Why, oh Why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Why, oh Why?
2
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 1:29am
NC broken tonight, as I was at a training session and xMM was there. I prayed to God that he wouldn't be there, and I didn't think he actually would be, but there he was! (we're in the same line of work, but I never thought we'd be actually seeing each other OTJ.)

I told him that my friend (the only one who knows all about US) wants to know when he's going to get divorced. He wanted to know why she wanted to know, and I said b/c she wants me to be happy (stupid, I know) My head was spinning around and I'm not really sure how he responded, although my heart heard that he said he couldn't do that, couldn't get a divorce. (Probably b/c of 2DC?)

He said he was glad to see me (our last contact was almost three months ago, and it was a while before that that I'd even seen him. I e-mailed him shortly after 9/11--when he'd e-mailed me--that I couldn't go on with the A at any level whatsoever, and he respectfully did not reply) Tonight, as he was leaving, he said he'd call me, but I said he couldn't do that.

Perhaps I should have told him that up until tonight, I was finding an interest in someone else--I'd actually found someone who is AVAILABLE who may possibly be dating material. (This occurring in only the last two weeks.) Even so, while my thoughts began to focus on someone other than xMM, in the far recesses of my mind, I envisioned the xMM contacting me soon to tell me of an impending divorce. Then what would happen with this new guy? I had been trying diligently to put xMM completley out of the picture.

And then I see him tonight. Why didn't God answer THAT prayer? The one where I asked to NOT let him be at this event? How much of a challenge does He think I can take? I'm trying desparately to let go, and then I see him, and suddenly I want to pick out China patterns, decorate the bedroom, and make out invitations to our New Year's Eve party.

So from all this I've learned that NC is definitely the best medicine.

It seems to me that fate has continued to press us together, despite the social, ethical, and moral barriers that are intended to keep us part.

I am going to try and forget that I even saw him today. I'm going to pretend it was all a dream. I'm going to get down on my knees and beg God to stop with the inncesssant testing of my will and give me a break, for crying out loud.

I hope that all the struggling souls frequenting this site can find some peace of mind, can step away from their A's and find strength in knowing that they've overcome what I believe is one fo the most trying, most destructive, and most futile of conditions; the God-d**%d affair.

Stay strong, stay safe, best of everything to all....

Grace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: needsgrace
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 8:53am
Grace

Maybe God was not testing your will but showing you how far you have come by being able and willing to say NO to that phone call !!

The NO DIVORCE info tells you that you are RIGHT to move on and give the new guy an even break.

Sometimes the best answers to prayer are NO.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
In reply to: needsgrace
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 10:29am
Oh, freeeee! I never thought of it that way! Your reply has meant very much and I thank you for it.

It was so hard to see him and try to distance myself from him. AS expected, he sent me an e-mail later that night, telling me he wished he had an answer for my question (about getting divorced) but was not ready to leave his kids. He apologized if he was coming off as an insensitive jerk, just stringing me along, but on the same hand, he hoped that we might be able to run into each other on occassion. Against my better judgement, I answered his e-mail. some if it is kind of rambling, as I was really tired when I wrote it. This is most of the e-mail I sent him...



***************************************************************************************

I don't think of you as an immature jerk at all, but I do feel like I'd been strung along a bit. I guess that's my fault for thinking that it could possibly happen that you'd take steps to get out of a marriage that from my (limited) view of things, seemed to be unsatisfactory for you. I'm sure there are many more reasons to STAY married than there are to divorce, (even though she had an affair, too.)I am just blind to them.



I don't suppose you've ever confessed your indiscretions at all?



As for leaving your kids...how exactly would you leave them? Isn't there some sort of visitation law set up, so that fathers can still spend quality time with their children, even if the marriage doesn't work out? My daughter still sees her dad, and she's far past the age of court-ordered visitations. Staying married for the sake of the kids seems to me to be such an insult to the marriage itself. I don't know how anyone could live that sort of life. Kids can pick up so much. They know exactly what's going on. And all I know is that people who try to make a relationship outside of their marriage work are doomed, and the persons with whom they cheat with are absolutely miserable, despondent, and excruciatingly lonely.



I think about you every single day. Sometimes it's only for a bit, as I've been trying to move ahead with my life because I know I have no place in your life at all. There is no room for me there, as long as you are in a committed marriage.



Someday soon, I hope to have a date with someone who is actually available. And, although it seems virtually impossible, I want to fall in love with someone as much as I Iove you, and live happily ever after.



The only way I can ever hope to accomplish that is if I never see, talk to, or hear from you in anyway ever again. It hurts me to say it, but it's all your choice, it's always been your choice, and I know what your choice will be.



I still wish you all the best of everything.

Me

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Well, I got that off my chest. Time to start counting NC again. (I actually lost track of it b/f!) I now stand at day 2...and counting!

Oh, and BTW, I actually AM looking forward to dating someone new...hopefully next weekend!!!


Take care, write back!

grace

Grace