Will I Ever Learn????

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Will I Ever Learn????
7
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 7:02am

Hey Everyone,

I posted on Wednesday morning with great news that i had not contacted XMM and i was finally going to get free from him.

Well i he contacted me in work (i work with him) on Wednesday evening and we ended up talking. He knew i was avoiding talking or ringing him and we had a conversation about the whole staying friends thing.

He is married 16 yrs with 3 children aged 12, 14, 16 i am married 3 yrs with no children.

It has been finished 2 yrs (the affair) and we have been going round in circles fighting not talking, ignoring each other but after Xmas we made up and have been in constant contact since then.

I feel i have to get on with my life but crave contact with him. The conversation we had on Wed ended up both of us deciding that even if we stopped contact the feeling would not go away so we might as well leave things.

He said still to this day he thinks about me 24/7 as i do him.

He also said that he can see me in front of him all the time that he has to blink to stop himself from dreaming.

I was happy with that and thaught he would ring etc but he has not i ended up ringing him yesterday.

I have a big family thing on tonight which i told him all about and am finishing work soon (i told him this yesterday i was finishing early) and again he has not rang to say have a good night or anything like that.

I'm really upset with myself - am i ever going to learn. He wants to stay friends but with me doing all the ringing and contacting - it's all one way with him.

I am just such a fool.

Thanks for listening.
kerry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:13am

Kerry

This affair 1)is still on going, just changed state. 2)is like all affairs about EGO and who has the upper hand, HE who has the upper hand gets his EGO stoked by having the lower one seeking contact...typical affair relationship UNHEALTHY....When you hurt badly enough you will end it but he will resist you getting free because he will stop getting from you what he wants.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:20am
Listen to free kerry, it's exactly what happened in my situation. YOU need to have the upper hand now, don't give away that power.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:32am
Kerry, as usual Free is right. What you are describing is NOT a friendship. When is the last time you got upset over a real friend not calling to say goodnight? When have you ever "craved contact" with a friend? When has a "friend" been on your mind 24/7? Your affair is clearly not over. Like Dr. Phil says, "if you wouldn't act or talk this way in front of your spouse -- it's CHEATING." I think that is really the bigger issue here, not so much being upset over who is taking the initiative to call first...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 11:57am

Wow, free that makes sense about the ego. Part of my problem has been that he broke things off with me and I hate that he has the upper hand. I have contacted him so many times and he has never tried to contact me once. Do you think he doesn't contact me b/c he thinks I will cave in and call him if he waits long enough? I have heard thru mutual friends that he has painted every room in his house and he is building an outdoor race track for his 2 y/o son. I think he's just keeping busy to not deal with things. That's what he did with his marriage. Whenever she was home he was outside rebuilding a jeep, went away to school every other weekend, bought a car to make into a race car, all these things he did to stay outside away from her. She would be in bed when he'd come into the house. She even told me about him always outside. Can you imagine that that would have been me in the house while he was outside if I had agreed to move in there. I thank my lucky stars for that much. What a lonely life she must have lived. It's no wonder she wanted the kid, company and to force him to stay. But anyway, way off topic. My ego, I guess I need to get it in check eh?
Thanks again free, you're the best.
Lilrocket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 3:31pm

Kerry, you're not a fool, you're just alittle slow catching on to his game. Listen, I remember posting to you early in the week when you were celebrating NC and you sounded great! Now, here you are having had a conversation with him and you're back to confused, miserable and doubting yourself. Do you really need this in your life???? Really????

You're on a roller coaster with this guy and how in the world do you know that even if you had NC you'd still feel the same way? Try it and see. I thought I'd never be able to end my A and move on, and it's been more than a year. I still miss him on occasion, but I miss the "person" that he was and some of his more endearing qualities. I don't want to boink him anymore - saving that for DH. Your feelings really will lessen over time - I promise that. I'm NOT saying they'll disappear - my feelings for my XMM aren't entirely gone. I would never say that I didn't care whether he was alive or dead and frankly, I'm pretty sure I'll never get to that point. But I'm saying that the sun rises and sets every day without him and I'm happy more often than not. I don't think about him every day. In fact weeks go by when I don't have any more than a passing thought about him or the A. You can do this too, many of us on this board have.

Muster up some strength, Kerry. Don't wonder why he didn't call you to wish you a good weekend, just take note that he didn't and move on. You really don't need this. JMHO. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 5:49pm
Kerry, I have lurked on this board for A LONG time, I have been in my A for 5 years just recently attempting the NC again. I post hear and there but I can not tell you how many times I have ended it just to get that I am sorry it will be different phone call and get sucked right back in. And as soon as I am IN again things go right back to the way they are, when I am DONE he calls and chases me send me flowers then when things are ok they go right back to normal, he calls when it is convenient for him, treats me bad etc. So it got to the point where I was ending it DAILY to get a reaction and some response from him THIS WAS AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. Well I ended it Sunday, (read my posts)Monday he came over and brought flowers DID NOT WANT TO DISCUSS why I was so miserable just wanted it to be back to normal. Then HE thought ok I gave her flowers she is fine he went right back to his normal ways, talking to me like he owned me. I am done, the only time he wants me is when it is a challenge if he loved me he would leave his wife, I WAS MARRIED WHEN THIS started. I went through a bad divorce for what NOTHING! He is still married with his family lost NOTHING. But that is ok because in the long run I will be happier this entire A has forced me to look at my child hood and deal with all my insecurity issues that forced me to cheat in the first place and I am going to be a happier stronger person when it is all done! I just started at the gym and love it, I DO NOT HAVE TO GO STRAIGHT HOME like he used to tell me. He was so jealous and controlling. I HATED IT!!My kds and I are so much happier, yes I miss him, I miss the man I thought he was, a friend asked me if I love him. I love the passion I love the excitement, do I love the way he treats me NO the way he treats his family NO the way he treats my kids NO, Do I respect him NO. SO Do I love him NO. I love the fantasy I built in my MIND! It will never be a reality with him, but if I let go of the dream it will be with another man that deserves it!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 4:15am

Hey Everyone,

Thank you all for your support.

Things have not changed i have been in contact with him all week.

I really dont know what to do anymore.

How do i get the upper hand free?

I know i have to muster up the strength to end this once and for all but im afraid i will not have the courage to do so.

Yesterday he told me again that he loves me so much and that he thinks of me all the time, he said when we are talking he is making love to me.

God i just dont know anymore. I have spoke to him again about cutting contact and he said he will do whatever i want to do, he understands.

Today i feel ok. I dont feel i have to ring him but yesterday and Monday i craved contact with him all day long.

I give him so much power over me, i just want to be strong enough to let go and move on but how do you do that?

How do you let go and move on?

Thanks Guys,
Kerry.