A Wife's Pain 10 Years Later

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
A Wife's Pain 10 Years Later
5
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:17am
I went to dinner last night with a group of girlfriends whom i haven't seen in a year. it was confession time, and they wanted to know what was going on with me, as they knew i had been having marital problems. So, I quickly detailed that my H had had an A, outlined for them the things i found that he wrote her (which were truly devasting, i have to add--you just don't want to know these things. . . ). As I was recounting what he had written to his OW, one of my friends started crying. In fact, a few of them did. Apparently, the discussion hit an emotional cord.

Later, my friend told me: My H had an A 10 years ago and it is still painful for me even now. She recounted for me what had happened-the A had lasted 1 year, and eventually, through years of therapy they were able to save their marriage, he has had NC with the woman--who worked for him. In fact, he let her go from his company and relocated her to another job across the country.

What got me was the amount of pain in her face and eyes and words even 10 years later. If that is not enough for us to stop these As--and to maintain NC--i don't know what is.

For me, the whole thing is sooo complicated, b/c i've been on both sides. I fell in love with a MM and then my H fell in love with an OW. I see both sides of it--i've been on both sides of this coin. Man is it complicated.

I did not tell my friends, BTW, that I had fallen in love with a MM. I often feel sheepish about this--I mean how can i hurt and feel so much pain about my H's A, when I myself, did exactly the same thing.

Sometimes, I don't know if i am coming or going: feel worse about XMM or my Hs affair. I just ping pong between the two. . . UGH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 4:32pm

Ten years later and your friend continues to live in her pain? As I read your post I wondered why your friend continues to choose to focus her thoughts on how "hurt" she was rather than on the successes of the 10 years that have passed since then. What control does she fear losing if she lets go of the old pain and looks forward instead of backwards. What difference might it make with her husband if she acknowledged how much he's done to make his marriage work with her. When will enough be enough?


I believe in a marriage there are shared responsibilites for the occurence of an affair. I speak from my own lifetime experiences and the difference of now living inside a marriage where for me an affair is no longer an emotional choice option. During my former marriage I was able to find some sort of justification for each affair. Now, it's not an option. Why? Because I believe I am able to live as my true self within this marriage.....mistakes and faults

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 5:24pm
Gotta agree with nre....she's holding on to her pain way to long. Freedom comes when you learn to let go (now if only *I* could follow that).

You have the experience of living both ends of the situation...and I believe this makes you a stronger person for it....it allows you to have more compassion towards your h during this time. Try to turn that compassion towards yourself as well. We all know how easy it is to get off track.

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:03pm
My friend has definitely moved on. Their marriage has been in a really good place now for years--and they've gone on to have another baby (their 3rd). But i think her hearing my story, brought it all back to her. And that is where the tears came from. She said getting through this with her H was the hardest thing she's ever done. but she's come out the other side and they are fully in tact.

for me, i don't know what will happen with my h, but it will be hard for me to ever shake the words he wrote her: You are the most beautiful woman i've ever known; i have never been alive until i met you. . . blah blah blah.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 8:05pm
Wow, how traumatic being on both sides of the EMA coin. Did you find out about H's affair before or after you started yours? I feel for you, but in a way I can't relate. I have a friend in your place. She's had an EMA for about 3 years and one night her H met this OW and my friend sensed "chemistry" between them and got very jealous. Later she cooled down and actually was all right with him seeing this OW, but by that time they had lost contact.

I strayed in my M only once, with XMM. My H forgave me but I thought I'd feel better just starting over on my own. Some of it was guilt, some of it was feeling like the marriage wouldn't really improve. We did grow closer in some respects from the EMA, but it was more on the friendship level and I got tired of having a room mate (if you know what I mean). We've been apart for a few years and exH has had a steady girlfriend for almost a year now and is very happy. He loves her very much and is looking forward to sharing his life with her.

I'm still single and sometimes lonely, but it's cool. I've met some really great friends over the past few years.

Take care.

LC

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 12:18pm
Being on both sides of the EMA thing is very confusing and complicated. My A started last April--and ended in July (though we still have contact and occasionally fall back into that pattern of secrecy and connectedness). My H's, apparently, started in July, escalated in August and September. Sometimes, i don't know if i am upset about my XMM or my H's XOW. It's just too much to think about sometimes. I remember thinking when i found out about my Hs affair "Joke's on Me!" he found a single woman that could be with him. My XMM never could be with me.

I do see it from both sides. It's hard. Really hard.

Clarice