wife found out AGAIN & wants 2meet w/me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
wife found out AGAIN & wants 2meet w/me
19
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 8:21am

hi,


i posted a shorter version of this on the mas board, but i have more EAS questions since it is in that direction... sorry its so long....


i really need some advice, help on this one... i am married, 39 & mom of 3 children. he is married w/4 kids. both knew we would both not be leaving our spouses... we started our EMA over 3 years ago. very emotionally involved. we have been each other's best friends and lovers.. life has been wonderful and we have both been happier than we EVER have been...


feb 2008 his W found out & he told her everything. she came to my house with my kids home just to see who i was, she called me & i told her i would not see her husband again. we live in the next town over... she told me that if i did contact her husband in ANY way she would tell MY husband (who knows NOTHING of the EMA) my AP agreed to stop seeing me and him & his W worked on their marriage & life was good... but we even more carefully still continued our EMA. we both decided we couldn't live without seeing each other (we tried, didn't work, we really are connected emotionally) we have been VERY careful...


NOW last week, his W thinks i am 1 1/2 years out of his life... and she comes to his work & finds him emailing me, demands his phone & sure enough.. my text & vm are on it because he just got back to the office and hadn't had a second to delete them... {sigh} she is demanding for AP to set up a meeting face to freakin face with the 3 of us... i really DON'T want to do that.. i love him too much and she will see that in my face.. on the phone maybe i can convince her, but if she sees me in the room with him there is no denying i am hurting and still love him... she wants me to tell her that i am done with him and have no feelings for him. she feels he is protecting me by not having had that meeting yet. its been one week today since she found out..again..


i did tell my AP that i would talk to her on the phone and tell her it is over... but i don't want it to be.. {yes, i am also posting this on the other EAS board... in between today! sorry!} he , my AP told me he wants to not have any contact while this blows over. he wants to close our private yahoo accounts so they are not found and he wants zero contact from me after i talk to his W so he can focus on his family...


i asked him to meet with me on wednesday (9/16) to just sit and talk... just me & him. he told me it will not be a sexual meeting... he doesn't even want to be my friend now. i told him i just want to talk. how do i know that in 2 mos he will want to still talk to me or see me at all. he says in 2 mos he will consider being my 'friend' but will never love me as more... what do i DO??


what do i do with all this? he keeps emailing me telling me his wife wants an answer ASAP.. if i don't she will come here... then i am also screwed... do i just talk to her & not meet him wednesday, do i walk away? i am trying to hold it together to function as wife & mom but hard to stop crying.. this HURTS!!!


please, anyone been in anything like this? what did/what would you do? do i talk to the crazy angry wife? do i just walk away from over 3 years? and what did it all mean? what do i do with the cards, the beautiful emails he wrote me. i have over 11,000 of them?? over 3 years worth... do i just delete everything? how do i know this time will be it? soooo many questions....


i want to meet with him alone on wednesday for the day.. i just want one day alone with him. not sexually.. just to 'be' with him... i love him..


i did meet quickly with him last week after his W found out. he didn't want to meeet me .. i begged him.. {pathetic} and i CRIED most of the time. he looked so empty, so cold towards me. i have never seen him look like that. he is usually a VERY emotional man who i have seen cry over less. he came to me crying when he had to ask his son move out, came to me emotional because his 16 year old daughter had a miscarriage.. he is

~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2009
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 8:39am

The only way to stop your pain is to walk away.

 

              &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 8:48am

thank you for your reply.. but no,

~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 10:16am

I concur with the advice that E_D has given you. This

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2009
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 10:23am

 

              &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 12:06pm

LIG,


Some tough love here ----


please, anyone been in anything like this? what did/what would you do? do i talk to the crazy angry wife? do i just walk away from over 3 years? and what did it all mean? what do i do with the cards, the beautiful emails he wrote me. i have over 11,000 of them?? over 3 years worth... do i just delete everything? how do i know this time will be it? soooo many questions....


You play, you pay and your bill is due.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 12:26pm

Hi LIG and welcome to EAS,

It really sounds like your xMM is serious about ending the affair once and for all and rebuilding his marriage. If you really love him like you say you do, you will let him go do just that. There is a difference between loving someone and being addicted to them, and the story of your A sounds a lot more like addiction than true love.

I had a 3-year A as well, and now I am 7 months out of it and doing pretty well.

My advice to you is to cease all contact with xMM immediately. Do NOT agree to a meeting with his W - they need to realize that they have to work their way out of this without you. Filter his emails to the trash, do not answer any calls. Destroy all emails and cards he ever gave you - what if your H sees them? You need to get out of their lives completely, and focus on rebuilding your own...

The withdrawal pain you will suffer is the consequence of having an affair, we've all been through it and can offer support. One thing I can promise is that it does get better with time.

The Healing Library in the section below has a lot of thought-provoking reading.

big hugs,

trixie xo

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2009
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 1:06pm

Dear LIG -


I would like to agree with what you have been told here and add a little of my own tough love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 1:30pm

i am trying. i am reading what is being replied to my post and i KNOW NC is best.. i know..


i just got all the cards & things that he had givn me over the years out of the house since i posted this morning.i ripped them up.. was sad but not as hard as i thought...


i emailed him & told him he doesn't have to meet me wednesday and i will respect what he is asking of me (to leave him alone) i told him i would talk to his wife but didn't want to meet her in person. he gave me her cell & i called her. BIG mistake... she now told me she would call me on my cell when she felt like it. i asked her not to because my daughter uses my phone often and will answer any calls that come in. she told me that was my problem not hers. and she is right.. she also wants to still meet me in person and told me she will come over when she feels like it.. great..


i am considering meeting her i guess. i just want to begin NC and can't.. i feel very very stuck.. and weak.. i dont' know what i would do without this group.. today has had to have been one of the longest days of my life... and its only 130p !!


i wanted to get all this over with today and be able to start counting my NC days.. but i don't see how if i have her calling and possibly coming over..


i feel so sick... i am trying to be strong... i feel stupid, sad, lost and remorseful. i never thought of myself as the OW.. i was foolish.. how can i explain it to his wife when i don't even understand myself...


~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 1:48pm

LIG -

Change your cell phone number immediately. Refuse to meet with her. Don't communicate with her ANYMORE, period. She will likely not leave you alone. If she knocks on your door tell her to go see her husband and leave you alone, and close the door.

Read my D-Day post in the Healing Library below and you will see what happens when the W gets a hold of your phone number. Don't go down that path.

hugs,

trixie xo


Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 2:02pm

trixie, i can't change my cell. that would cause too many flags with H.. and he already sences something is up because i have been very jumpy the past week... and besides, small towns, she knows where i live, what i drive, my home phone, and next year both our daughters will be in the same school so its all way too close...and she knew my cell from when she first found my texts on her H phone from me back in feb 2008 and has kept them since on her's.


i felt i HAD to talk to her so she would know i want NC, but of course she doesn't beleive me and why should she... what a mess... but i will go read your dday post. thanks,

~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta

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