Why We STAY In Toxic Relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Why We STAY In Toxic Relationships
5
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 11:22pm

When I first started to post back in Sept. I was horribly hurt and angry with soon to be XOM. He was treating me like crap and I was so sick of it, had enough.....again (sigh).

During our 6 yr. A, I think I felt more hurt by my AP than anything else....but I couldn't bare to live without him, couldn't let him go and I didn't know why. Through the help of this board and much soul searching, I now understand why that was the case. Hopefully this will hit a cord with some of you women out there who are in constant pain over your A and can't figure out why.

A while back, Posie started a post entitled, "Confessions of a Happiness Carrier"
Ending an Affair Support #15210.1

I read, and re-read this and then thought about it for many days and did some heavy duty self examination. Then one day, like a flash of lightning everything "clicked". I now fully understand why I stayed in a toxic, dysfunctional relationship that was sapping me of my energy, happiness and health. I understand why I was willing to risk a wonderful H and family for just a few moments of temporary "feel good" time.

For 6 years, without even knowing it I was looking to XOM as my primary source of happiness. I had made him my "happiness carrier". If you read the link, you will see that this is a very burdensome roll for a man to take on since he is already responsible for the happiness of his wife and children. I now realize that I had extremely unrealistic expectations of XOM and of the A relationship. He was in a lose/lose situation, destine to fail no matter what he did for me because anything he did was never enough. His harsh reaction to me was as a result of frustration and feeling constant, undo pressure from me to always do more to prove he really cares. (Don't get me wrong, he was a huge jerk to me at times).
The things that would upset and hurt me, like the unanswered emails, lack of phone calls, canceling our "special time" for seemingly trivial reasons would send me in an absolute tail spin because I viewed those actions as a direct indication that he did not care as much as I did.....I felt hurt, and I reacted. And so did he.
The fact is, he really did/does care but only as much as he possibly can, given the circumstances and I had no right to ask for anything more. I failed to realize before that, being a guy he has the ability to limit the emotional attachment to me and find his happiness with his W and family.
It makes so much sense now. I would always ask myself why, if my H or a friend did these things I would not be upset at all, but when XOM did these things it seemed like the world was going to end. I now realize that much of the unhappiness I had blamed on XOM was really self inflicted. I was always searching for happiness in him and I stayed in the R out of desperation to find it....and the chemical high that all those endorphins bring about didn't help the situation.

When XOM and I had a very bad falling out in early Sept, I went through all the cycles of grieving the end of the R. I have since found out that he was not having the difficult time I was having because he felt it would all blow over and we would resume the A, lately he had even been expressing a desire for IC again. Well, the A has ended for me and there is no going back. It was very difficult for me but I mustered up the courage to tell him it was never going to go there again and I told him the reasons why (told him all of the above). I explained to him that I need to look to my H and family for happiness and the only way that will happen is to not be involved in a R with him.
This man, who has reacted so harshly to me through out the years reacted with total understanding when I told him this. He also said that a lot of things he couldn't understand about me now makes total sense to him (He could never understand why I reacted the way I did sometimes).
I know this is not easy for him, but he is respecting my need to move on.

Will I hear from him again? Maybe not, but that's ok. I now know it's not because he doesn't care, I know it's because he cares enough to want me to be happy. Also, I have to respect the fact that HE needs to grieve in his own way which may include absolutely NC.
It's a huge relief knowing that A) the door is shut tight, absolutely no room for rekindling the A. and B) He was not the major cause of my pain, I was.

So ladies, maybe we are just a little too quick to place blame on the men when in reality we need to take blame for our own hurt. I haven't felt so much peace in many years. All this enlightenment has made it so much easier for me to get over the past and move on....and look forward to a wonderful future.
Thanks for reading.
CG

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 11:48pm

CW

" I was always searching for happiness in him" WAY OM WAY NOT YOUR HUSBAND, what caused you to look to a man outside your marriage and not to the man that had vowed his life to you.

If you were going to look for happiness from another person way not the one your married to ?

I would be interested in the answer to that question if you have it and care to share.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 12:04am

Free,
That is a most excellent question. I believe I was looking to XOM for happiness because I was living in a fantasy world for a very long time.
I romanticized the A relationship in unreal proportions from the very begining and that feeling just never wore off for me. I was in denial that it was anything less than that. Some of us are slow learners.

Just my humble non-scientific opinion.
CG

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 12:13am

CG

Lets take a step backward, way the affair, you would not be in the fantasy before the affair so way the affair, did you enter the affair looking for for someone to make you happy, What were the WHYS of allowing yourself to enter into the affair, way did you not seek them inside the marriage or did you ??

Sorry to snoop but I think many of the women here never really address the underlying reason for the affair and lose out because of it.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 12:33am

In all honesty free, when the A started 6 yrs. ago I was relatively happy with my H. It started out as "harmless" flirting, I really didn't think anything would come of it. As the days and weeks went on, I found myself thinking of him more and more. I felt a titalwave of passion that I hadn't felt in a long time and I liked it....a lot. Before I knew it, I was hooked....line and sinker.

I do have to say, at the time my H was very harsh with me and not real nice some of the time and I just put up with it. This other person came along and swooooosh I was toast. Before I knew it, I saw faults in my H that I never saw before (or most likely never would have if OM didn't enter the picture).

H is such a different man now. He does everything within his power to make me happy and I have absolutely no complaints, he is the dream man I have been searching for in all the wrong places.
May not make much sense, but I think it's not an uncommon scenario for a lot of women to fall in the same manner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 8:08am

I just wanted to thank you for sharing. I could have written a lot of that psot. I too put undo pressure on xMM and myself and our R. My xMM could only give what he would and showed it as he could. I always wanted more. Just so much of what you wrote I can relate to. I could go on and on but I think i will reread what you wrote instead.

tahnks

Bria