Why,how and when?
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| Fri, 09-18-2009 - 10:09am |
Good Morning all,
This week has been diffcult. Every night I have dreamt about him, I wake up wanting to check an old email address that he 'might' remember I have. I go out and come home and check my call display to see if he has called. Hes taking over my thoughts. I have my logic about me and know all the reasons why we wont work, but I still miss him.
Im still floored that for 4 years I believed his lies and allowed him to contuine to use me. I dont know why I didnt see the red flags. I kicked out my H with plans to have a future with him.....man Im so stupid!!
I dont know if Im missing the attention or if its the habit of running to him , I do not know. I just want this yearning for him to stop and be over.
When do you become strong enough to stop wanting something so toxic?

I'm hoping I can figure this one out too, but I need to first end the A before I get to where you are. I haven't ended things with my wife because I don't want to leave my kids.
I can only hope that my logic (and how I know the A is wrong on all levels) will finally stop me from being stupid.
So, I obviously don't have any answers for you, but I with you the best of luck because I know I'll be going through it soon enough.
DM,
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It's a combination of both. I am sure you have read on here that affairs are very addicting and because of this, they are also very toxic and destructive to our health and well being. Snuffing out that last cigarette, or finishing off that last alcoholic beverage will leave a person feeling distressed and full of anxiety because they have made the decision that THIS IS IT. The same principal applies to NC. It's the follow through that has us white knuckling it until those cravings start to ease. I always liked the following quote about NC:
"NC does not open the gates of heaven and let us in, but opens the gates of hell and lets us out."
Did I read in another post that it's been a month of NC already? You should be in a much better place by now as it takes 3 weeks to break a bad habit. May I suggest you stop looking at your cell phone or just delete him from it, and get rid of that old email addy. This is self sabotage.
Messenger
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
yep, its been over a month now of NC and I have days where I feel strong and then there is days like this week;where I find myself wondering.
I quit smoking for him, that was an addiction of 14 years -went cold turkey for almost 2 years.....Im smoking again.
I keep reminding myself how much he hurts and because of that Im not allowing myself to move forward.
I think maybe it might be acceptance that even thou my feelings(good and bad) were real, but nothing else was. I find myself questioning if my feelings were real to begin with; I say they were, but how can they be when everything I thought was, wasnt?
This week just sucks!!!
Thank Goodness its Friday~
i echo messenger's wise as usual advice.
CL-Lovely Starr
"No memory of having starred; atones for later disregard; or keeps the end from being h
i am glad that you see that A's are wrong and can wreak havoc and destruction all around us- including the innocent.
well, how do you end? you just do. you say enough is enough.
CL-Lovely Starr
"No memory of having starred; atones for later disregard; or keeps the end from being h