difference in answers is b/c of the no contact. i was a mess back in oct. a total mess. i had never felt so out of control in my life. and i had never felt so alone. i had drifted from friends and family b/c of the A. like you, i lost focus. i've always been so career-minded and for the first time in my life, i felt like i was really underperforming b/c i was so distracted.

admittedly, the no contact started to create distance btwn XMM and myself. but over time, it became so much more than that. i started to find my way back to myself and to my life. i got so much more accomplished at work. i'm training for a full marathon. i finally put together a graduation album. started driving up to nyc to visit my family and friends. i was doing thoughtful things for my boyfriend again without feeling like i had to make an effort. basically, things became natural again. and most importantly, i became a priority. NC isn't just about ending an affair. for me, NC was about finding me.

good luck to you.

take care,

sambagita