Why won't he leave me alone???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Why won't he leave me alone???
7
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 8:42am
I'm so confused. My MM changed his phone number about a week ago, to end our relationship, then Monday night came to my door. Last night he called, said he missed me. AGAIN. WHY IN THE WORLD IS HE DOING THIS? I don't need him, I'm okay to move on. But he won't let me. I don't get. I wasn't going to try to get his number. He lives 2 minutes away, and I was just going to let him be with his wife. So why does he keep bothering me? I didn't want to ruin his relationship with his W, so I just walked away. No big drama, nothing. Just walk away. He just got married May 15. this has been going on since the middle of Dec '03. What do I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 9:52am

What do you do?


DO nothing with him. DO not acknowledge him, do not keep the new phone number, do not call, do not return calls, etc.


You're moving along just fine......


He needs to grow up and move on.


That's all.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 1:42pm
There is just one problem with that. And this board is for honesty. It's easier said than done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 2:01pm
Everything about ending an A is easier said than done, that's for sure. But -- "anything easy has its cost." Most things in life that are worth having are worth working hard for. Freedom from an unhealthy relationship is definitely worth having. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the basic truths.

Your XMM had good intentions but was too weak to follow through.... You be the strong one!! If you really want to let go -- simplify the process as much as you can. Baby steps. Get through one day, or one hour, at a time of NC.

Good luck!! xo, K.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 3:26pm
It'll be about fifteen days since I've ended my emotional relationship with my xMM. He, of course, still wants us to continue on as we were. Why you ask?

I think I may know why: He loved the extra attention he got from me; The "secret" of our relationship turned him "on;" The sexuality/sensuality is a major turn on for him. Because he lacked love and attention in his marriage, he turned to me and many many others.

I'm not the first emotional affair my xMM has had, and I doubt I'll be the last. He can profess all he wants about how much I mean to, how he never felt this way with anyone else, how I'm the love of his life, how he was looking for someone like me all is life... yeah yeah, whatever, I'm tired of his needs, and his wants. It's my turn now, and no, it's not easy. I still have feelings for this man, but I know I cannot continue in any type of relationship with him.

Today is the first day my heartache is not so heavy, and I have a big smile on my face. Yes, it'll take time, and I'm willing and able to do the necessary work to let go of this unhealthy part of my life and move on with a healthier stronger marriage.

Just sharing my very very humble opinions--thanks for reading, ~ifm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 3:30pm

While you may, at the beginning of the end of your affair, believe it's easier said than done,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 3:50pm
What made you tire of him? Can you share?

I think my MM also really loves fantasies/the excitement/etc.

I've asked him if he feels guilty and he says no, not when I'm with you.

I know it's not right. Ours was an EA, but it started to get physical

a couple of months ago. I told him I couldn't be alone with him so he

stayed away but then we met again and - well I don't have to tell you.

At least we haven't had sex. The emotional roller coaster of wanting to be with him then not wanting to is hard.

n

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 5:20pm
I think I became tired, or frightened is more like it, of his neediness for such a deep emotional relationship. I think he may have learned how best to keep an emotional affair alive. He worked very hard to have me "fall in love" with him--and he's very good at it. In the beginning he joked about how'd he "make" me love him. I laughed. Who's laughing now?

My xMM was very romantic and sensual in his words. All the things I lacked in my marriage, he gave them to me through his words, and his voice. I'm not saying he's not sincere in his love or need. I believe he truly believed in it himself--otherwise I wouldn't have fallen for such a sincere act--but come on now--I knew it was fantasy--he wasn't fooling anyone here, but I took the bait, and fell hard.

Sometimes he liked to play--let's pretend this is real--our feelings for each other--our future together--this I had trouble doing. I already shared these types of deep emotions with my husband. Sharing them with him became too much for me to bear. He somehow seemed better at compartmentalizing these things--I couldn't--they started to affect me. They started to interfer with my relationship with my husband/marriage. I started to have "real" feelings for him--or so I believed--I still think I "feel" them now, but I could not continue. The "secret" of what we were doing was affecting me in such a negative way. This is when I knew I had to end it. I didn't like what it was doing to my marriage. I thought a little harmless fun would be a good thing for my marriage, add some spice, but instead it became a dangerous game we played. Maybe we didn't set the proper boundries up initially, but all of sudden there were no boundries, our talks together became crazy ones--we became obsessed with each other--envious of the other's spouse. It truly ate away at my self esteem. It had to stop. I was spiraling down fast.

My xMM has an absolutely beautiful, successful wife, two sweet children, and lacks for nothing materialistically in his marriage. His wife (according to him), is not very sensual/sexual nor emotional toward him. He does love his wife, but has such a deep longing for their sexual/sensual/emotional area in their marriage to improve, and it just doesn't--he has given up years ago. He is torn at times--he loves her, but he has "needs" and I'm not just referring to "sexual" needs either. He has no hope for this area in his marriage to improve, and he has totally accepted he will never get these things from his wife--he has come to accept them from other women. Of course, he prefers married women. One reason for this is, he has no intention of leaving his wife, he's become accustomed to the lifestyle they have created together.

One reason I decided to even talk to my xMM early on is because our discussions weren't just about sex--we talked about our day to day stuff, our hopes, and dreams. He was lonely in his marriage, and I was alone in mine (my husband travels extensively for business). Though our marriage is the same in many ways. My husband, when home, is more attentive to my needs than his wife is to his, and this became a torn in his side. He thought we were in a similar situation, and that we could do this forever. He didn't understand why I didn't need him when my husband was home.

He never felt that anything was "wrong" and he had no guilt about it whatsoever. He told me he felt he was entitled to a little bit of happiness since he wasn't getting his needs met in his marriage. Although I thought his "love" helped my marriage early on, it didn't take long for it to have an adverse effect on my relationship with my husband.

The "withdrawal" is the most difficult part of this procress. Today is my best day yet. When I have a sweet memory of my xMM--I replace it with a negative one, and end it with two sweet thoughts of my husband--this exercise is starting to work for me.

Sorry this is so long winded, thanks for letting me share, and for listening, ~ifm