Will I be alone 4-ever?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Will I be alone 4-ever?
6
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 9:58pm
OK. I made the mistake of venturing out to another board. Just to see what else "life" has to offer. I actually went to the 30 something and single board and oh, boy. I am freaked. I feel like a scared kid running back to the comfortable safety of this board.

I think worrying about if I will ever find someone (who is actually available!) is not something I should be worrying about right now. I have a lot on my plate to be working through and need to cool down after the emotional upheaval of the last few months.

I am plagued by the fear that I will never meet someone and never have a family. Apparently, from the posts on the other board, that is a very real possibility! I guess I should just push that thought out of my mind for right now.

This affair, and all the consequences of it, have really damaged my self esteem. I can't go back to the person I was but I do believe that I will emerge from this experience a stronger, wiser, more whole woman.

All I can do is what is right in front of me right now. The future is unknown but how is living in fear going to help anything? It won't.

This board has been really supportive of me and I just want to send out some "BE STRONG" vibes to everyone who is suffering. Please know that you are not alone.

Peace,

Realsign

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 10:16pm
Not that you asked -- but for me, rebuilding my self esteem was a very conscious project. I worked at dating, getting healthy by eating right, working out & getting a proper amount of sleep, working hard at my job, doing fun things with my kids, including helping them with school work, spending time with friends -- making a deliberate effort to do things that I knew would make me feel better about myself.

Job #1 is getting your life to be what you want it to be -- by doing that, you'll find you attract the "right" kind of people, including men.

I'm not good at it yet! I still fall down, but I know I'm better than I used to be & still striving forward.

15 mos. affair free!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 10:25am
Thanks fool, that is really very good advice. You made me think about how rebuilding self esteem really is that simple (not easy, but simple!). It's like being back at square one. My mantra right now is "baseline". For so long now, I haven't slept, I haven't eaten, I stopped working out, I isolated myself. So my goal, is get back to my baseline of being healthy. When all the other fears and worries and obsessions try to plant themselves in my head, I just try to remember that all I need to do right now are the basics. It really is helping a lot!

Congrats on being affair free for so long!

Love,

Real

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 10:48am
real -

i have thought and worried about the "what ifs" also....of not finding someone to love, to share things with, of not ever having children or a family....but i also don't think being involved in an A with someone who cannot tell you how they feel, who cannot spend the everyday moments with you, and has someone else waiting for them at home is a way to spend your days either.

I've found that i lost my self-esteem from being in this affair...and that takes a lot for me to say since i am usually a very independant woman who is also of strong character....but right now...i feel very weak, scared, needy, and fragile. And the thing is...my XMM has noticed it also. Which means that i need to change some things here in my life.

Someone on this board mentioned b4 a book by Dr. Phil titled "Self Matters"....while i was at the store the other day i picked it up. I have to tell you, it's a great book, and ime only 60 pages into it. I think it will be a way for me to get my self-esteem back...not only that, but it also keeps my mind occupied. If you haven't read it already...i suggest u go to your nearest store and get it. It's a learning process to get back to yourself.

Thanx for the strong vibes....we all need them here...same goes out to you :).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 11:41am
Self Matters is an excellent book. I have it in audio tape format and listen to it on my long commute to work. It has helped me a lot during the time when I was not nearly the person that I am today.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 4:36pm
Thanks for the book rec. I'll check it out. I also wanted to tell you that I can really relate to the part about being scared, weak, and needy. I too, typically, am a very independent person, and I like to think that I have a strong character & moral code. Which is why I question how in the world I got involved with a MM. Don't know the answer to that one yet! But as far as being weak, needy - usually when I am feeling like that I bounce between two extremes: either wallowing in it or trying to squash it down and put on my "brave face."

This time I am really trying hard to find a middle ground. You know, recognize that I am feeling that way, try to reach out to friends, this board, do comforting things BUT ALSO try to go about my regular life - do my work, eat healthy, clean my house.



I really liked this quote in the book "Bee Season":

You have to find a mother inside yourself. We all do. Even if we already have a mother, we still have to find this part of ourselves....When you're unsure of yourself, when you start pulling back into doubt and small living, she's the one inside saying, "Get up from there and live like the glorious girl you are."

Love to all you glorious girls!

-Real

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 7:03pm
Hugs to you. You expressed your thoughts very well. I know exactly how you feel. I too am single and was involved in a year long A. Now that it is all said and done, I am terrified that I will never find anyone who made me feel like xMM did. People constantly tell me that I am young and have plenty of time (I am 23) to find the man of my dreams but I am terrified that I won't. I feel like the clock is ticking!

I can not say that I regret the A. I have learned so much about myself from it. Like you, I have come out alot wiser and I have gained new confidence in some aspects but oddly enough too, the A was a blow to my self esteem.

I think the A gave me a whole new perspective on almost every aspect of my life. I try to look at it as a wake up call from the bubble I was living in.

You didn't say how long it has been since your A ended, but I am going on almost 6 months of NC. I feel 90% better than I did at the beginning but there are still those rough days when you just feel so alone. The best advice I can give is to reflect on how the A has changed yuo for the better as a person and what you have learned. I look at my A as a valuable lesson that has taught me hurt, joy, and a growing experience. Hopefully one day we can make new, better memories with someone single!!