Why, Why, Why...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2008
Why, Why, Why...
5
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 5:21pm

I just want to kick and scream and just get this all out of my system and then hopefully I feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 5:41pm
I'm glad you came here and got these feelings out, Livin. That's why we are here. Not only are we a support board, but a sounding board as well. What you are feeling is perfectly normal...haven't you been reading the other threads about the same questions? We all wanted to know if they think about us, miss us, want us, etc. after an A ends. The answer is "What does it matter?" The A is over so why even let your mind go there? Okay, I know why, but try to accept that even if you got an answer, what good would it do? Would it change anything? The A would still be over, only now you'll be thinking about him even more, and the cycle continues as your thoughts spin out of control again.

Yes, you do have to work through this and it's good that you understand this is something that must be done. Don't let the addiction grab you in it's jaws and shake the progress you have already made loose from your resolve. Align yourself with positive affirmations whenever these obsessive thoughts creep in. We have a whole thread in the HL on affirmations.

So the pity party is over for now? Good for you. We are all entitled to one here and there as long as they exit quickly through same door they came in. You are doing great. 2 weeks is awesome. One day at a time, honey....

((Hugs)))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2010
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 6:01pm

Hi livin...

I had a rough day this week and I am still smarting, but every time you walk through these rough days remind yourself these are growing pains. Be gentle with yourself and know "this too shall pass" I know it sounds trite, but there's a reason for that. It's true. The only permanence in life is change.


A couple of things that have helped me on the bad days....thing one: knock him off the pedestal. Make a list of grievances. Everyone has their list. Disappointments, broken promises...you know, the Hall of Humiliation. Write them down. That is what you are missing. That is reality. You are FREE now and there will be no more of that nonsense. Have a piece of dark chocolate and celebrate. [I did that this afternoon...boo-yah]

Second thing that helps...large amounts of liquor....just kidding!!! LAUGHTER. Look up funny websites and find things that will make you laugh. Here is a link to the top 15 funniest websites based on traffic
http://www.ebizmba.com/articles/funny-websites

I know it sounds a little ridiculous but it really does work. Laughter releases endorphins. And it takes your mind to a lighter place. I tend to be very focused and a little obsessive, so I have to search for ways to channel the focus and obsession I used to put into the affair and trying to woo MM into ME and getting myself through these rough patches. Self-soothing for grown-ups. If neither of these work for you, find something. Normally music is my escape. I am a musician. For now the affair has ruined most all music for me so these are a couple of ways I have gotten through the really bad days. And add to the list the tried and true soak in the tub and tea.

Above all else, feel the pain and then let it go. Don't hold it in. If you need to cry, cry. The tears will help you heal, the vets keep telling me. I honestly feel like I should have cried myself dry already, but there always seems to be more tears.

Livin, you aren't alone. The reasons why don't matter now. The focus needs to stay on you, your health physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally and doing the next RIGHT THING for you. That is my motto for 2011 and I am not looking back. Come with me.

Big warm hugs,
UBM

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 9:11pm

Livin,

Just kick and scream all you need to!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 7:33am

Livin,

First of all, I want to congratulate you on 2 weeks NC. That is really a very BIG deal. So a big hug and pat on the back from me to you.

You are entering into a very shaky and vulnerable stage. Knowing this is POWER, okay? You were very strong in the beginning of NC because you were so determined and you just knew the A was bad for you. Much like quitting smoking cold turkey--the first few days aren't hard at all because of all that determination. But when that feeling starts to wane,

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2009
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 6:18am

Hey Livin,

I have been absent the past week or so..... but if you remember, we connected just before the Newyear, on our stories! I'm very happy to hear you're 2 weeks NC already! WOW time flies!

Girl, we ALL wonder those things you listed. What the other ladies say, is true, unfortunatley..... To find out yes, he does think about you, or miss you, will only restart the hurt-clock. Mine has been restarted about 100 times, and I'm done with the hurt-clock! I "Office Space'd" it LOL!

My Ap is in mine mind a several points of each day. I have many many triggers in my daily life. But they are slowly waning. I'm just over a month NC (I actually lost count!!!) and I am feeling better all the time. I LOVE that I initiated it. I LOVE that I made the choice... not him. He's made all the choices up til now, and I made the final one. To stop letting him..... and THAT feels great. You have done the same.... run with that power..... and hold onto it!!!

Hang in there.... keep in touch. This place is going to be our saviour through this!!